Just Live It

...time to step back

2005-06-23T14:07:00.000-04:00

Yah so I haven't posted...and I really couldn't tell you why...a lot has happened with me, and a lot of stuff I would love to get off my chest, and just get all my anger and just sheer agression out on people who really don't deserve it. I've decided that I going to part with my blog for a while, solely because, its really not fair for me, to sit hear typing stuff which i feel, which at times can be fairly mean, and expect for my friends to take it of understand it. Cause usually, I take things out here on people who don't even read this or don't deserve it. So why would i cause confusion and hurt feelings for people who are so amazing to me. I've decided that unless I can say it to their face, or in some kind of personal letter just between the two of us, no one else really needs to know. If people really care about me, and want to know about me, they will find time to do so. I know it has made me really focus on face to face relationships, and it has made me realize that how with some friendships, we were just really computer friends. In the end, nothing lost, and nothing gained...and i leave with no hard feelings...just memories...

...one day at a time

2005-06-09T16:11:00.000-04:00

YES...I know...lack of posting...however it seems as though the more crap and stress I am put under...the farter down the list blogging is placed...let alone any free time on the computer. So I appologize if i have seemed lazy or distant...but in a reality...life has decided to fart on me quite nicely...just at the most inconvient time. So yah...update...

Well nothing to interesting...I have finally really started to play the game of football well...and to make it even better...on a consistant basis. Once again we were victorious in winning the YRAA title and staying undefeated for the entire season. I have come to absolutely live breath, eat and sleep the sport. Way to go ladies on an awesome season and I'm totally looking forward to summer season, Key West and next years season!

My Baptism is coming up...which for me is super exciting...less the stress which is happening due to school finishing and the fact that on top of my 20 million project, exams, tests, and so on...i'm suppose to have a speech done by Sunday. Nope but it should be good...I have a lot of really good friends coming and many which I don't get to see on a regular basis...I have final dates and times for those who I haven't talked to. And no Annie...showing up fasionibly late...is NOT allowed...lol jkjk!!!

Speaking of my wonderful friend from Aurora, BANQUET was tuesday night and it was awesome...for the soul purpose...that among the rest of the shit happening in my life...I was able to go and spend a night laughing and surrounded by people who really love me and care about me. I swear I got a hug from everyone and times that a billion when Annie and I said goodbye and finished reading what each other had written in our yearbooks. It sucks that I live so far away...I love all those girls so much...!!!

Now for the rest of the garbage...yah so stuff with me and home and school...really aren't going all that well at the moment...aka...horrible...and it's seems to be getting worse as time goes on. I'm not making any progress when it comes to trying to fix the problem many cause the main source of the problem is not wanting to be fixed. I've tried talking to my parents one on one...and then even with the psychologist...and it just doesn't seem to work...which is extremely frusterating...as time goes on I continue to get more sick...and run down...and farther from getting better. Yah to people everyday...i seem pretty happy...but its cause im good at hiding it now. Many people really don't know me or who i really am...which can be a good thing and a bad thing. Right now its effecting me way too much...however I don't know how to stop it. I'm pulling away from supports and friends and people just don't know me anymore. It was funny...I was at the school yesterday after my appointment with my parents, because I was so extremely upset. I ran into Perry and immediatly broke down...oddly enough in front of my very good friend Corliss' last period class. She had no idea what was wrong and why I was like this...however no one does now. I'm drifting farther and farther away from friends who knew me better than I knew myself before, and that scares me.

So where do i go from here...I really have no idea...but as Ms. Perry continully tells me...just take one day at a time...and thats all you can do...and right now...even that looks hard...

...gone

2005-05-16T21:03:00.000-04:00

Yes, so I haven't posted in a while and when I have, it hasn't been to happy. A loooot has been going on in my life, and its amazing how much I have gone back to my old life style with how I handle things. Like new friends, I really don't want much to do with. I've been given a lot of opportunities which I really don't want to get involved in right now, just cause I'm not ready on so many levels, however I don't know how to say it. Right now I need the help of people who know me...cause I'm tried of trying to explain myself and get help from 20 million other people. It's too tiring and emotionally draining...so don't take it personally if i don't want to talk or whatever...i just need time and space at the moment.

On a lighter note...I had a suppppper awesome time at Emily Gamble's B-Day party on Saturday..."Amazing Race - Toronto Style"... GO TEAM MERIDITH AND GRETCHEN!!!! Yes we had a blast and acted like fools at times...but hey what do we care!!! I give totally thanks to Whitney's Mom for setting all of it up cause it was out of this world planned, set up and just organized! Some of the highlights were:

Realizing there is no room 1032 and being asked what the name was for that room..."SMITH, say Smith...it's common"

Dan giving a bumb $2.25 and when he asked if we had a favour...we asked hime to sing happy birthday to emily and he sang it wrong

Being totally lost more than once on the trip...including many running trips...which we left the place we were suppose to go

Going to the first Gay bar...and walk into a guy in a tight orange sequen mini skirt about to sing kareoke...have a guy tough kaylin's back and she at the time thinking it was a girl

Going to the second Gay bar as the first one didn't have match books...to find a lot of people in really big wigs...Asking the guy for a match book and him becoming exxxtremly happy to give us one and sign it.

The best was definatly though trying to get home. So us being the brilliant people we are decided that since there was no one at the ticket booth at the St. Clair Subway station, that we would try and shove 4 people through the spinning doors. Well we only got three through, and in the end we ended up having the cops called on, accused for breaking the entrance and walking like 5 blocks to eventually never get caught by the cops, get on the subway, and come home. That's a shortened version...never the less it was hillarious.

Hope you had an amazing day Em...and know that I had a blast!

The psychologist today with my Mom went weird...like it was just really random...it felt like a lot of the time, I was saying things, and she was just going "Yes, but this is the way I want it done"...however we both promised to work on things and you really never know...but ive done this before and im very weary of it. Right now i'm just to upset and frusterated to care. Honestly I'm sitting there in tears telling her stuff...and either it was my own fault or it never happened...like i know we made process goodness...now i have to bring my dad...but I really felt like nothing was solved...i still can't talk to my mom all that well and i have a lot of built up anger and frusteration and just hurt. But you know...its life...and you just keep pushing on...however tomorrow I have to appointments...one with a teacher and the other with my guidance councilor to let them know how it went...so we will figure it out then.

Newsflash for any of my friends who don't know...aka...most of them...yah well my parents decided that they may want to move. Yah...that was just something else that was placed on top of my mountain of things to worry/stress about...not even that i do need to worry...however i insist on doing so. So yes...don't panic as of now...however i have no idea whats going to happen.

Oh more exciting news that will make sure that I have escape points...Either tomorrow or Wednesday, I get to go out with my lovely friend Laura!!! WOO HOO!!!! Thats soooo exciting for me!!! As well my wonderful friend Elizabeth who I saw a Sobey's today is going to try and book off sometime where we can get together cause honestly...that girl has more going on than anyone i know!!! So thats verrrrrrrry excting and gives me many things to look forward to!

Anyways as I know sleep is not going to be that easy to accomplish tonight I'm off to bed!!! Keep on keeping on...as thats all i can do now...and just pray that i wont break down...!

...farther back than I thought

2005-05-09T20:43:00.000-04:00

You know...its always wonderful to go back to see a doctor and hear that not only have you ended back to where you started from, but now...you are even worse. I had the pleasure of hearing this last week...and have still yet to completely recover from the shock and frusteration of it all. I hate giving in...and i hate being forced to step back and take time off, and pull out of things that i love doing so much...because beyond letting other people down (which yes i know im not) I'm letting myself down. I hate the feeling of thinking that I'm just not that good...and that I can't handle what I want to handle. I went and talked to my guidance councilor today about options I have if things get too overwhelming at school...she was also going to talk to my teachers which was nice to hear. Then I come home...after an ok day...but a super lunch as i got to see my wonderful friend Amanda Weber, for the first time since Christmas...no but once I got home...my Mom called and I was telling her about what happened with my Guidance councilor and then how I got to see Amanda...and at the end of it all she made a comment about how if i could arrange to see Amanda at lunch then I sure as heck should be able to organize my life at school. I just wanted to quit right then and there...cause honestly...what do you say to that let alone think about what was just said.

I will admit...that i have lost control...and that my faith in God is the only thing thats keeping me going...however i can also admit that i need help...however that does not mean im going to ask for it...cause i wont ever...and im starting to get the feeling that a lot of my friend are tired of hearing from me...so im thinking about pulling back on that front as well...everyone needs space...and as my mom said tonight...it will good for my friends when I'm in Hawaii, a good break...

I'm tired of looking for support that isn't there...I'm tired of living my life for other people...and I'm extremely tired of being so upset and emotionally drain...right now I really don't know what to do...can't really go home for a shoulder to cry on...and I don't want to trouble the other ones...lol...I'm got myself inbetween a rock and a hard space it looks like...and this time...i have no idea how im going to get out...

...uneasy

2005-05-04T17:49:00.000-04:00

Things with me right now are...wow...now there is an interesting thing to ponder. I've broken down about 5 times over the last week, seen 2 different councilors and just really haven't been myself lately. I'm frusterated and tired of it all. Cause I hate being like this. But everything just has been upsetting me to no end lately...especially things at home. Not that I have a horrible home life...or anything where i'm in any physical danger...but to hear that I'm overweight and fat often and just to think that I will never be good enough...or everything i do is wrong...is really hard...and yes I have asked them if they would stop, in many different ways...but nothing really seems to work. They say they will and two weeks later it's back. There's really nothing i can do about it i guess...and its hard definatly to put up with it...but after awhile...that invisible wall...just kinda falls and you really start hearing stuff and it hurts more and more each time.

I want to be the best person I can be, and it's not if I'm trying to do otherwise, but I know that in the end I will never be the perfect picture you have in your head.

I had a good day today at my Church as I got to go talk to my youth pastor about everything. He gave me a couple of books to read and we talked about baptism. I'm pretty stoked for that now...only problem being is that the dates were switched and so now its June 26...which means that my wonderful friend, Ms. Beesley, who I wish could be there will be up at camp. Hopefully she is the only one who wont be able to make it.

Well thats it for now...lets go BLUE!!! (2-0)

...one step forward, two steps back

2005-04-29T22:25:00.000-04:00

So yes...the name really says it all...but I want to explain further on this one cause i had the most unusual thing happen to me tonight...

My sister went to sleep over at her friends house...and my parents were going to go out for dinner on their own...and then before they left...out of pitty...they decided to ask me. I agreed to go along cause there was no food in the house...and if the relationship between us is ever going to improve i have to try and make it work. Dinner was fine...no harsh comments passed either way...but I was jumping and just stressed and couldn't sit still. We were at Milestone's...which isn't too far from my house, so I asked if i could just walk/run home. After hesitating they said yes. It was good...it gave me a chance to try and clear my head...it was good until i hit carlton park which is where a lot of unionville hangs out...i really didn't see too many people there...but as i passed Becker's I noticed two guys across the street...after catching up with them, I realized two things...well really three. I knew them, they were carrying booze, and were very drunk. Anyways so they really didn't notice me on the other side of the street so i just kept going. As we hit a lighter spot they realized I was there and started looking and talking. There was a moment when i caught one of their eyes and i knew then they were talking about me...and i bet you it wasn't all that nice. So your saying, so what? who cares? they are your past. But as i kept walking, i realized that my head was telling me that, and my heart was telling me something very different. I realized that what those guys were saying was bothering me and did matter to me. I hated that thought. I felt like I was back in grade 7, and my self confidence was little to nothing. I realized everything that i had worked so hard to get over the last 6 years, was crushed right then and there.

I really made me think about where I am in my life...not just in general...but specificly with friends. Don't get me wrong...I have friends...lots of them...and they are amazing. But as i walked into dinner tonight I saw three of my friends from school eating dinner. And i tried to figure out why i really never did that or ever go out. And then as i saw those guys walking to that party...not that i would ever want to spend my nights like that...but i tried to figure out...other than the random get together with friends...I don't have a soild group of friends. Which is fine...but right now...i really don't know where i fit. My university friends are home...but they have changed and they have their own schedual, as they don't have school. And then a lot of my friends at school have similar plans like those boys do on weekends. I know there are others...but they are busy with sports and other groups of friends. I'm just somewhere in the middle...safe...but not always the best when all you need is a shoulder to cry on like none other.

Stuff at home isn't all that wonderful either...my mother and I are still on the whole "I'm fat" thing and she just wont drop it. It's really hard...cause I have heard the words "You can't" and "You aren't" a lot lately...and thats why i broke down the other day...cause I hear them at home a lot...and then football practice wasn't going well so i heard it a lot there. I'm just so tired of trying so hard to do well and get the approval from people...and then just have them throw the stuff that I do wrong in my face. I know what I do wrong...and I know whats not perfect about me...you really don't need to rub it in my face. I want to get away so bad...to know that I'm loved for who i am as a whole...and not be told what i should and shouldn't eat and that i have let people down.

And I hate to think this is a cry out for help, once again. Cause thats the last thing i want to do...is make it seem once again, like I'm weak...and can't deal with my own problems. Cause I do, i swear i try. And this isn't just a cry for attention...cause you know what...this is the last way that i would ever want to spend time with friends. I hate being so upset and so tired and just so stressed out...I'm tried of feeling like someone else.

...When the world just wont go away...

...lost

2005-04-28T17:07:00.000-04:00

I really have no idea what's going on in my life right now...if feels like i have pulled away from everything which makes me happy...it's funny for the first time in a long time...it feels like i have lost total control...and i really don't know what to do about it. Like I know there are people who I can talk to and go to...but i hate the thought of ever bothering them...cause many of them are just now coming back for the summer and thats the last thing they probably want. I've kept a lot inside...too much...for too long...either that or i have just played it off like it doesn't matter. I really don't know...I made a phone call yesterday...that I honestly didn't think I would ever have to make again...and it was one which i really didn't want to. I had a really long conversation with someone who has been amazing like me...its the adult figure when I really just don't know where to turn. I felt like the biggest baby in the world...cause i basiclly went up to her and ask her for a hug...and honestly it was all i could do not to cry...but we talked and realized...that im struggling right now...and i really have no idea what to do. I hate doing this...I hate crying out like I'm totally useless cause thats definatly not the case at all...the last thing i want to do is ask for help no matter how much I want or need it.

But I will always ask for that hug...

...out of control

2005-04-21T21:50:00.000-04:00

Wow...its hard to believe that missing three days of school can put you so far behind...not to mention missing a good 2 and a half the week before because of my wonderfully broken rib. So yes...i really should be doing homework...but right now just isn't the right time...no reason other than i just physically and mentally can't at the moment...the work which would be produced would be such garbage...it would be amazing!

Nope but even including injury...Bark Lake was pretty amazing...it sucked that i couldn't do a lot of the activities because of my back and i had some very concerned people looking out for me. No but it was a totally different experience which I had...there are so many memories up there and defiantly all of us wish we could go back! And for all the Lead 1's out there...just you wait...i'm defiantly applying to go up with you guys next year...lol!!!!

Oh my word...people are coming home sooo soon and i can't tell you how stoked i am about it...i need some of my friends home. I really need hugs more than anything right now...and maybe even a good cry...to get all this built up emotion and just garbage out. Although I do get to spend sometime over the next few days with Ms. Erin Carter...which is so exciting for me and just totally helps the mood and makes the world a bit more bearable.

I've been in weird moods lately...not really myself...and the thing that i was talking about in my last blog was dealt with today...and it was my wonderful friend from out east that really just calmed me down...we had a really good chat for a really long time...which was so nice...she's been madly busy with studying and such lately...and it was just nice to get a convo in!

I had a really good conversation on the bus ride home with someone who no matter where i go in life i will never forget her or what she did for me. It's really amazing to think what i have accomplished thanks to one conversation. Its really amazing that so few people go out of their way to make sure things with people are ok...luckly enough i have tons of them surrounding me and im totally bless because of them all. Nope but she really went out of her way to talk to me and figure out what was going on. A lot of people don't realize how much all the little things help and how much they make a difference in people's lives...I know that this person will never be forgotten.

Well thats about it for now...not to mention im dead tired thanks to the retreat as well as many other things...no but im thinking its time to hit the sack. So hope everyone is doing well and we will talk later!

...wild week!

2005-04-17T21:46:00.000-04:00

Well tonight is the night before to calm I have decided. I leave tomorrow for my LEAD 2 Bark Lake trip, which under normal circumstances would be fairly exciting other than the little bit of an injury I have going on right now...so yep...I'm fairly nervous at the moment...I don't really want to be pushed all that hard as when I do I have this tendence to injure myself even more. But we will see...

I get home on Wednesday and then Thursday my family leaves for Niagara Falls...which means that I get the house to myself...PARRRRRRRRTY...or not for all of you that really know me. No but it will be nice to just do my own thing for a bit...I'll enjoy the time...Plus I'm still allowed to have friends over so it wont be that lonely!

OHHHH she got her package!!! I promised my wonderful friend that I would send her a package...AND SHE GOT IT!!! Which was very exciting...and we got to have a really nice phone convo on Saturday to discuss many things including our obession with the show LOST!!! OH MY WORD...if you have never seen it before...YOU ARE SOOOOO CUT!!! Cause I tell you right here and now...its AMAZING!! Nope but it was nice to hear from her and just talk about life and how great it will be once everyone is home.

I have something bothering me...and it's on the back of my mind...and I'm pretty sure I know what it is...but I haven't been able to tell anyone yet...I really want to more than anything...but it's one of those topics that it has to be the right person...definatly there for me to talk to...i just waited a bit to long...which sucks cause now im going to have to try and deal with it when im away. I'm a little worried...cause I've been holding things in a lot more lately...and I don't know why...not even big things...just little ones...that end up big cause i hold them in. I hate it...cause i hate doing it...and i hate knowing that there are so many people right there to talk to and yet i still have this issue with talking about it. Hopefully once i get back, I will have one friend come over and spend some time over the weekend...and maybe another call to my friend out east. Bottom line...i just want all my friends home...to have in person...to have there to get a hug from...

...stupid rib

2005-04-15T16:13:00.000-04:00

OH MY WORD!!!! You wonder why I haven't posted for a while...well other than being extremely busy since April started...somehow over the last week I have been able to accomplish BREAKING (or fracturing...which ever you prefer...) MY RIB...and not even doing something heroic...although when i went to work i did tell them it was through football...no it was definatly through SNEEZING!! AHHHHHH it's so frusterating...and it hurts soooo much...and to make it even worse...my boss, (you can't decide your opinion on him...) wont give me the time off...so im working almost 28 hours this weekend with a broken rib! Yes and now i don't get to do much at my lead retreat (Monday, Tuesday & Wednesday) either as its very physical! Yes so that is very pooey and I'm very bitter about it allllllllll!!!

On a lighter note...I'm pretty sure that I will be baptized on the 5th of June which I'm stoked about. There are only a few things that i want to sort out which will help me make my final decision on whether or not being baptized at the Alliance is the best decision for me...but looking at it right now...all systems are go!! Which i'm very stoked for! I've already hit somewhat of an unforseen road block...but after talking to friend down south and east...I've decided that everyone who I want to be there will be there...and that's all that matters is that the people who really truly care about me are there.

What else what else...How about my amazing volleyball team came 7th at tier one PROVINCIALS!!!!!!!! Out of 5o teams in the province, they are 7th!!!!!!!! That's huge!!! Everyone knows that we could have done better...but what happened is in the past and we have to be happy with what happened! No but they really showed us what amazing athletes they all are and how they can pull together! It was also night that many of us could put our differences in the past and enjoy the last little while which we had together! All and all it was a super weekend and one which I will never forget! Thanks so much for the shirt and all the memories of an awesome season!

OHHHH...I know!! I got to have like 2 and a half amazing conversations with my wonderful friends! I had yet to call Amanda Weber this year when she was down in KENTUCKY...and so I had to find out her shoe size and i played a trick on her after she said that she wasn't going to tell me unless i called...cause she knows i never do...even when she asks. So...I told her I had to go make a call when in reality i called her and the stupid loser went to brush her teeth so i had to call back and she was all suprised...anyways she had practice so we couldn't talk long...and I called her back later on that week and we decided that we are going together to see MANY Blue Jays games while she is home!!! GO JAYS GO!!!!!! Yes we areeeeeeeee the coolest people ever!

And then I got to have another amazing convo with the lovely Elizabeth who i hadn't talked to on the phone for a really long time. It was nice to hear her voice and listen to all the stories of the place which i had been a month earlier! Nope but she really helped me on an issue which I was having which was nice and I was getting her all excited for her package that i sent her!!! And we decided that she is jinxed when it comes to playing roll up the rim...she CAN'T win...i swear! Nope but both sets of conversations were lovely and I'm so excited to have both of them home sooooooooo soooooon!!!!

And because I have to go to work...which were after 30 minutes i will want to shoot myself...I have to start wrapping this up!! Hope all is well with everyone and that you all do extremely well on your exams as i know you all will! So pumped to see you all!!!

...I'm glad I had the chance to be your friend

2005-04-01T16:14:00.000-05:00

You know...for the longest time...I had the hardest time finding friends...why I really don't know...lol...well it is me...so yah i do know why...but no...in all seriousness (if thats possible for me) it was not a very happy time in my life...to think that i couldn't trust anyone with the fear of being hurt. And ever since this whole thing between me and my mom has started...I have really doubted myself and the friendships I have. Don't ask me why...and no it wasn't anything anyone did or didn't do...it was me listening to people who don't really know the situation. But never the less...this time it really opened my eyes to what amazing friends i have. They are all so caring and kind and just worry so much about me and how i'm feeling. I really could go on and on about all of them...but whats the point...because I say it to them as much as possible. But I don't think they really get how much it truly means to me no matter how many times I say it. To have a friend tell me they look up to me or can trust me with private information or will go out of there way to see me...is yes rewarding for them (lol or so they say)...but I get so much out of it too. I've decided that there is no point in trying to worry about what people say...they don't agree with the friends that I have, or how much I talk to them, or how much time we spend together...cause they really don't know me or the friend or the friendship in general. I've the happiest i have been in a really long time...and I don't want to change that. So for those who have pushed me, and never given up on me, and just made me feel like the luckiest person in the world...I thank you...because the friendships I have with all of you are more important than anything anyone says or does...and thats the bottom line

...tired of hearing it

2005-03-30T15:43:00.000-05:00

Honestly, no matter who it is...you usually don't go and tell them that you think they have gained weight or their clothes are too small or whatever...but to hear it from a parent is ten times worse. It's like I have no feelings and what she says doesn't hurt...but it does...and I have told her that many times before...but it just seems like she doesn't care or doesn't listen and wont stop until she has me the way she wants me. Ok I know I could lose weight...and I'm not as in shape as I should be...but it's not as if I don't know that. I'm not dumb...and half the time she says this stuff it just makes me want to rebel and do nothing about it even more. I'm just so tired of being happy about things that are so great with me...and being brought down by stupid comments which really should effect me this much. But they do...and as time goes on they get worse and worse. I put on a face pretending that everything's ok...but the pain that's underneath is more unbearable than imaginable.

I found this song by Craig Cardiff the other day..."Grandma"...you can look at in many different ways...either way its an awesome song

Grandma says to the boy, "Everything has it's time,
and everything's time must end"
Well I thanked her for the checker games, and all the coffee talk,
I'm glad we had this chance to be friends.

And she says true love can never be a weapon,
And good friends are so hard to find,
Oh, and keep your nose clean, and watch before you cross the street,
And everything has it's time.

And anything worth having isn't easy,
And the pain is only a sign,
If you can just push through and make it out of bed,
Well then, everything will be fine.

And I say true love can never be a weapon,
And good friends are so hard to find,
And keep your nose clean, and watch before you cross the street,
And everything has it's time.

Grandma says to the boy, "Everything has it's time,
and everything's time must end"
Well I thanked her for the checker games, and all the coffee talks,
I'm glad I had the chance to be your friend.

...gone

2005-03-28T14:52:00.000-05:00

Yah so today...not the best day for anything really...after a pretty amazing weekend...I'm definatly not feeling all that wonderful. It's weird cause i go from these extreme highs to extreme lows without any control and warning...its so frusterating. I really have no idea what to do with myself right now...there is a phone call that i would love to make...just to hear her tell me that I'm over reacting and that everything will be ok...it wouldn't be the same as being there but I know right now isn't the right time...right now i really have no idea who to talk to or who to turn to. I've talked to probably the most important person in my life a ton lately...but knowing that i will never get a hug or have a shoulder to cry on...is hard...at least that day wont come for a while. I have no idea whats going on with me...and i wish i did...cause i hate this so much...and have no idea when its going to stop...

...EASTER!!!

2005-03-27T22:57:00.000-05:00

Wow so it seems like long post after long post for me lately...but anyways it has to be done as I have had quiet the busy life lately...lol...it makes up for those big long empty spaces where i have nothing interesting happening!!!

Yes so first of all, I have been attacked by many people for Live Strong braclets...and sorry everyone but the business is now done...as I have only a couple left and they are for some pretty special people who really truly deserve them! Not that all of you don't but just people who have really taught me to live strong no matter what...and when I think about it these people are the last ones who need a live strong braclet but they want one so hey we will go with it!

Anyways...Easter, Easter, EASTER!!! It's been probably the best Easter for me in a really really long time! It was really weird...cause it seemed like i spent more time with Erin Carter and her family then i did mine...lol and if the truth be known I think I did, not purposly of course!

Friday was the sleeeeeeep all day for Sam...goodness I have realized this weekend that I have definatly not caught up from Acadia yet. So yes pretty much all day Friday, I was in bed...however I got up around 3 cause I had to get ready for the GOOD FRIDAY YOUTH RALLY!!!! OH MY WORD...it was just AMAZING!!! When Erin told me it was that good I didn't believe her at all...I wish that every Friday could be Good Friday!!! No but that night for me will be a night that i will never forget for so many reasons. So much happened to me emotionally and spirtually and I can tell you with the combination of my Acadia trip and that night...huge leaps and bound were made in my walk with God...so that was super super cool for me! So after the 5 AMAZING hours...we headed off to Club 300 to bowl...and yes thats right Sam definatly won the second game!!! No it was a ton of fun and just a really nice night out!

Saturday was another day away from home as i worked from 8:30 am to 2:00pm cause I got sent home early wooooo hoooooooo!!!!!!! Then it was off to Vaughn Mills for the first time...goodness that was scary...it felt like they shoved way too many people in there. It was like wall to wall people CONSTIANTLY. The mall was pretty cool though...my favorite store was definatly the Bass Pro Store...goodness Elizabeth would have freeked out if she had the chance to go in there...it's GIGANTIC!!!!!! Once we left there i came home and showered just to turn around and go out again to Saturday Night Live. This week the skit wasn't all that wonderful but the message really was...and I learned a lot about why Easter is Easter, and what exactlly happened with Jesus. Then after that we met up with the rest of group to go and see a movie. It was funny cause everyone has changed so much...has so much happening in their lives...but somehow are all able to put grudges aside and have one night of just hanging out. No it was good to see everyone and the movie wasn't half bad which is nice!

Sunday was an awesome day as I had the pleasure of being able to see Erin's profession of faith...she did an amazing job and everything for her was so emotional because she was so excited and just thrilled that she was able to do that. I know all of her friends and family were very proud of her and really happy for her as well. After we went back to the Carter's house for lunch and we just hung out and laughed and just celebrated Erin's day. Then my mom picked me up and we went to our friends house for Easter dinner. Nothing too WOW but it was really special and really nice.

So yes that was my super duper weekend...hopefully everyone else has a great weekend as well...it was awesome to see all the people home from university...and you will all be home so soon...have a good one!

...sooo much

2005-03-27T15:19:00.000-05:00

There has been sooo much happening over the last little while...so much that I have barely had anytime to really get a good post out! Know that there is a HUGE one coming from the tales of ACADIA!!! Also I have had a pretty amazing weekend, with a lot of amazing things that have happened to me and just being able to share a lot of special moments with some of my best friends. Leaving Acadia was insanely hard (as you will all know very soon hopefully...)...but the week ended good with a lot of amazing things which just made it all a little bit easier. Anyways I am pretty wiped and need a bit of a nap before easter dinner. It's funny cause this time exactlly last week...I was boarding a plane...to take a trip that i really didn't want to...and although i wish I could go back, I've had some pretty amazing things happen since i got home...

...ACADIAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!

2005-03-23T15:45:00.000-05:00

Ok so yes...Over the last few posts I was in my total blahh and just getting back into the normal routine. And I just haven't been myself...I wasn't too thrilled to be home and missed my lovely friend Elizabeth and all her peeps. I just needed time to let everything sink in...I've changed a lot since I went and it's not like I am a totally different person but just some of my goals and outlook's on life have changed. Going away gave me an opportunity to get back to me...And just think things through and figure out other stuff. And now that the pain has lessened...And I feel as if I want to tell everyone how amazing my trip was...I'm going to!!!

So yes...OH MY WORD...There are no real words to describe the trip I had and for that matter describe how thankful I am for everyone who did anything to help me get out there! And of course to Ms. Elizabeth for letting me crash on her territory! No but it was just so amazing...amazing to get away...To go out on my own...To see country I had never seen before...And of course spend time with one of my most amazing friends.

It was really amazing cause the morning I left, I was extremely nervous and as I got off the plane and just got closer to seeing her and getting to the school, it was like panic mode...My brain was saying get out and my body was like...uhhh no your pretty much in for the next 5 days. But as soon as I got that first hug, it was like all the worry and all the stress and all of everything that had been happening since Christmas just sorta disappeared. I knew that the trip that I was about to have, was going to be amazing...And just a real life experience that I had never had before.

And from there on in...I went through many different emotions...Went through my highs and lows...And no so much because I was upset about being here...But more because finally I was happy and not worrying about everything else, which just gave me time to think about everything that I had been putting off because during school I was so busy. But it was good...Cause I was with someone who I trusted and loved and knew that would just be there to listen. And sure enough she was there for me...And so I went from dealing all with the crap one night...To having the time of my life another. People really don't understand my trip and what I went through because they don't see how if I didn't party, get drunk or smoke up...They just think it was boring...At least some of them. But no, that's not what I went out there for...I didn't go to run away from my problems...I went to face them head on. I could have gone and choose to drink my brains out and to get with a whole bunch of random guys...To "deal" with my problems as some of my friends suggested...But that's not me. So for them to comprehend that spending time with the person who is more like a sister than anything to me...And just to hang out and talk...And relax...Was just what I needed and just what I wanted. Yes it wasn't the most exciting trip but for me...I couldn't think of anything better.

But we did do some pretty cool things...We just didn't sit around and do nothing. First night I was there my lovely friend gave me a tour of the school and then treated me to dinner which was totally unnecessary but much appreciated. After, we watch the house elections which was an interesting first taste at residence..I believe it was Johnny T. Who came out with a fake tiger rug tied to his head, a bathrobe on and once he started to speak he took off the robe...Only to be wearing a long sleeve dri-fit shirt and a pair of under armour shorts with something sticking out in a certain place...Yes so anyways after that...We had a preview from a singer who we had bought tickets for in the lounge and he was amazing. So then we went up and got ready to go to the concert and after waiting in line for forever and a day...We got in and got front row seat which was really awesome. The concert was really amazing all parts of it...They opening singer was really awesome too! All and all a really awesome night and we went back and just hung out and talked and caught up. Next day, Elizabeth had class and so we got up went to breakfast and then headed back to get her stuff...She hooked me up with her computer so I didn't have to wander for 3 hours (which would have been cool anyways)...But she headed to class and I went to the Irving center (which is an amazing!) and hung out there for a few hours...And then I went to meet her before her English class...And then we went to English which was neat for me to sit in on. After thattttttt we went back and decided that we were hungry so we went to eat...However we ran into jenny and Morgan who are very cool peopleeeeeeeee! We chatted for a bit in the cold and decided it would be smarter to go inside eat and talk. So after dinner we went back to the room...And Mr. Beesley had called saying he wanted to take us out for dinner...So instead we just went with him! So that was very nice and after we came back and hung around did a bit of homework and then started watching lost, which by the way I'm totally hooked on now...And then I had the pleasure of meeting Mike, once he got back from the bar. We hung out talked...And I was introduced to JACK JOHNSON!!! Who is just plain amazing...So then after a while he left and we just talked a bit more and then went to bed. Next day was fairly similar however she just got up and left...I got up showered and then went downstairs two watch dawsons creek. She came back and got me and we went to her environmental studies class. That was cool and after that we decided to go into New Minas and checked out the Christian book store, bulk barn and then we were going to go to walmart but were both somewhat tired and just caught the bus back. After that we went back and headed to the library, beez had some random meeting about one of her classes and I just worked on random stuff...After me, beez and the lovely mike headed over the Subway for dinner! We went back to the room and just chilled out and talked to people before the left for the pub crawl. After they had left Mr. Beesley picked us up and we went for desert/snack in Kentville, yet before we stopped we went through Kentville about 3 times back and forth and back and forth...lol...Giggling all the way...lol...No so then that was a nice evening and we headed back and just relax and went to bed before the wild pub crawlers got back and made it a little bit more interesting. Next morning similar to the morning before however we were both getting up ready to head to Dalhousie...lol...I gave Elizabeth a bit of a scare when I decided that I didn't want to wake everyone up with my blow dryer...So I ran downstairs to do it...lol...And she thought I had ran away and was looking all over for me. She wasn't too happy to see me come up...lol...As she wasn't ready and not too happy that I had just left. That meant she wasn't ready and we couldn't go to breakfast. So anyways I felt horrible and off we went to Halifax. In the morning we wandered around the campus of Dalhousie...And I mean the actual campus cause we couldn't get into any of the buildings...Yet however once later on that evening we got back I realized that I had a campus access pass...lol...Sam's not the brightest tool in the shed! Yah so that was good as I found out that I really didn't like Dalhousie at all...But we had a good morning just chatting it up...Then in the afternoon because of her lovely uncle, we were able to score tickets to go and see a CIS basketball game, Ottawa vs. ALBERTA!!! That's right...I was DEFIANTLY cheering for the golden bears...eventhough they lost! Nope but it was tons of fun...We went back to grab some dinner and then were off to a Blues Concert performed by the surrounding artist. It wasn't all that bad...But not really my style...Luckily enough no one LOVED the show and we decided to duck out at intermission and headed over to Tim Hortons to grab a drink and doughnut. There Beez got some pretty exciting news...A lady that she knows from Timmy's and from Sobey's, found out that she was going to have a baby girl!! So congratulations to this lady I don't even know. Anyways so once we were done there...We headed back as we were both pretty tuckered out. It was probably one of the prettiest nights that I had ever seen...The snow was softly falling and it was just a really cool scene. Anyways once we were back at the room we were debating whether or not to watch a movie and then just decided to head to bed. But of course (as it was my last night) we talked for a long time...And then just as we were about to pack it in for the night, Mike called from the lobby and he came up and hung out with us for a bit...And then once he left we sat up and talked some more. Honestly I think that was my favorite night there...Not because it was totally filled with fun filled action...But because I got to just talk to one of the people who has been there for me for the longest time...And instead of over the phone, this time it was in person. It was so great...A real "bonding experience"...lol no but honestly it really was great! Then the next morning we got up for church, and went to Swiss Chalet for lunch and then headed back to the dorm to grab my stuff before I had to leave. It was a real hard morning for me...Cause no matter how much I wanted to enjoy the time I had left with my wonderful friend...The thought that I was going to have to say goodbye was on my mind. I was quiet and really not myself and I probably gave off the wrong impression...But by that time...I really couldn't have been all worried about that. And then before I knew it...I was back in the Halifax airport waiting for the plane...Using every fiber of my being making sure I sat there and didn't get up and run to catch a bus back to Acadia. I didn't cry when we said goodbye...But as soon as we pulled away...I don't think I stopped crying till the following Tuesday...And no I didn't cry all day everyday but there were defiant moments where it was just hard to keep it all in.

So yes...that just a peek into what my trip was...and many of you may that it was boring and uneventful...but hey you know what...the fact that i stayed sober the entire time was fine with me...and honestly the trip i got was 10 THOUSAND times better than I ever imagined it would be. No one really knows how much that trip changed me in so many ways...and the funny thing is the main way in which I was changed is not even really seen by so many of the people i know. I learned sooo much from being out there, on my own, and with someone who really cares about me. I know my life was totally changed out there and even though I was upset about coming home at first, I know that I needed to come back to really see the true changes which happened. I know that I will always have the laughs and memories with me...and I will always have my wonderful friend Elizabeth so you could say that a part of that trip will be with me forever. So for everyone who had some part in me being out there, going out there or whatever...I want to thank you because I had the time of my life. Without all of you I know it wouldn't have happened. As well a special thanks goes out to my wonderful friend Elizabeth who is going to get mail very soon expressing my thanks for everything! She was an amazing hostess and I can't thank you enough for everything you did for me! I miss your hugs and your smiles...and of course our late night chats...but soon enough you will be home!

Now before I start putting people to sleep with my story I will sign off...have a good one and until next time!!!

...trip of a life time

2005-03-21T14:57:00.000-05:00

...not leavingggggggggg

2005-03-18T23:12:00.000-05:00

I've decided that im never leaving Acadia...it's way cooler than home and the people here are cooler and everyones just more laid back and they all care about their friends as people not so much what the friends bring to them. I have had so much fun and just so many experience which i will never forget! As per usual my wonderful friend Elizabeth has been amazing and so welcoming which has made it all so much more enjoyable...anyways cause i don't want to waste anymore of my time here...I'm leaving...and for those poor people who have to deal with the emotional wreck who is majorly lack of sleep when i get home...i appologize...keep in touch and see you soon!

...@ the A-Dot!!

2005-03-16T23:44:00.000-05:00

It's kinda funny cause sometimes when my wonderful friend Beez writes a post about not knowing what to say cause she really doesn't know how or just doesn't know what to say...I really don't understand. But after spending my first wonderful day here...i can see why. Nothing negative at all...I've had a blast already and the people are soooo amazing...but its a totally different way of living...one which im so not use to...but hey im pushing my limits...and i need to do that. I need to take chances and make mistakes and live life to the fullest. I went to an amazing concert tonight...like there are no words to describe how amazing Craig Cardiff was...it was a once in a life time experience which i will never forget! Like the songs were so basic...yet they hit you on such a different level...it was just amazing...

I got the campus tour today and it was super duper and honestly just being able to spend time with my lovely friend ms. Elizabeth!! We have much planned for over the next few days which should keep us very busy! I know that im going to come out of this trip with so many new experiences and just a new out look on life...funny how that would be the second time that Beez has been able to show me that...truly there are so many others which have...but it just seems that no matter what...she is always there...whenever i need her. I honestly can't thank her enough!

Anyways as i have been up for over 21 hours now and because i have to get up fairly soon...I'm going to get a glimps at the Athletic complex tomorrow which im stoked about and then another lovely day with the BEEZ!!! so until next time...FROM ACADIA!!!!

...MCMASTER!!!!

2005-03-12T21:57:00.000-05:00

Oh my GOODNESS!!!! I honestly feel like I have been hit by a truck...But it's only because I had one of the most amazing days ever!!!! I had the pleasure of spending the entire day with Candice and her sister Corliss...And partially Candice's roommate Chloe!! It was a long day with a lot of walking, a lot of ground covered and a lot of laughs along the way! I guess after days like that it really makes me realize how much I miss and love all my friends that are gone! We just had a blast!

It started off with a very early morning and a fairly short car ride out to Hamilton...Although you would think that car ride would manage to be uneventful...no, no...not with Corliss Bean. First she discovered she had something in her eye, and thought that the only way to get it out would be to pound herself in the eye! And then I decided that I would imuse her with my I-pod...however...as soon as she started touching it...it froze ever two seconds! Once there it was only 9:15am so as you can imagine the campus was pretty quiet. We decided that since both Candice and I were pretty hungry (the only reason that I was hungry was because Corliss came early and I was trying to do a billion things at once and didn't get eating finished)...However as it was a university campus nothing was really open until 10:00am...So we decided to wander around campus for a bit and tell random and horribly bad stories about both mine and Corliss boy lives. Candice defiantly got a laugh out of all of them with the horrible taste in boys that we both have. I was wearing this pair of jeans that are really way too long for me...Which meant that after a day of walking they were soaking wet...Not to mention that Corliss has this issue with being able to walk normally and not splash slush all over everyone...And she also thought it was a fun game to kick snow onto me! Yes so some how I ended up very wet within the first few hours there. So anyways...We are on our way back from the tour to Candices Rex when we hit a hill with a lot of fresh snow on it...So I decided to try and slide on it and it worked really well...So Corliss decided to do the same thing but take a running start...Well she defiantly almost wiped out and thought that the best idea would be to grab onto me...So once again I was very close to falling. Also in that same trip we walked beside this dumpster which was on the right handside and the forest on the left...Anyways it was really silent and then there was this rustling beside the dumpster...And it was just a squirrel. I didn't really find it all that loud but Corliss standing right beside it decided to make the comment "That scared me soooo much...I thought it was a BEAR!!!" I swear that kid makes it so easy for people like me and her sister to make fun of her. And finally to top everything was the super smooth comment that I made as we passed that dumpster for the second time. Anyways I had my hood up cause I didn't want my hair to get anymore wet than it was...However I really couldn't hear what was being said very well so it was a real guess most of the time. Anyways so Corliss made some smart remark about the dead FOREST right in front of us...And Candice then responded with saying something like its not dead in the summer and its really pretty. So it was early, I couldn't hear very well and it's me...So I translated it into dead HORSE, and the rest was the same. So I was like...Where the heck is this dead horse...Well...We almost had to help the Bean sisters walk cause they found it so amazingly funny that I was that stupid...Most likely you reading this story right now wont be all that funny...But it was hilarious at that moment.

Anyways so then we went and were talking to her roommate and then we went over to see Whitney...And it was great to see her...Then food was open so we went to get some with Whit...And we sat and talked and ate and watched "Dennis the Menace" which was very amusing. After that we went back to the room to get Candice's roommate...We then ran for the bus in the snow and realized while on the bus that it was a very interesting town which we were in. There were two girls that stood about a centimeter away from Candice and Chloe talking to each other...It was hilarious sitting across from them. And then just before we got to the mall...this guy decided after the bus driver had already let everyone off, that he needed to get off...so he started yelling at him to let him off...however he was in such a hurry that he left one of his bags behind...Corliss wanted to keep the bag with tomatoes in it...but then we decided that we didn't think that was the best idea. Anyways we finally made it off the bus...And got to the mall...And at first...I really didn't feel like shopping...Cause honestly is that who I am?!?!...lol yah right! But then for some odd reason...I really got into it..We stopped for another food break where we talked about a lot of random and funny stuff...Such as favorite movies...And I FOUND OUT THE NAME OF THE OTHER ONE! Steel magnolias!!! lol I feel better now...No but Chloe then decided that she knew me well enough to start making fun of me...So it was just a lot of fun going around and shopping and hanging out with them all. I got a new rugby shirt and zip up sweatshirt from Campuscrew...And then a pair of jeans from Roots...I was very proud...The rest which I was with decided to go all out on the Old Navy flip flops! All and all we all made purchases...Even Candice made a good one at the Disney store. We shopped for like 4 hours...And were all pretty tired once finished...So back we went on the bus. This time we had quite the drive back as before we even got on the bus...We saw this lady in the mall...Who honestly looked like something out of a movie. At first we had a hard time trying to figure out if it was a guy or not...But what she was wearing was even better...It was this bright lime green faux fur coat...With blue everything else...Like honestly we thought it was some joke or something...But no...She was actually wearing it cause she wanted to. So anyways we go and catch our bus...And we are sitting there...And I can see this pink thing coming towards the bus...And then it comes on the bus...And it was defiantly a guy wearing these BRIGHT PINK splash pants and a BRIGHT PINK hat. We all had to concetrate so hard on not laughing...It was comical. Finally once everyone was on the bus...We started going but were cut off by this guy who went through this 4 way stop...Anyways so the bus driver pulls up beside this guy...And starts screaming through the window...We go a bit farther and then he announces to the bus that he is sorry for that out burst but he has had the worst day ever...As his phone was stolen...It was really random...And then the guy in the pink pants offered him money...Which was great...lol!

Anyways so we finally made it back...Dropped off our stuff and then me and the Bean sisters walked to Boston Pizza to get some dinner...It was really nice and it gave us an opportunity to really sit down and have a mature conversation...That is when Corliss didn't talk...lol juju!! No but it was a really nice dinner...And a good way to finish off the day! We went back to her room and got our stuff and before we knew it their dad was back to pick us up! So we said goodbye and were on our way...With the I-pod going strong...And me being so pro...Working the seats reclining ability so amazingly! No the car ride back was pretty quiet...As both of us were pretty beat! And now I'm here now...After brilliantly leaving my purse with my I-pod in the Bean's van. So although I did goof up and forget something...All and all it was a great day!

So to everyone who was able to share those memories with me...Thanks and hopefully you enjoyed them as much as I did! I know that it will defiantly be one of my march break highlights! Thanks for having us both Candice and Chloe...And thanks for showing us around all day! And to Corliss thanks so much for coming along! I had a blast!! Looking at it now...If I had this many memories for one day...Just think of all the ones I'm going to have for 5 days at Acadia! So now that I have written a dictionary I'm off!!

...Break is here!

2005-03-11T22:06:00.000-05:00

I swear...I just left work with the biggest smile on my face...for the soul reason that I really truly can't believe I have made it through the last little while. It has been so insane, I can barely remember what I have done half the time! But the break is here and for me I'm not ashamed to say its much needed and much deserved. I swear over the next 5 days exaustion is going to set in for me. But it can only last 4 days really and starting Sunday and ending Wednesday morning because...

TOMORROW I'M GOING TO MCMASTER!!! WOO HOO!!! PARTY!!! Me and my lovely side kick Corliss leave at 8:15am tomorrow morning and then are coming back sometime tomorrow night! We are going to see her wonderful sister Candice and chill out there for a bit!! Totally and completely excited to finally get to do something just fun and not have to worry about school and the rest of that crapppppp!!!

And then...

ACADIA ON WEDNESDAY!!!! WOWZERS!!!! It's honestly insane...I can't believe it is actually here and that I get to see my wonderful friend Beez in less than a week! The whole nervousness has definatly set in...but most of the time the sheer excitement over rides it all!!! It will be a party and a half...and a great chance for me to see the coast, schools that I'm interested in, and my wonderful friend! What more could i ask for...no much...cause being able to live in a university dorm for 5 days will bring its own exciting adventures up for me. Oh my word...it's like my birthday and christmas all over again!!!!

Anyways as I have an early morning tomorrow...and I'm very tired...I better be off...for those that i don't talk to...have an amazing march break and we will talk once we all get back!!!!

...SO SOON!!!!!!!!

2005-03-08T13:57:00.000-05:00

Yes so once again I have totally slacked off in the updating process...and I promise that I will get better at it sooner or later! No another reason that I haven't posted in a really long time is the fact that a lot has happened and it was all somewhat personal and just hard...I really didn't want to deal with it through here. So now that a lot of it is over and done with I can deal with all the amazingly wonderful stuff thats happening right now and very soon!

Yes so...wow...it's hard to believe that it's only 8 DAYS till Acadia. It seems just like yesterday that it was like 75 and I never thought that I would make it. But I have and as time goes on, I become so much more excited, and nervous and just ready to go! There has been so much just BLLLLAAAHHH happening here, I'm ready to leave and see one face that I know really well and a whole bunch of other new ones! The reason I'm nervous is the whole flying by myself and attempting to get to Acadia on my own. But I'm thrilled to have the opportunity to just go and chill with Elizabeth! It sucks not seeing her (as well as everyone else) as much as i did last year...but it just makes it so much more fun and special when we do hang out! Beeeeez, i know your busy and stressed out to the max right now...but let me know once you have a free moment as i have somethings to ask you about coming! Me being the loser nerd who was freeked about not making the bus in halifax...made sure that everything would fit into carry on this weekend! So yes AKA I PRE PACKED!!!! But only cause I don't want to have to wait in Halifax for an extra like 5 hours! So call me a nerd or a loser or whatever you want but hey I wanted to be sure!

OOO I'm also really excited cause even before that super huge adventure I get to go on another kinda mini one! Me and my wonderful friend Corliss (who owes me more than she knows!) are going to take a day trip tooooo...MCMASTER!!!! We decided that I would be a nice break and be awesome to go and visit Candice for the day! So thats a party that I'm much looking forward too! Me and Corliss have had some pretty funny times over the last little while...and we plan to continue on having them when we go bowling at 1:30am followed by another amazing game of pond hockey!!! We're not drunk couch potatoes, Corliss...WE ROCK!!!

Whatelse, whatelse...my parents and sister are going to New York while I'm at ACADIA!!!! They are going to pick up a ton of live strong braclets!!!! I'm so pumped cause I have wanted one for soooo long! They are picking up extras so let me know if you would like one!!!

See my life isn't that exciting at the moment...OH but my mommy and daddy got me a really nice easter present...and yes i know its not easter but they wanted to make sure i liked it otherwise it would have been too late to return it if they would have waited till easter. Over the last little while I have been looking for a cross...and being the picky person that I am...I could never find one that was just right. So my Mommy came home the other day and was like LOOK WHAT I FOUND! And i loveeee it...it's so pretty and it's very much me!!!

Things between me and a friend haven't been great over the last little while and i kinda resorted back to what I had been doing a long time ago. I just kept it totally inside and just didn't deal with it...and finally over the last little while it got to me...and i hate having some of those thoughts going through my head again...so i resorted to something that has helped over the last little while...and i just have prayed and just tried to figure it out some other way that taking the pain out on myself. And for once in my life i did something which was hard for me in the sense that I have not much self confidence and for me to approach this person was really hard. Anyways I finally just did cause I needed her help, and I asked her to pray for me. She then asked me to let her know if it helped...if anything happened. And this is what I have to say to it...even if the actual thing that she prayed for didn't work, it really doesn't matter. Cause what i got out of it was so much more. To know someone cares about me enough to do that and she was so amazing about it to...like she made me feel so great about myself. And i guess it really doesn't even matter what happens with my other friend...cause I have so many other amazing ones who make me feel so great about myself. I'm really truly blessed to have the ones that i do...and thanks for that favour...you know who you are!

Well that is all i really can come up with at the moment...the bell is going to go pretty quick which means i get to go and limp around the gym practicing football for an hour...stupid bum ankle...acts up way too much...probably cause im stressing too much. AHHH i can't wait to leaveeeeee!!! So until next timeeee...after i get back from MCMASTER...have a good one!

...took me long enough

2005-02-19T11:02:00.000-05:00

Yes and so the big pauses continue in my blog life...lol...mainly because I have been really sick once again and because I need to be in the right mind frame to write a blog...and I just haven't been there in a while so now I have to post a long one as so much has happpened over the last little while.

So I made it though exams which was nice as i didn't fail one of them. I realized though that I need to prioritize better...I can't have everything weighted equally...It just wont work. So I have cut back a little bit on everything else so that school takes first priority. I'm also a bit worried as I look at all the things which need to be done for next year's journey of trying to get into university.

My Dad just got home from Harvard...which was really cool. His company sent him down there on a business trip. He took this week long business program through his company which is like a look into a bachlors degree...anyways so he called midweek and said the campus and the atmosphere down there was just so amazing. So I told him that I wanted to go there...and he said that there is noooo way as tuition for one term was $50,000 Canadian...so I asked him for a sweatshirt instead. And the one that I got is amazing...and all my friends want one...or to have mine!!!! And YES IT'S REAL!!!! No but it's soooo nice!!!

What else, what else...Oh of course...THE B-ROCK CAME HOME THIS PAST WEEEEEEK!!!! Man oh man, it was such a party!!! I had the pleasure of spending a ton of time with Emily Gamble...and got to see Rob as well. I was just so happy to have all of them home!!! It makes me realize how lucky I am to even be able to see them...cause although they are fairly far away...they are close enough to see every now and again. You guys really have no idea how much I miss you when your away and how much I enjoy getting to see you. Have a great trip back, I will miss you a ton and we will talk soon!!!

Actually speaking of the Brock people, I had a really life changing experience the other day. I go to church every Sunday night with Erin usually and because the Brock people were in town Emily and Rob decided that they wanted to come this Sunday. Anyways I spent the day with Emily and so we met Rob and Erin there. While we were waiting, the youth pastor Rob came up to me and started to talk to me. He never really does that cause he doesn't really know me other than Erin's friend...but it was nice none the less. Anyways so Erin and Rob arrived and we went in. Rob (the pastor) came up onto the stage once everyone was in and started to make announcements...and all of a sudden we heard gun shots and a whole lot of yelling from a room, just to the left of the band. I was really freeked out...so Rob when over to see what was going on...he came back and said that he had no idea what was going on. Anyways so once we all somewhat calmed down the band started to play and we went on our way singing along. Then all of a sudden it happened again...but louder and it seem closer and more intense...by this time i was terrified along with Erin and Emily...we kept asking each other what was going on. So as it's happening Rob the pastor runs up onto the stage and just starts yelling about everything the lights couldn't be up, and how some law was just passed saying that we couldn't meet as a group and that if we wanted to keep our live then we had to follow him as quickly and as quietly as possible. So we did...the entire time he kept telling us to hurry and to be quite. We left the main building and went over to the youth group building...once in there we didn't turn the lights on and instead had 5 candles and a few flashlights. We went to sit up around on the ledges but Rob said we couldn't sit there...everyone needed to be as close to the ground as possible and away from the windows. So once in there we were told that we had to be silent unless told otherwise...and we continued the service in there...so people would read passages and then we would sing and that continued on for a bit until there was a banging at the door. Rob started to yell at us to get down and to be silent. Someone went outside and all you heard was yelling and screaming and a ton of gun shots. And then for what seemed like forever there were people walking around the building yelling and shinning flashlights through the windows and banging on the building. I have never felt more scared in my life. When Rob told us to get down because i was on the edge of the couch with Rob (my friend) on my left, and Emily sitting on the arm rest on my right. When that happened, Emily bent down close to me and all i could do was just put my arm around her and hold her other hand cause i was so scared and I could tell that she was too...We sat there like that for the longest time...and even though I was scared out of my mind...in a sense I wasn't at the same time...cause I knew that no matter what happened I was in a place where I was accepted and with people who really loved me. Anyways so that finish finally and we went back to the service...and although nothing else happened...everytime i heard a noise from outside...I jumped and my heart started to go. Once everything was done...Rob told us that we could leave in small groups quietly and quickly...so we did and we saw people going back over to the church. And it was only then that we realized it had been staged. Some people had picked up at the beginning that it was because supposidly when it happened the first time Rob went over and said something and didn't cover his mic very well so it came out as "It's too early, do it again in 20 minutes"...so yes eventhough it was fake and just trying to show us what living in a place where the church is persicuted is like...I still had never been more scared in my life. It really opened my eyes up and made me realize how lucky I am to have everything I do. I know that I will never forget that ever.

Speaking of Church, I went to volleyball a few weeks ago...I was a bit early so there was only one other girl there and I somewhat knew her as she wasn't on my team. But I knew her enough so that when I got there we gave each other a hug and started talking about how things had been going. We were talking and i did something so that my W.W.J.D bracelet was showing. She stopped in mid sentence and grabbed my arm and asked me if i was Christian...and i was like yah why. She was like SO AM I!!!!! Anyways so we started talking and she was saying how she is looking for a new church and i said that she should come with me and see what she thinks. She seem to think that was a great idea...and we were listing to worship music on my i-pod before we practiced and after she just gave me this big hug. I felt sooo blessed to have met her and I'm soooo pumped about getting to know her better...lol...and it rocks to have a 6 foot tall friend who is younger than me...lol. Andie we neeeeeed to have another convo soooooon...and you need to come to soulhouse with me sooooon!!! Love ya kid!!!

New topic...Markham bands OWNEDDDDD OBA Musicfest this week...like no one could touch us! The grade 11's on the thursday went in and blew the judges away bring home a solid gold easily and playing some pretty hard music at the same time! We were inbetween a B400 and a B500 level. So that was pretty awesome. And then on Friday the grade 12's came in playing a solid B500 level repitoire and blew the judges away again...getting the only gold of the day and also earing the best brass section. The today we went in as a combine band playing solid B600 repitoire and once again blew them away...It was really amazing that we could do that as we all basiclly had to learn 6 pieces and hard ones at that in the course of 2 months...and being as we are highschool students I find that really impressive. Way to go Markham!!!

OHHHH ACADIA...LESS THAN A MONTH AWAY!!!! Wow am I pumped now...it's soooooo amazing and I'm sooo excited. Goodness I can't wait to see my Beez...man, that girl rocks and it sucks not getting to see her very much. I'm getting a little bit nervous now...I really don't know why...I think it's probably cause I don't want to be the annoying friend who barges in on the life shes got going on there. But goodness it's going to be so amazing to get away from Markham and venture to a place where I have never seen before. OH MY WORDDDD!!!!

Speaking of Universities...I got my course selection for next year early last week...and my goodness I somewhat freeked out after getting it. It made me realizes that the end is coming sooner than I thought. So I spent I while last week looking into schools which interest me and that I think I would like to go to when that time comes. It looks like right now that I'm most likely going into business and then once done that, into Law. But who really knows with me...lol. Anyways my top 4 right now are Dalhousie, Laurier, Acadia and Brock. There is also St. FX, St. Mary's and probably a school closer to home like U of T or York...but it's still a ways away. I'm looking forward to moving on though so I'm excited unlike many of my friends.

Volleyball has been going ok. I had to run a practice a few weeks back...it was one right before a tournament and my other coach wasn't there. I invited one of my friends who is an amazing volleyball player and someone who i played with last year to come and help. I was really excited to run the practice and to show her how amazing the team was. Unfortunatly it went as far from perfect as possible. They totally disrespected me and Sasha and just really made me feel like crap. That was one of the hardest emotional things i have ever had to do in my life. I left that night wanting to cry and just exploded on my mom on the ride home. They sucked at the tournament which i knew was going to happen, but they deserved it. Things are ok now...but it's still really hurts and frusterates me as they think everythings ok now. But hey they are 15 year old girl...what else should have i expected. I learned a life lesson then, and no matter how much i hated it, it was totally worth it.

We got a new boss at work...which is quiet interesting...a lot of things have changed for the better and for the worst. He's a lot more strict on a lot of things and it gets a bit annoying as he sits and just orders us around. But that's life and you have to deal with annoying bosses. I should be getting a raise soon as i have been there for long enough to ask for one. I better get on that. But other than that i'm still enjoying it. The co-workers are pretty awesome people, and the whole thing is sports so how could i not like it. Really random and off topic but I got a new mouth guard from there and it is soooo great...lol...i know i know...it's a mouth guard but this one is super!!! Not to mention it's BRIGHT GREEEEN! It's also gell which makes it so comfortable to wear. Hey I know I'm a nerd...but right now i have football on the brain.

The team this year actually looks really good...we have a ton of rookies who came out and are really amazing athletes. It's going to be a lot different for me this year without Erin (...tear...)...cause if i play bad...there is NO ONE else...or at least not like there was last year. Me and Carter were pretty equal in playing ability each having different strengths and weaknesses...however this year...there is NO ONE...at least no one who had play quarterback in an actual game. So it shall be interesting...goodness i don't even trust myself when i think about what i have to do...lol!

Oh I found out a little while ago that i get to go out west the weekend after the may 2-4...For my Grandma's birthday the family gave her a tree which we are going to plant at my Grandpa grave in March. Originally it was only going to be my Mom going and then it was the whole family, and now we have realized my sister has a dance competition so now it's only going to be me and my Mom. It will be really nice, cause i haven't seen anyone from out west since the summer...and i never really talk to many of them (which is really bad on my part). No but i never knew my Grandpa and I have never been to his grave so it will be really special for everyone. I'm really looking forward to it.

As there is NOTHING else in my life that i haven't written here...lol...or at least nothing else that I want to share with the whole world...I'm going to wrap it up...As I have decided that i need to post more often so that my posts aren't uberly long...lol this one took me FOREVER! So Beez now you can't yell at me as it is DONE!!! Anyways hope everyone is doing well...i hope to talk to all of you soon. For those i don't get to see very often i miss you guys and can't wait to see you all!!! Make sure you all keep in touch!! Until next time (which I PROMISE will be sooner than later) have a good one!!!

...slacked off

2005-02-01T10:32:00.000-05:00

Wow...I haven't posted in forever...why that is...probably cause i have been busy with exams and i am still sick. The cold refuses to die...it's been like a month now or something...it's insane. No but now that my exams are over (other than gym and music) I do have a bit more time. Lol...however after that...I wont cause after taking my exams...i realized i do have to get down to work...like nuts. Bio and Anthro were fine...then again those weren't the two which i was worried about. It was physics and math...and did they ever fulfill my guess. Nope but math was ok...there was just so much...some of which i didn't know...but i knew more than enough to pass...lol...or at least i hope so. And then there was physics...and it wasn't even really hard...there was just sooooo much...and physics is one of those subject where you need everything right or it screws everything up...so you are always checking and double checking. And for physics i literally just ran out of time...completely...there was only a couple of questions which i didn't know at all...the rest i didn't have enough time to do them all. So that was physics and math...so hopefully i wont bomb completely and totally this report card but you never know lol. I should be ok.

As for the rest of my life...there really hasn't been one lately...I've killed myself with studying...and that means really not much of everything else cause i couldn't get healthy and push myself hard to study...so the social and work life have been pretty subduded...which isn't always a bad thing...I hadn't been to volleyball in ages...last night was my first night...and it was so great to get back although it really made me realize how much i had suffered while being sick. Nope but the main reason i wanted to go was to see Stacey before she left for Africa for a month. I really don't like the fact that she is leaving for a month but I'm happy for her cause she is so excited. I was talking to her last night about her whole move thing as well and I found out that she is moving (probably) to MARKHAM!!! Which i know is the farthest thing from exciting for her...but totally exciting for me!!! That means she sooooo much closer. YAHHHH for me...I love that girl so much...I have played with, had her coach me, or coached with her for the last 3 years. It's so awesome and I love her to death! Parker you ROCK!!!!

What else, what else....ohh I'm getting an I-pod soooon...thanks to my lovely friend Ursula. I have been spending the last few days loading all my cd's on to my computer...lol i have way too much music...but then again...music is my life. My Dad is going to shoot me cause i always have too much music on the hard drive and as of now i have something like 2 and a half gigs or something...lol wont that be a nice welcome home present!

Everyone around my house is a little stressed out anyways...last weekend we got a phone call telling us that my Nana is in the hospital again and is really sick. It's hard cause we are so far away...i pretend like everything's ok...but on inside im pretty scared...it's not the most enjoyable thing to go through. It's right now when i appreciated the amazing support i have from my friends. Like no one really knows how just a simple conversation can make me or break me. I know that's not good...but that's me...and i need my friends...and i'm just lucky to have the ones that i do.

Speaking of friends and such...it's really weird...cause it is right now a year somewhat since i was in Florida. It's been a year since i blew out my ankle and among other things...really figured out what was going on in my life. It was in Florida when really the first person really stretched out to me and asked how i was and what was going on with me. She got an earful but she sat by a sobbing me and not only calmed me down but really opened my eyes up to what was going on with me. Florida taught me so much about myself, and I met some amazing people in the process. But I guess what progressed from Florida were the things which were most important. I admitted, I needed help and just didn't know where to turn. I found help and slowly but surely got better...I'm not going to say it was easy...cause it wasn't...at all...but it was worth it. I met some of my best friends and strengthed friendships i already had. I learned a lot about myself and what i want in life. I have truly grown up a lot over the last year. It's one of those things that was at times horrible...but as i look back on it now...there is nothing in the world which i would change. And as i think of all the laughs, tears and just moments which i loved and hated so much all i can do is smile...cause for once in my life...I feel like i am in the right place at the right time...that i belong...and that has been something which has never really worked all that well...and finally this time it did. Here are some highlights:

Key West, Florida Football Trip
Many JADAS outings with substitutions every now and again
Europe Mural
Psychologist and then another one
Prom
Dating Danny (if that's what you want to call it...lol)
Ice Cream Store Visitors
Lunch in the Hall
The lovely lunch dates with Elizabeth
Another York Region Championship for Flag
Funeral at March Break
Care Package
Summer out West
Constiant "Football's better than Soccer" wars
Constiant "Football's better than Rugby" wars
Hugs in the Hall
Volleyball Championships
Three Blue Pigions
ACCIDENTALLY IN LOVE!
A Walk to Remember
Numerous Boy Chats
STACEY'S COTTAGEEE!!!
Reparing the Ankle
Me freeking out on many occations
Death Threats and Plane Letters
Job at National Sports
Music Banquet Adventures
Many Summer Visitors
Saying goodbye to the University go'ers
Plus much, much more

So as you can tell a lot has happened...and I'm sorry to anyone who I forgot or any special moments which i forgot...cause you know i would never mean to do that. I'm not the fastest person to remember everything. No but to everyone who was there for me for that chapter of my life...all i can really say is thank you...most of you really don't understand what you have done for me...and there are real no words to describe it...so just know that it didn't go unnoticed.

I have this obsession with Jimmy Buffet right now...probably cause that's all we heard in Key West...but hey...what can you do...I know that most people reject my music choices horribly...but you gotta live your life for you...and so the rest just have to deal with it!!!!!

And as my life is really not that interesting and as i should be practing my Bass Clarinet...I will wrap this up! Hope everyone is doing well...we shall talk to all of you sooooon!!!! Keep in touch and remember no matter who it is...im always here!

...I vote on no exams

2005-01-22T11:17:00.000-05:00

Goodness...exams are sucky...like honestly who cares about lysosomal digestion...I sure as heck don't...but yet I have to pretend to at least somewhat care. So yes as i sit here...typing a whole lot of nothing i could be using my brain a lot more effectivly but i choose not too. I had my english one last Thursday which was in all honesty a joke and a half...not cause it was easy...but because not only did the review have nothing to do with the exam but instead of writing an essay we had to write a paragraph in shakepearing language...now that is going to be one thing that I NEVER use in my life. Come on now honestly...lol although all i really did was add the words Thou, Thy, Doth and some other random words and thats it. Not really shakespeareian at all but hey what can you do. I have Bio on Thursday, Anthro and Math (which will be the death of me) on Friday, Physics on Monday, I somehow was only able to get my solo time for the Wednesday in the middle of the day for some random reason which sucks, and then on Thursday I have my Gym beep test, a 2 hour band rehersal and football, which will be insssssane cause all the rookies are coming out! 104 people who really don't know what they are in for...lol it shall be fun! But after that I'm DONE!!!

And once exams are over and done with...time is going to FLY...I miss quite a bit of school for music stuff in February...and then the first 2 weeks of March there's no band at ALL!!! And then third week I'M GOING TO ACADIA!!! PARTYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!! WOOOOO HOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!! 53 DAYS AND COUNTING!!!! My goodness if you couldn't tell that I am excited I am...lol cause it's so hard to tell! Nope but i will be a very happy camper once these stupid exams are over as i have much to look forward to!!!

So for those people who didn't know I'm going away for the month of July...to HAWAII!!!!!! Which will be another party...at first I wasn't all that pleased...4 weeks away from my friends and home and other important people is a lonnnnnnnng time. Anyways so when my cousin was here in December my Mom and Dad told her that if she paid for a plane ticket that she could come and stay with us. Well she went home and told her parents and they decided that it would be fun to come down as a whole family!!! So now we are getting to spend 3 weeks in maui with them!!!!! PARTY!!! They have 4 girls and we all get along really well...I'm so stoaked now...i was before but even more so now!!! It shall be a blast!!

Since now that I have wasted a good amount of time and really have gotten nothing done...i should be off...I have a big night tonight as many of you know so there is also a bit of getting ready to be done for that as well...!!!! Wish me luck and talk to you all soon!!!

...feeling nothing

2005-01-17T14:00:00.000-05:00

Have you ever felt like you were on this emotional rollercoaster...that you just could't get off...but what makes it worse is the fact that there are so many sharp turns and dips and just unexpected actions. I can tell you i think im on one of those otherwise, I'm not too sure whats going on with me. I guess I'm so scared this time is because I haven't felt this way in a really long time...and the last time i did, i can tell you was probably the lowest of my low. And it's not even like it's bad this time...cause its not at all...like either way the out come of this rollercoaster can only be good...so then why i'm i even on this rollercoaster? Your guess is as good as mine...cause right now...i can't make sense of anything. Right now i can only think about one thing and one thing only...which isn't that great as we are heading right into exams. It's hard cause I've really never felt like this before...and i hate that i can't just control it. But whats even harder is the fact that i don't know how to get this emotion out...i don't know what to say to him...i don't know what to say to my friends...i'm just so confused...I know that this really isn't a hard decision cause in my heart i know what i want...but then why am i so scared or confused or whatever i am...I wish I had some of my friends who are at university home...Somehow they would give me magical words to make all the pain and just unsureness go away...cause thats what hurts right now...and i can't figure out what i need to do to take it away...

I need a hug...

...falling harder and faster than even I know

2005-01-15T20:26:00.000-05:00

The neat thing about growing up is that you go through so many new experiences and feelings...and very rarely is it ever the same even if it's the same situation. And I have come to a new situation...one which is very new...and its some how really exciting and really scary at the same time. Like I'm one that often times doesn't get too worked up about many things...or at least im really good at hiding it...but the one thing that really gets me worked up is situations i don't know...or something big may happen...or doing something with a friend who i haven't seen for a while. All the stuff that really shouldn't, gets me all worked up. The funny thing is this time it's a boy...and its never a boy...ever...like me and boys...never have any problem just being friends...and usually even if i want it to become more...it doesn't...there is just something about me...that seems to attract boy's friendships...and thats it. But with this boy...it's always been different...not at first...but the more we hung out as friends, the closer we got...and now it's so much different. I know i have strong feelings for him...cause i honestly would not be in the state i am if i didn't...I'm so nervous and excited about next weekend...I'm just hope that everything will go well...and i will be able to stay calm until that time. No but this is a new experience which im sooo pumped for...and i hope he feels the same way.

...sicker than a dog

2005-01-11T09:15:00.000-05:00

So yes for all those people who continued on telling me to go to a doctor time and time again...I hate to admit it...But you were right. I went last night and instead of a insanely serious sinus infection, which is what my uncle thought I had...We found out that I was fighting off a really bad sinus infection and a more full blown case of bronchitis. LOVELY!!!! So somehow this year, I have wore myself down so much, I've been able to catch two virus, bronchitis and laryngitis, which never before in my life I have been able to get. Tells you how well I'm protecting my immune system!!! So yes I've decided that I really need to work on that...Trying to at least keep myself partially healthy.

Other than that, nothing is too new and interesting with myself. I've been home for two days so it has been a nice extended weekend filled with coughing. I planned on studying for exams but when I went out last night, I got so dizzy and car sick it made me realize that in order for me to get much better I need to take it really easy and sleep. So I may try later on but that depends on how I feel. Yah so I've done a lot of talking to my friends and movie watching. Yesterday I saw "One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest" and "Anchorman". The first one was because I missed my anthro class where we were watching it, and I realized how messed up that movie really is...It's good but messed up. And then there was anchorman....Which I was threatened to watch my a few people. So yes I finally did get around to watching it and quite enjoyed it. Nothing SUPER DUPER, NEATO, AMAZING, WONDERFUL or anything...But it was quite good. I'm going to have to say that Brick was my favorite character for the soul purpose that he was so absolutely dumb it was comical. It's one of those movies where you really learn nothing...Crude humor...Somewhat like austin powers...So if you didn't like austin powers, you will have wasted money and time watching Anchorman. I also yesterday, when and had a major melt down yesterday which meant posting some pretty stupid things on here which after Beesley gave me a kick in the pants with a frozen boot, I removed. I don't quite get me sometimes...But I just go into these panic modes and freek out...And just need some tough love to keep me in line. So for everyone who has done that for me thanks so much!

Had a vball tournament on Saturday which went ok...The girls couldn't find one skill in the first few games that they could all succeed at...No offence or anything...But it was brutal...There were moments where no one was talking...And if you know my team that's really not possible! So yes they somewhat got their heads back in action in the last game and in the process Caleigh almost decapitated a girl...! No, but a huge props goes out to Caleigh as she was the only one on the team who had a real solid game and honestly I have never seen her play better! So way to go bud!!! Nope but we decided that there is much to work on, such as defense so you girls better be ready for it!!!!! No too hilarious moments as there really wasn't much talking during the day! Wait no...Magee had some pretty funny lines but hey...lol she is so random we just stop listen after a while!!! Just kidding Magee!!! Anyways Girls, I wont see you on Wednesday as I'm very sick...So we will see you on Monday...Have fun with Bryan!!

I worked on Sunday for the first time in forever...Which was ok...I miss getting the money...However I did not enjoy working...Probably cause I was so sick...And my mom was going to make me miss my staff party to try and find a medi center that was open at 7 pm on a Sunday. And I can tell you don't bother trying ever as there is not one in the unionville/markham area which is. Yah so supposedly I won a gift certificate for being #7 on the sellers list for the months of November and December!!!!!! DAMN RIGHT ONLY GIRL AND ONLY ROOKIE IN TOP TEN!!!!!!!!!! So I was very proud of that! I'm only working once this week which is nice cause I am so sick. So if you need anything from me come in on Friday night!!

Anyways that's all for now...I'm going to be on here for a while today as my couch is my best friend and the computer is right there. Sorry again for everything that I have said and done...People who know will understand this. I know that me being the super duper amazing person that I am will never do it again...Or at least try...And if I do I'm only kidding!!! I love all you guys and miss you all more...Talk to you all soon!!! Until next time...!

...back to it

2005-01-05T14:52:00.000-05:00

Yah so it's now back to the daily grind unfortunatly...honestly it's really not that bad other than it means everyone from university has to go back...which is something that i don't enjoy at all. I guess the reason i find it so hard is that I love them so much and it's just so hard to say goodbye...cause you don't want to. Not even that it's goodbye but it's just so hard once you know how much you miss them. You just gotta keep on keeping...but sometimes it just seems so hard...

...Calm after the Storm

2005-01-03T14:31:00.000-05:00

As of right now...It's 2:36 on Monday, January 3rd...I'm sitting here on my spare at home (thank goodness) thinking about what happened over the last 2 weeks...Cause if you ask me...I need another two weeks of vacation. I was really excited and worried about this vacation for many reasons. And for people who don't know me...There's isn't much that I don't get nervous or worried about so it's not unusual for me. Anyways it was a time when a lot of my friends who I hadn't seen for 2, 4, and 6 months were coming home and I would get the chance to see them. There was a lot of nervousness cause I really built it up...I was really looking forward to it and just wanted it to go well...And then there was the whole aspect of people growing apart over that long...And thinking that I would have changed too much and just on and on. And people ask how I actually was able to sleep at night with all this on my mind...And all I can say is that this is nothing compared to some of the other stuff I have to put up with sometimes. Anyways so the first week was really more just low key...Saw a few friends and it all went really well...Did last minute things for Christmas and we were ready to rock. I had the pleasure of going to church with Elizabeth Beesley on Christmas Eve...Which was nice cause I got to hear here play the piano which I hadn't before...The goofball is at like level 12 billion and she still hates playing basic music which no matter what she says she played amazingly. So then Christmas was awesome as I said before...I got the plane ticket which was the present of a life time for me...I have already started a countdown which although I'm very sad...It's just honestly exciting. I got some other really nice stuff that I needed and wanted...It was just nice to have a break from everything and be able to see my family for more than 5 minutes. And then the second week hit and I honestly still am recovering from it.

Sunday December 26

I had the pleasure of going out with Danny, Stef and Jill...Danny was suppose to come to my party but since I really didn't know who was coming I realized he would be the only guy (or so I thought) and so I decided that it would be best if I did something on a different night with him...And this was it. So the adventure started out at Kelsey's where we had an awesome dinner served by a hung over waiter...which was quite comical as he didn't have a clue what was going on. From there we went bowling where I somehow became ronaldo, stef became the new Nancy, Jill ended up being Bingo, and Danny for some odd reason was Fran. I love Markham Bowl...It's so ghetto and old and I swear we are the people that keep it open as we were there a ton over the break. After bowling we had to drop Jill off to babysit. From there we went back to their house to watch the last episode of Dawson's Creek. The only reason Danny agreed to that was because he wanted to see us cry...Oddly enough I did but he totally missed it. The after that we decided that we wanted to go get dessert so we headed over to McDonald's and we came up with Operation Pylon...lol don't ask and I really can't tell cause we didn't end up doing it but we are going to eventually. After that we decided that we should call it a night...So they dropped me off. It was an awesome night and a great way to start off the week.

Monday December 27

I had some retarded idea that having a birthday party right after Christmas was a good idea. Although it was stressful trying to put it together in the end it actually was ok. I had some of my best friends over and we chilled waiting for 2 people that never showed up. One had a legitimate reason the other one...Well that's a story for another time. Anyways so we chilled and did presents which was awesome and I love everything I got. Then we went skating where I made a totally and utter fool of myself as I really have issues skating on ice that isn't cleaned off...Mary got a good laugh out of that...And then proceed to do what ever was possible to knock me down...Whitney also decided that the ice where no one had skated at all even before us as when she stuck her pick into it...The skate proceeded to go through...And although we told her to get away she continued to go back. So after we threw snowballs and decided that the ice really wasn't all that safe, we were cold and ready to head back. However we met my sister and cousin half way who were sledding down the hill right by the pond...So we decided to try...Whitney found out that when you go fast and hit a root it not only hurts but you go flying too...Me being the bright person that I am follow Whitney to find out the exact same thing...So as I rolled around on the ice Mary and Erin had the bright idea of shoving 2, 18 year olds on to one crazy carpet...They also had the mistake of not watching out for the root...So instead of only one body flying through the air...There was two. So after that we called it quits and headed back to the house for some hot chocolate, food, and the arrival of Rob, Candice and Chris. And then we brought out catch a phrase and my parents said that we were so loud they could barely think. It was great...It was a ton of fun...With a ton of laughs...And great memories that I will remember forever! Thanks to everyone who came...I had a blast and hope you did too...It was great to see you all and the memories will be with me forever!

Tuesday December 28

I was invited to a dinner party which Ms. Beesley was hosting and in all honesty the first time she mentioned it to me...I didn't even think I was invited...So after realizing I was invited...And that I really didn't know anyone who was going...I realized that I was really nervous. I knew that I wanted to go but it was scary. Anyways I made a cake...And went on my way...And honestly I had a blast...I ended up knowing more people than I thought and even the ones that I didn't were so amazingly nice to me. I got to see Amanda which was great...And of course...Beez looked out for me and made sure I was happy...Which was very nice of her. After our very yummy feast...We went sledding behind her house...And once again I was smart enough to take a GT snow racer off a jump in the pitch black and I'm sure you can guess the out come. It was great though...I got to know a lot of people way better, who I only knew by name before. It shows me that when people are nice together it really doesn't matter who you are or where you come from or how old you are or anything...It doesn't matter cause when your nice to each other you can't help but be friends...And I saw that last night. I really can't thank Elizabeth or the rest of the party enough for including me and making me feel wanted like they did!

Wednesday December 29 (MY BIRTHDAY!)

I had the pleasure of spending my evening with my super cool amazing volleyball team from last year. I had a blast and it was great to see everyone who I hadn't seen in such a long time. They are all such amazing girls and they make you feel wanted. We shared some great laughs and memories from last year. Although everyone wasn't there, it was sad not to see them but we still had a great time. We heard some amazing news from Bryan and it was just great to catch up. Then we proceeded to go downstairs and we broke out the kareoke machine...And while doing that we decided that when Bryan's home alone he practices cause honestly he knew every single word. No but we had a blast...It was great to see everyone and just catch up. Then half the team proceeded to take half of the stuff Bryan was going to sell at a garage sale...lol the stuff that some of them left with was pretty funny...But it was a great way to spend my birthday...So I thank everyone who was there for the great time!

Thursday December 30

I was taken to lunch by my buddy Emma which was nice...We hadn't talked for a while so it was great to see her and just chill out. Lunch was great and thanks again for picking it up...lol I was quite spoiled this birthday. Nothing too too interesting at night happened...lol I got to see Mama Mia for the fourth time...lol...the funny thing is...I laugh everytime and it seems to get better everytime...So yah it was a blast...Nothing too adventurous...But fun none the less!

Friday December 31

And this is where it get interesting...So new years...My brilliant friends decided that they wanted to go down town with 40 thousand other people to see bands who no one knew about. So we started our adventure at 5:15 at the GO bus stop where we were put into groups and given everyone's phone number incase we got lost...lol or not...And down to the Marche we went. After joining a line that seemed it would take forever we were pleasantly surprised and decided to split up which meant we were sat fairly fast. So after a great dinner we went to pay...Which was made interesting by the like 23 year old Chinese lady throwing up outside of the restaurant...Luckily enough I didn't see it otherwise I probably would have lost my dinner too. Then we were off to Nathan Phillips Square...we got there about 8:20...the thing didn't start until 9:30 so we got a pretty decent place to stand and as people moved out we moved forward. So finally when the show started we were pretty jammed together...so after glass tiger was pre taped to be shown LIVE on T.V. (which makes no sense to me) all these old people in front of me moved out so we got more space...so i moved in to almost right beside the middle walk way. There was this lady there and her daughter and as i came up she moved her bag so i could no where near her...so there was all this dead space...i didn't really care until her kid started to lie down...YES, LAID DOWN...who is smart enough to bring their 6 year old daughter...well there's 30 000 people pushing and finally i hit the kid...she freeked on me and was like...you guys just barged in here from who the hell knows where and you act like you run the join, i have been here for hours and i want my kid to lie down...so then i was really mad and my friend was standing in front of me and she was hitting the kid too...so when the next performer came out we jumped all over the place and absoultely nailed the kid...so this lady called the cop over and was like these kids are abusing my daughter...the cop took one look at the situation and was like if your kid's tired get her out of here or tell her to stand up. I was like...SCORE!!!!!! So that didn't really please the lady and my friends behind me wanted to know what happened so i turned around and started telling them the story, well she hits me on the shoulder and was like if you have something to say to me say it to my face...so then all my friends just freeked and that really shut her up...after that there was more pushing and shoving and she kept blaming me. I kept putting my hands up in the air and saying that wasn't me...lol she tried once more to try and get the cop to take me away by saying that i was causing emotional abuse towards the two of them...nothing ever really came out of it which was nice. The rest of the night was pretty uneventful...Sandra jumped this really hot guy and he really didn't like that and told me what he thought about the situation which was quite funny...it took us forever to get back out...and then some went back to Danny's to watch Spice World. It was fairly amusing...either way a great New Years!!!!

Yes and somehow with all this happening i was still able to shoot my mouth off and hurt someone who really means a lot to me. So yes although it sounded like i had a blast with the thought that i hurt someone who really deserved nothing of it and who has been there with me through it all, i wasn't the happiest camper at times. Finally when we talked about it and it all got out there i knew i had hurt her and it hurt me even more to know that i had hurt her. One of the things that really closed the conversation when we first talked about it was how she wasn't mad, but she would never forget. I know i didn't sleep that night cause all my brain did was just keep going and going thinking about what went wrong. That i think killed me more... the fact that i had disapointed her and hurt her so much. Finally after a day of just nothing, said something to me that i think really showed me why our friendship ment so much to me...she told me that it was stupid for us to be fighting like this, life is too short and our friendship was just too important to both of us. Not only did that really touch me but i made me realize how lucky i am to have the friends like her. Thanks so much for everything...I'll miss you a ton but i know i will see you sooner than i know!!

Anyways that's about it...i really have nothing else as that is pretty much my life story!!! Anyways hope the week goes well for everyone and talk to you all soon. For those who went back to school...miss you guys all so much already! So until next time!

...All I can do is say sorry...But sometimes even that isn't enough

2005-01-02T06:53:00.000-05:00

Wow...That's pretty much all I can say now...Not only cause I have probably screwed up a friendship as bad as you can but also because it is right now 6:50 and I'm on here after getting only 4 hours of sleep...But in all honesty I deserve it. There is no reason that I shouldn't feel upset after what I did cause honestly it was a personal attack on someone which shouldn't have even been though about...But I did and I took it even further and not only did I hurt my friend but I also ended hurting myself in the process...But right now I'm not too worried about myself.

The reason I did what I did...Well in all honesty I really can't give you a good reason...Cause I spend 5 and a half hours trying to figure out why I had a good reason to do anything that I did and honestly there was nothing so here is the half ass reason why I did it. Over the last little while no matter how happy and excited I seemed I don't think there has ever been a time in my life when I have been more purely terrified about what's going on around me. And some ask why and honestly I'm not too sure...But this is me and I am. I'm afraid I'm not good enough, not cool enough, that I'm going to lose some of the best things that have ever happen to cross my path. And I know it sounds retarded after everything everyone has done and said but the fear is still there...Probably cause I see them every 2,4 and even 6 months for only a few hours. But so does everyone else so why isn't everyone else like this...Well that's a good question too...I think the fact that I wear my heart on my sleeve and love my friend like I do is a good thing and a bad thing at the same time. No matter how much sense it doesn't make, I will still get upset about only seeing my good friend once over the break...I understand it but I wont be happy about it. Cause in all honesty for someone who waits 2,4 and 6 months to see people only seeing them once sucks. They mean so much to me and I want to see them as much as possible...And I know that's not possible and I know that's greedy of me to want but I do...Cause I miss them when they are away...More than anyone would know.

I guess in the end...After 6 hours of contemplating I came up with this. I wrote a blog not long ago...And I was just pissed off at the world for a number of reason...Some of which don't even matter anymore cause a) there's no time left to let them bother me and b) they were just dumb. And during this time of new found emotion and all that fun stuff I realized that I had too much just built up and I needed to get some of it out...Why I chose on someone else I don't know and I don't think I ever will...But I hate hurting the people who are close to me, and I me hate, so that shows me how much pain I was in. So I decided that if I could take it out on a friend that it would help...That if I could see someone close to me hurt...That it would take some of the hurt off of me or at least take my mind off of it. And not only did that not work...I hurt myself more...But I hurt one of by best friends. Which just sucks even more...Cause without my friends I know I have very little. And as I was lying in bed last night I was trying to figure out what I could say or do to help the pain she must be feeling...But I can't I've done too much as it is. So I decided to do this.

The conversation we had made me realize what I had done...And the email I sent was trying to help it...Or at least trying to get a response from you to try and figure out where you stood on everything...And I know I really don't deserve much right now but let me say this. New years is a time to reflect on everything that has happened...And for me that was a lot. And as I sat reflecting last night I realized that it was about a year ago this time that I really got to know you and it was about a year ago this time that I really began to get better. You have done so much for me...More than anyone else knows or needs to know. Everything that you said to me was right and I can't take back anything I said cause that's in the past but I can do this. Your friendship...No matter what it seems...Is one of the most important things in my life. And more importantly you are one of the most important people in my life and I know if someone would have done what I did to you I probably would have killed them. So why should you even consider forgiving me...I guess the only reason that I could come up with is that I wouldn't have lost the sleep I did on just anyone. I need to be pretty upset to lose that much sleep...And I don't think I have done that for about a year...Right when I was in the thick of everything. You need to know that I am so sorry for any pain that I caused you. I hate the thought of me upsetting you and I know I did it cause I don't think I have ever seen you that upset before and I could tell it was legitimate. What this proves is nothing...nothing at all. The bottom line, I hurt you and I really can't do anything else but just hope and pray that you will understand. Cause in all honesty I don't want to and I don't think i could lose you as a friend.

"Cause I never saw blue like that before
Across the sky
Around the world
You've given me all you have and more
And no one else has ever shown me how
To see the world the way I see it now
Oh, I, I never saw blue like that before"

And that really sums it up...The only thing I can say now is...Sorry

...a new year

2005-01-01T13:08:00.000-05:00

Wow it went fast...it feels just like yesterday that 2004 started and now we are just beginning 2005. Scary to think of how fast time flies...but im not going to lie the last year has been pretty special for me and I've had a lot of great things happen for and to me. It's hard to believe that year is over and if i could i would go back and re-live it for sure...but not for the obvious reason. I wouldn't change anything cause last year was the first year that i was really happy for myself...not living my life for other people but for myself. Yes i did struggle and yes i did have to go backwards before i went forwards but in the end it paid off. I ended up with some of the best friends i have ever had and i have memories that will last me a life time. I grew as a person and i learned a lot about life in general. So to all those people who i met, got to know better, i just had the pleasure of spending time with...Thank you cause you are the ones that really made last year so much more enjoyable!!!

...it just hurts

2004-12-28T16:33:00.000-05:00

It's one of those things that i just don't understand with me and never have...like its been a great break with presents friends and just great times...all these people who i never get to see are home and i'm seeing them and it's really been so great...i love them so much and it just makes me feel so great. It's hard tho...cause it's like the title of the last dawson's creek episode..."All good things...must come to an end"...or something like that. I know that i have to say goodbye to half of these people either by the end of this week or just after...and honestly i don't want to. It hurts way too much and i've already done it once. Some of these people know me inside out and backwards and i know that there is really no one else that knows me like that.

And this is where it get complicated...see I am who i am and thats never going to change so no matter how much you tell me to get over it or look at the positive side of something or whatever other good advice you are looking to give me...sometimes i just wont listen cause thats who i am and sorry to say goodbye to all of my friends and go back to school really doesn't have too much good in it... At least not that i see. The other thing that really bothers me is when people who have gone through rough stuff in their life and have done some of the same stuff that i am doing now and know whats it like, telling me the same things that every other happy person who has the perfect life tells me. Like you know what it's like and yes it seems that i have the same problem over and over and over but i guess i come to you cause i know you wont tell me its nothing and that if i do this it will all be ok...cause sometimes it just wont.

I guess it's hard for me to accept everyone leaving and me moving on and everything being ok cause honestly...the last thing that i want to do is say goodbye and move on. I honestly, right now more than ever feel like i have a chance at losing all my friends so fast. Like all they keep telling me is that they are just going away and that things will be the same. But they wont...people grow up and grow apart. And i have seen it in so many ways over the break...not so much with friends but even family. It's a scary part of life especailly when your me and friends at school don't come all that easily. The worst is especially when you find out a group of people who you thought were your friends go and do stuff without you and still tell you about it...I sit there and take it as if it's nothing but it does hurt and not everyone realize that. Honestly i will do pretty much anything cause i know that i can't do it all...but sometimes it just gets to be a little much...and that is where i am right now.

I do and say most things in my life to get a point across and the odd time i will do something to get attention. Well this is one of those times. There is nothing more that i would like to do than sit down for 3 and 4 hours with each friend and really spend qualitly time with them...but i know that's not possible. So when i make comments or say things about seeing you guys it's cause i want to...and i will understand if you can't but it will not stop my feelings in anyway. I can be annoying and overwhelming but thats me and i have always been like that and thats not going to change any time soon. But it's only because i love and miss you guys so much. You have all done so much for me and i could never thank you enough for that. But it's hard cause you have all done so much for yourselves in the first term and i feel like im stuck in highschool hell. I guess it hard to convince myself that you all miss me when i never really hear it from all of you all that much. And thats why i don't call some of you or email or talk to tell you stuff. Cause i get the feeling that you have moved on in your life and you just don't have time for the people you have left behind.

...CHRISTMAS!!!!!

2004-12-26T13:54:00.000-05:00

There are no words to describe how much i love my present from my parents...although they are being really stupid at the moment...i still can't thank them enough for my present! I was insistant to get out to Nova Scotia to see Elizabeth... i was going to have to pay for it but i also asked for it for christmas. My parents made it pretty clear to me that i wasn't getting it for the fact that it was very expensive and the fact that my friend Elizabeth was being polite and actually didn't want me to come. But I insisted and pushed and pushed some more and it worked! So now i have the pleasure of spending my March break in Nova Scotia in the company of my wonderful friend Beez! So from the 16th to the 20th I will get to get away from it all...AND I COULDN'T BE MORE PUMPED!!!!!! Oddly enough it is excatlly 80 days from now...wow it seems like a long ways away...but it's worth the wait.

As for the rest of my Christmas...interesting...i got a lot of interesting presents in all honesty...a lot of them that i didn't understand or get cause they aren't me at all. And then i realized it was all coming from people i know in Alberta...Family mainly. It kinda scared me cause it showed how much i don't know the people i left and they really don't know me...no ones fault really but it's scary. When you grow up always seeing your family and being really close it's weird not knowing anything about them and seeing them once a year. It's a factor of life...and although it does suck there's not much you can do but enjoy the time you do have with them.

Not too much else is going on this week...OR NOT!!!! Yes, I am turning 17 this week!!!!!!!!! It's somewhat scary...but I'm excited...I got a party going on the 27th, 28th and 29th, I'm going to see Mama Mia on the 30th and then the plans for New Years are still up in the air. No but i'm really excited about my Birthday...it's hard with it being so close to christmas but it's really cool in the same way. I'm really pumped about the 27th...I get to finally have somewhat of a birthday party. It was going to be a real on but unfortunatly due to the time of year a lot of people couldn't make it...so now there are no guys coming but the people that are, are the ones that i would have hoped could have come. So even without boys im sure we will have a blast! Then i have a DINNER party on the 28th...which im very nervous about...i don't know too many people and they are all older...so we will see how it goes! And then on my BIRTHDAY day i have to work!!!! Woo Hoo...or not...and then i have a volleyball party with all the girls from last year which im pretty pumped about! Not to mention my cousin and Grandma are flying in today...so it's an action packed week for me!

Um that's really all for now...my sister got me the 4th season of Dawson's Creek so i've been pretty addicted to it but hey it's vacation so im allowed to be! As that is all interesting in my life...I'm off...so until next time!

...SO EXCITED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2004-12-20T21:32:00.000-05:00

So yes... I had a very exciting day...as i found out that i now get to go to my wonderful friend Elizabeth's house for dinner tomorrow night...and that i can have a party on the 27th...!!!!!!! YAH GOOD DAY FOR SAM!!!!! And i got out of work tomorrow in the process so its party for Sam tomorrow...the fact that im sick isn't wonderful but the fact that i get to see someone as cool and special as Beez really does help it all!!!!! Thats all for now!!!!!

P.S. LOUISE IS A POWER HITTER!!!!!!!!!!! AND I LOVE HER A LOT...LOL MORE THAN HYDRO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

...tired of it all

2004-12-20T09:05:00.000-05:00

Honestly i don't get this at all...I'm tired of being so worried and stressed out about my friends coming home...like last night i didn't sleep...I tossed and turned to death...I had nightmares everytime i fell back to sleep...and now once again I'm up at 9 am for no reason! I'm worried about what happened between Amanda Weber and myself...I'm worried to see Beez...I'm just stressed out about something i shouldn't be and it's driving me nuts...if anyone knows any of these people or you know you are one of those people coming home...just give me a shout cause Amanda knows how weird i can get...I'm sorry for anyone I've hurt and talk to you all soon...

...LALALALALALA!

2004-12-19T11:30:00.000-05:00

Yah so thats the name of my blog cause i couldn't come up with anything else interesting....lol....I know i just posted but i have an hour and a half before i go to work to kill so instead of doing something educational like reading a book...or practicing my bass clarinet...i decided to read my old blogs...and i have decided that no matter how much that was a painful time for me and how much i don't want to go back there i think it was good...cause i think it really showed me a lot of things...and two main ones. After reading them i really discovered how unhappy i was for that period of time...cause i was but when you have never gone through it before you really don't know...its all so new and random and just a miserable time in your life there is no point in trying to figure it out...cause it doesn't work. But comes with that, at least for me, so much love and support from people who have been so amazing since they stepped into my life to this moment now. They tried everything to help me and they were always there. And i guess that led to me realizing what my weird mood towards friends has been lately and since they left. I was honestly sick...like i was not doing well on my own and then my friends stepped in and slowly but surely i have improved so much to the point where i am in control of everything and i only have slight lapses when im not careful. I guess what has and still does scare me is the fact that now that im better my friends who were there will decided that they don't want to be as close or don't want to be as involved in my life anymore. And it is there choice so i can't really make any difference in that situation...but i guess my plead is the fact that you all have been so amazing and i don't want to grow apart from any of you...i just want to have a friendship now where we can laugh and cry and talk about boys together...lol...not messed up stuff like i was going through. Friends to me are one of the most important things in my life hands down... and to think that i would lose them after everything they have done for me really scares me. So if right now i seem overwhelming or in your face or whatever I'm very sorry...but its cause the excitment in me right now is so unbelieveable...like i get to see people who i haven't seen for months who i would talk to everyday last year. Goodness Mary came into work yesterday and i started to cry! GOODNESS...it was MARY!!! LOL just joking mary...you know i love you...and its just the same with everyone else...so please just keep in contact with me while you are home...cause you really have no idea how much it means to me and helps me convince myself that you guys are my friends.

And yes since i just posted...i have nothing else to say...plain and simple...i have nothing interesting in my life other than work...and the fact that people are home but i can't even SEE THEM cause i work soooo much! Stupid work...anyways im only there for like 7 hours tonight so it shall be fairly painless! Beez...if you read this over the next few days give me a call when you are free and i will drop your yearbook by!!! And to see you of course...and anyone else who is home who i don't know about let me know...cause i want to see all of you wonderful people!!! Until we meet again...!

...OH MY WORD!!!!!!!

2004-12-18T09:28:00.000-05:00

OH MY WORD...OH MY WORD...OH MY WORD!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SHE'S COMING HOME!!!!!!! AND SCHOOL IS OVER FOR TWO WEEKS!!!!!!!! I honestly don't think i could be more excited...other than i do have to work today and tomorrow and a few days next week...BLLLLAAAAHHH!!!! Yah so i tried to blog the other day and then forgot to add something so i went to edit and all it did was delete the whole thing...I was not too happy about that! So now it looks like i haven't posted in a while when that really isn't true at all! So now you get quite a bit in this one cause i don't know when the next time i will be able to blog will be...with everyone COMING HOME!!!!!!

Yes so i was suppose to have a pretty wonderful Thursday which was still pretty good but at the time i made it not so good for myself. I had a friend coming to school who i hadn't seen for 6 months and i was beyond excited...like there are no words that could explain the amount of just energy flying through me that morning...i knew she was coming and i was going to get my hug that i have waited so long to get! Yah and then i saw her in the cafe and i freeked...i started to shake like mad...i was nervous beyond believe...i was afraid that i was different and she wouldn't like me or whatever for who i was now...i was afraid that she was expecting the Sam that she had left...and wouldn't like the person who i am now. She came out and gave me the biggest hug in the world...like it was so tight and so long...i was so happy cause i knew she was the same person and she still loved me. It's one of those feelings that you don't understand if you are confident with yourself cause you know people who like you for who you are and if not too bad...yah not so much me. And so we hugged and talked for a bit and then this is where i became stupid. I don't know where i got the idea that she would be able to spend time with me...cause she hadn't seen a ton of people for 5 and 6 months and this was her second day back home...so yah i got all upset cause a) i was tired and b) emotional and c) jealous...all stupid reasons but hey its me. Yah so we walked around for a bit and then i got scared cause i was talking to my friend about something and they just kinda carried on walking without interupting which makes sense. So when i turned around i thought they were ditching me, which wasn't the case at all...by that time i was so tired and emotional i just started to lose it...i went and just walked around and around the school cause i didn't want to think and i didn't want to hurt or anything like it was just the most unbearable feeling...and i hated the way i was acting but i didn't know how to stop it...and finally i got some sense back into me and decided to find her...so i did and she gave me another hug...but through out the rest of the time i saw her i just did dumb little things that are so not me at all...and it just bother me that i continued on doing them...goodness sometime i just hate myself...cause i knew i could have stopped but i was just so scared. I love her soo much and she is so important to me and she has helped me through so much...So if she reads this...or someone reads this and knows who it is pass it on. I did it cause i was jealous and tired and emotional and above everything else scared and stupid. You have been so good to me and you put up with some pretty stupid stuff from me the first day you got back. I want to start over...i want to be able to see you and have that pure joy and excitment and overwhelming wonderful good emotion and not have the rest of the stupid stuff...so for everything else you put up with thanks...and i can't wait to see you sometime this week...to really say sorry and to just start over...with that hug which no one else has!

So now that that is out of my system we can move on...friday last day of school...nothing too interesting happened...Went to school just talked with a lot of the teachers and just saw a lot of people i normally wouldn't see over the break. It was good...i got cake from Ms. Chow in return her and Ms. Rossale just totally put it to me with the shots...but it was good...I got to listen to Mr. Howard sing which is always really good. LOL and just before i left...I went to see Howard to wish him a happy holidays and there were these girls there...when i went up they were trying to get a hug and he wouldn't let them so they had to settle for a handshake. So i evadentally stuck out my hand after i had wished him everything and he grabbed it and pulled me into a big hug with those girls standing right there...OH MY WORD...if looks could kill! Yah so that really made my day...! And then we had the music council social which was interesting as always....we went skating and honestly i was more excited to get out skating than anything...i love the feeling and as i took my first few steps i realized how much i have missed it. Nope but it was good...the feet were a little sore after but i was happy...and then we went over to the Whittamore's to eat...and we watch T.V. and did the present game...after that nothing really too interesting was happening and so me and Cameron called Andrew and he came to get us!!! He also brought two of the Kavanagh's. So after leaving we went bowling which is a pastime of ours which we love...I won a game which i was very proud of and that was good and then we went to shoeless joes where we all ate way too much food we didn't need and then we went to Danny's house as Stef needed a new shirt as she had ketchup on it and that was bothering her like no other...and then we went to Mackendrick's where doug was having a party...i got to see little Weber which is always great...we played pinball and played with the many perment markers and scene it...and then everyone when home very tired...but happy! So yes that was my amazing night out!

I need to appologize to my vball girls as i didn't come to practice on Wednesday when i told them i was...something came up at the last minute and i was going to see my cousins i hadn't seen in a really long time from vancouver and so i decided that i would either cancel it or have Bruce run it...and Bruce was pleased to so that worked out great for me...although i still felt really bad...So i hope the practice went ok and it wasn't too hard...Louise i owe you chocolate...and i will give you this to make you happy...Louise you are a POWER HITTER!!!!! I will miss all you guys over the break and thanks for an amazing first half of the year...I have had a blast and you have all taught me soo much...have an amazing christmas and i will see you in the new year!

OHHHHHHHHHHHHH...guess what guess what...I TURN 17 IN 11 DAYS...AHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!! Honestly it's so weird to think that i will be 17...not so much me...but everyone and everything around me...like next year i will be graduating and my little sister who's not so little anymore is turning 15 right away...its really weird! I'm still working on the party...everyone is so busy and stressed out around this time its really hard to find a date that will work with everyone...and its so important to have as many people as possible come out cause they have all been so amazing to me and continue on being that way. So i wanted to have everyone there...thats not going to be possible but im going to try...knowing my luck i wont end up having a party at all...lol! Nope but hopefully i will get to do something with everyone at one point and the other thing is I DON'T WANT PRESENTS!!!!! My present is being able to spend time with all of you!

Anyways im still tired and i have to work in an hour and a half so ive decided that im going to nap cause i really have nothing better to do lol...CAUSE SCHOOL IS OUT FOR CHRISTMAS!!!! Hope everyone had a good last week and to all my university friend...i hope that your last few exams go well and i can't wait to see you all!!! Until we meet again...!

BEEZ ONE MORE DAY!!!!!!!! I CAN'T BELIEVE IT!!!!!!!!!!! I'M SO EXCITED!!!!!!!!!!

...time

2004-12-16T14:52:00.000-05:00

Time
Time, where did you go Why did you leave me here alone Wait, don’t go so fast I’m missing the moments as they pass
Now I’ve looked in the mirror And the world’s getting clearer So wait for me This time
I’m down, I’m down on my knees I’m begging for all your sympathy But you (I’m just an illusion) You don’t seem to care (I wish that I could) You humble people everywhere (I don’t mean to hurt you)
Now I’ve looked in the mirror And the world’s getting clearer I’ll take what you give me Please know that I’m learning So wait for me This time
I should’ve known better I shouldn’t have wasted those days And afternoons and mornings I threw them all away
Now, this is my time And I’m gonna make this moment mine (I shouldn’t have wasted those days)
I’ll take what you give me Please know that I’m learning I’ve looked in the mirror My world’s getting clearer So wait for me This time This time

...almost there

2004-12-11T21:36:00.000-05:00

Thank goodness there is only one week of school left before the break...cause in all honestly im having trouble convincing myself that i will actually be able to survive even a week. The only reason i think i can survive the week is cause i have friends comming in and out through out the week from university. I have one really special friend comming in on the Thursday which is totally keeping me going....I haven't seen her in 6 months...it has sucked...and we have kept in touch and now finally after so long i get to get that hug that i have been waiting for...for so long. Another really special friend comes home a week tomorrow...lol...if i last that long i know once i see her i will just lose it...actually i may lose it on a lot of people just cause it is the greatest feeling to know that people who care so much about you are comming home and you get to see them. Honestly no matter how bad things are when i think about that...it doesn't matter cause i know that it's closer than ever and im more excited than i think anyone knows.

Nothing else is really new...im hanging on by a thread right now...which sucks. I'm working way too much and i just have way too much on my plate...it's like even when i want to take a breath i can't cause im always going. Blaaaaahhh is all i have to say. Although i'm working a lot...somehow i have like a total of 3 dollars in my account...probably from the amount of christmas and birthday presents that i have bought...it goes fast when you are buying for people you love...and its not like im spending a lot...i guess i just have a lot of people i love. And i swear if anyone gets me anything for my birthday i may scream...lol! By the way speaking of my bday...As of right now...everything just isn't lining up for my party and stuff happened between me and another friend and i decided that i didn't want/deserve a party at that time...since then i have decided other wise but im not too sure whats going to happen with that...i may try to have it on the 23 or the 27 or something...we will have to see!

My mother has been on her monthly rant about how im fat...lol...its now quite comical cause you always know when its comming. I know i shouldn't listen to it but i do and its hard not to...its like she thinks that i don't care about any of it...and thats totally not true...yah i don't have the lightest figure but i grew up thinking that what was on the inside was the most important...so yah last week wasn't all that fun because of that and it has somewhat died down since then which is nice...but its always there...

Concert went really well...long nights but well worth it...It was really weird to think that we are in wind symphony now...like me an actual musician...lol i think not...goodness i have trouble with spelling the word. I discovered however how much i love the music...all of it...like i got to do the slide show for the grade 10's and i was on stage...and it wasn't even my music and i just loved it as much...its weird...i would have never thought that i would have loved music this much but i do.

Volleyball is getting ready to wrap up for christmas...lol...man it has been an amazing first part of the year...Although i do love coaching i find that i really miss playing so much...its now such a big part of my life...i just love the game. I really haven't figured out how to post pictures yet ladies so once i do then i will let you know...until then...Supposidly Louise is my idol and Caleigh is my knight in shining armour...im still trying to figure out why they like me so much...goodness its me.

I felt so bad on the first night of concert...we had just let the people into the theater and then we were talking in front of the music council display. The last few people were hurrying in and then all of a sudden someone was like, "Hi Sam!" and i was in the middle of another conversation with Cameron Mackendrick, so i looked at them and then totally went blank. So as i stood there i managed to say hi and see the tail end of them and then i stood there like a fool trying to figure out who it was. Yes the moron Sam had totally ignored her Ex - boyfriend's parents...yah so i felt like a complete ass...so i found them and finally got to get more than three words out and not have a dumb look on my face. Then when i did finally talk to Mrs. Kavanagh she told me about how Jill had told them all this stuff about me and i was like...wow i feel like a real loser after i that.

Anyways not too much else is new...SO EXCITED FOR PEOPLE COMMING HOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMEEEEEEE!!!!!!!! YAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! No more being upset and missing hugs cause if i am they will be right there...or pretty darn close!!! Anyways im out for now!!! CAN'T WAIT!!!!!!

...all better

2004-12-06T15:30:00.000-05:00

2004-12-05T09:59:00.000-05:00

It's really weird...like no matter how many times you tell me and how hard you try and convince me...im still scared and nervous. About anything...not even just seeing you. I don't want to pressure you and i don't want to scare you off...and most of all i don't want to hurt myself. I don't want to do something to drive you away and ruin this friendship that has been so great from the beginning...cause i know if i did that...wow... And a lot of you may not get why these people mean so much to me...and in this particular situation this one person...and they might not even get why it upsets me and freeks me out...and i know i run the risk of losing them by just doing this...but i can't help it...thats me. It's like i have never been too good at keeping really good friends...i either moved or just have not really fit in anywhere properly...and last year when i was going through the low of the low for me...i didn't have much of a choice cause i knew that if i didn't look for help or reach out for someone's hand to told...i would still be there today. And so i did...i took the risk...and met some of my closest and best friends that i have ever had. So when i talk about how much i miss then and such...its the truth cause its been weird without them this year. So know that im not some freeky stocker or anything...more just someone who misses their friends more than anyone really knows. So if i have done something stupid or whatever...I'm sorry cause that would be the last thing i would ever want to do...

"I'm so tired of being here,

Suppressed by all of my childish fears...

These wounds won't seem to heal,

This pain is just too real,

There's just too much that time cannot erase..."

You have been in the same shoes...and so far you have been more than amazing...you said that the phone was always there for a vent...and i have used it...but now im afraid that i have used it too much...i miss those Monday night phone calls...

...HURRICANE!!!!

2004-12-04T22:18:00.000-05:00

Yes so i have the pleasure of coaching this volleyball team of 11 amazing girls. It's pretty crazy how much i have fun with these girls and how much i learn from them...i don't think they realize how much they teach me even when they push me to my limit...and trust me they have. It's a time when i don't have to be mature and i don't have to be cool...I can be myself and hopefully help these girls learn a little bit more about the game of volleyball, life, and themselves. Anyways I promised one of them that i would put some classic moments from tournaments and such on here...so here you go girls...enjoy!!!

"Sam, you dated HYDRO...who the hell is HYDRO...you know Caleb...how do you get HYDRO from CALEB and I told you no i didn't...well he told us that is name was PEDRO...HUH?!?! His name isn't PEDRO...yah well don't believe him...and I still have not gone out with him...well Bryan said that it was HOT AND HEAVY..."

"Sam, I hate playing middle...Louise, are our best middle...yah but i can't play it...ok, i'm confused you blocked like mad and can pound the ball...yah but i just can't...shut up Louise...whatever Caleb-Lover...SHUT UP LOUISE"

"Sam, Olga, what the hell are you two doing...nothing *as they roll around on the floor clawing at each other*...stop beating each other up...many random screams...Sam stop bitting Olga and Olga stop kicking Sam...more random screams...ok thats enough both of you in the equipment room for a time out and sort this out...more yelling...Don't make me come in there...more screaming and yelling...ok now i feel like im dealing with a kindergarden class..."

"Hey Lisa who's Dad & brother is that...ohh i think its Jacqui's...ooohh ok...(time passes)...uhhh Lisa...um im thinking there really not brother and sister...either that or they are really close...what are you talking about Sam...well they are holding hands...and i know if it was my brother that would be the last thing i would want to do...ohhh yah your right...maybe its not her brother...well we will find out if they kiss...eeeeewww dirty though as i still think its her brother!!!!!..."

"HAHAHAHA Olga bought her jacket at price chopper...shut up Sam no i didn't...HAHAHAHA Olga bought her jacket at price chopper...shut up Sam i bought it from price club...HAHAHAHAHA Olga bought her jacket from price chopper....SHUT UP SAM!!! Note: since then Olga has yet to wear that jacket to volleyball again..."

"Lisa what are you doing...trying to make an 18 out of 14, but i need more black tape to define the 8...well that's a waste of time...why i think it will work well...yah but its still a waste of time...ok if your so smart what will save us time...well there's no 10 on the team just fill the whole thing in...oh well yah well i never thought of that..."

"Practice starts 8:00 I tell the girls to set up the nets...Olga and Sam start fighting...Sam the nets are broken, they wont go up...what do you mean they wont go up...they just wont *as they point to the sagging net which isn't even a real height...well then flip it around...8:15 pm...Sam the net is still broken...well then flip it again, OLGA, SAM will you two knock it off...8:30...SAM, THE NET IS STILL BROKEN...FINE, I WILL HELP...8:45...I swear we are the only team in this club that can put the net up in every wrong position before we actually get it right...and now we only have an hour left for practice...goodness im a sad coach..."

"If you would move your feet on the court like you do when your off the court dancing you would dig more balls then ever"

"Flow, feel the flow...followed by Olga making some random gestures supposidly having to do with flowing."

"AND FOR THE LAST TIME I NEVER DATED CALEB/PEDRO/HYDRO!!!!!!!!"

Wow...we have had some really crazy amazing times...and think we have only had 2 tournaments...its going to be crazy for the rest of the year..!! So to all of you guys thanks for such an amazing first half of the year...you are all great and i can't wait for the memories to come!!!

...scared for no reason

2004-12-04T07:43:00.000-05:00

Goodness sometimes i just don't get myself...right now it is 7:45 am and I'm up for one and only one reason. And this time i wish it was work but it's not. I think the one of the most scariest things in life are nightmares...and for me i don't get the usual nightmares...my brain really likes to screw me up and freek me out. So last night was the ever so popular topic of all my amazing friends comming home...and for a lot of you that don't know i have decided over the last little while that my nerves that i have been noticing are because all of you are comming home...HOW DOES THAT MAKE SENSE!!!!!! I have some of my closest friends comming home and i'm freeking out...but getting back to my dream...Yah so it started off that i was with Beesley...but she really somewhat ignored me the entire time and talked to someone else i didn't know/see...and then we went some random park to meet Weber and we saw her and someone else and i got my hug and then they all ran off...and so i went and found some random swing set and decided to sit there hoping they would come back...oh yes they definatly didn't!!!! So as i sat there...Mary and Emily and that whole group walked by so i called them and they looked at me and then looked away and kept going...And that was my dream...i guess it was a lot shorter than it seemed and most likely it doesn't sound as horrible as i found it...but it was to the point where i woke up crying...yah did not like that at all. And so after i finally calmed myself down again and i went back to sleep and had another dream...and this one really freeked me out cause i haven't had it in a really long time and the last time i did was when i wasn't doing so well...It was the one where the random guy in black everything goes around killing all the people that mean the most to me...so yes last night although i did get a lot of sleep it was one of the worst nights i have ever had.

But lets move on now as it spooks me out thinking about it...Wow i haven't blogged in quite a while...Thinks have been so crazy lately...I'm totally looking forward to the break!!! I feel bad cause i haven't had the opportunity to talk to my friends who are away as much and i really don't like that...it's weird when you go a long time without talking to someone. But everyone is comming home real soon which is exciting but nerve racking at the same time. I'm nervous i think cause, i've changed and i know that...and i know they have but i think im expecting the same people that left to come home still...i'm not so much worried about people i've talked to but more the ones that ive only talked to on msn or only once or twice on the phone. Even the people who i have seen and talked to a lot i'm still nervous. I've been looking forward to this break for so long for so many different reasons and this is one of the main ones. I don't want to pressure people into seeing me, or comming to my party or whatever...i want them to want to see me cause they honestly do...not cause they feel sorry for me. I know no matter what people say, I'm going to be like this till the very last second before i see them. It's me...and i can guarentee that its not going to change anytime soon.

Since thats not the happiest topic either...we will move on...Went to see Jesus Christ Superstar with Erin the last last thursday...quite interesting to say the least...i guess everyone has their own opinions on it...I though it was really random...like for me as someone to learn the story better...it did nothing but confuse me. I also found a lot of costumes and ways they present characters to be very inaproprete. But hey the music was good...and you only learn from experience...so i wont be going to that again. Then the Friday i went to the Music educators conference to perform with the Wind Symphony...which was a great performance but an interesting adventure leading up to it...lol jodi...

"Sam, where am i...it looks different...Jodi you have just moved on to the express...well i didn't mean to...yah i know that but you did...well how do i get off"

...lol good times and we even made it alive and with tons of time. Then I worked that night which was boring as always...then the Saturday i was up early to trek it out to Barrie for a volleyball tournament...

"Sam, you dated HYDRO...who the hell is HYDRO...you know Caleb...how do you get HYDRO from CALEB and I told you no i didn't...well Bryan said that it was HOT AND HEAVY..."

"Sam, I hate playing middle...Louise, are our best middle...yah but i can't play it...ok, i'm confused you blocked like mad and can pound the ball...yah but i just can't...shut up Louise...whatever Caleb-Lover...SHUT UP LOUISE"

Man, many laughs at that tournament and we even came out of it with a Bronze...which should have been a silver...except stupid peel selects...but we will get them next time!!!! Way to work, ladies, I'm proud of all of you!!!

Then more work...then school...which i don't think anything too interesting happened...I know i talked to Elizabeth during that week but i have no idea what day it was again...I was somewhat a little out of it...but the talk was good...she thought i was crazy to be nervous to see her but hey she knows me too well so she knows that i will be like this until i see her...wow she puts up with a lot when it comes to me...and i can't thank her enough...and yes, Beez, you will have more presents than you know what to do with once you get home...i promise.

I was a bit upset the other day after someone flew off the hook at me and blamed everything on me...and it was actually one of my buddies that i work with who caught me in mid-melt down. And i think she was hurt when i didn't want to talk to her. So here i will explain something to everyone...you have to know that with me...it takes me way too long to get to know someone to truly open up to them and tell them everything...and usually if i do it too soon i get hurt or something gets weird or whatever...thats just me...i have a lot of past and i don't like it. For goodness sakes...look at me and Elizabeth for a second...I knew her from grade nine...she called me every monday night and i saw her at music council and all the music events...and it took me almost till the end of my grade 10 year for me actually to build up enough confidence to actually say more than, hi or thats great i will see you tomorrow morning at 7:00, :15, :30, :45 or whatever. For me now to look back on it i feel really stupid...but hey no matter what the friendship i have with her now is so great and i can't think of anything better to come out of that. Same with Amanda Weber...my grade nine year...i sat with her on the bus to all our football games...both ways...and did i say much more than hi to her no...and i did finally start really telling her stuff in the second last week of her grade 12 year...stupid time...but right now to look at it...it was totally worth it for me...and i would change anything at all. So if you are trying to understand why i wont completely open up or ask you questions about stuff i'm nervous about or whatever, it's not your fault...it's me. So please don't give up with me cause if either Beez or Weber would have i know i wouldn't be where i am today.

This week shall be exciting...We have concert which is always a blast...i love performing...there is just an added passion for the music when you get to perform it for other people...there are no words to really describe the feeling you get. Then the next week is wrap up...people come home...we say goodbye to school friends for the break and the rest is just too exciting to think about...I love christmas...its an amazing time of year...there's just something in the air around christmas time...AND MY BIRTHDAY!!!!!!! That's right Sam is turning 17!!!!!!!! Goodness and my mom is going to let me have a birthday party which is even more exciting as it gives me an excuse to invite so many of my closest friends to come and just chill so i can spend time with them!!! Goodness i've been waiting for this break for so long...i hope it's everything i imagined it to be and more!!!!!

So wow...that was a long blog...but it's updated so i can't get yelled at...yah me!!! Until next time...or until I SEE YOU WONDERFUL PEOPLE!!!!

...drained and a half

2004-11-28T22:31:00.000-05:00

Yes so i honestly didn't think that it was possible to become this run down...like honestly...everything just hurts...like there is no other description...its not possible for me to become anymore out of it or run down than i am at this moment. I was living on 4-5 hours of sleep for too long and it has just caught up with me...and honestly right now im not too sure what im going to do other than just keep going until christmas break...there is no down time between then and now...i honestly think it just picks up from here...anyways i can only say that as i have a to - do list a mile long and it is 20 to 11...

...Sometimes all i want to do is cry...

...wow

2004-11-13T20:59:00.000-05:00

Thing over the last few weeks have been nothing less than insane...there are no other words to explain it...

I went from the music retreat to working 35 hours in a weekend to a volleyball tournament in one weekend. I saw a bunch of people that weekend that are away at university which was nice...the week following was nothing other than just plain bizzare. Stuff at home was horrible...i was in a really weird mood...just not a fun week...I talked to Beez for a really long time on Wednesday night...and i mean long...like 2 hours...well 1 cause the first hour was just me sobbing...but thats a different story. That helped...i was mainly upset cause i thought at that point that i wasn't going to make it to Brock and oddly enough, 3 days later i just have gotten back from Brock. So a very interesting week...isn't my psychologist going to love me on monday!

For me there are no real words to describe my time at brock...like none what so ever...not cause i didn't have a good time...more just because it was so amazing for me in so many ways it's to hard for me to process. For one of the first times this year...hanging out with my friends felt normal. I felt like i was honestly and truely wanted (no matter what i say otherwise Mary) and i felt like i honestly be myself. And everyone there have really busy lifes and had things to do or people to see and to know that they took three hours out of their day to let me come and see what they were up to and just spend time with them was so amazing for me. I have never felt more welcome and wanted...so to all of you wonderful people thank you. You are the ones that allow me to see the light when i honestly think it is no longer there. Even when you don't realize it. There was one friend in particular...nothing against the others at all...but i guess she was the one that i was the most excited to see...i had seen the rest a few times more than i had seen her and i was really looking forward to it. She was/is one of my closest friends and so much has happened over the last little while so it was so great to be able to see her. I really don't think she realizes how much i miss talking to her and seeing her...cause honestly i do. But to be able to see her for the first time in a month and to get the biggest hug in the world was just amazing for me...it made me feel so great. Then i got to see her room...which was also really cool for me...but i guess what really made my day was the fact that there were still picture up of us together and the times we had in the past. I was thinking about it while i was there...its not the fact that im scared that they will make friends there...new one who they become closer to...but more that they will forget the memories that we have and how much they still mean to me. It's different when you don't see someone everyday and also don't talk to as much as you did before. It's much harder to say goodbye. So for all those away...thanks for not forgetting about me cause it means more than you know...

There's not much else that i can say...the actions that i saw today really speak louder than any words that i can say

...do you ever feel

2004-11-03T14:14:00.000-05:00

Do you ever feel like things are just not going your way?
Do you ever feel things will honestly never get better?
That everything you do, no matter how hard you try,
Is just never good enough?
Do you ever just want to disapear,
Cause the world around just seems too much?
Do you ever just want a hug, to talk to some one,
But for some reason you don't know how to ask?
Do you ever just want to cry?

Cause right now...thats all i feel...

...moving faster than the speed of light

2004-10-22T23:01:00.000-04:00

Honestly i really shouldn't be saying this cause i talked to Beez last night on the phone and she was giving me heck for everything that i was involved in...lol...she suckered me into calling her and then we started talking and before i knew it, it sounded like i was talking to my mom about everything that im involved in. Don't worry Beez i know the only reason you do it is cause your worried and you don't want to me lose control...and honestly i love having you there no matter what. And I owe you the end of that phone call cause i didn't have to get off the phone... it was my stupid sister...she was upset with my mom so she was storming around trying to make my life miserable. So for that Ms. Elisabeth, im very sorry and will get back to you asap!

Nothing else is really that new...ive been missing a lot of school and continue on doing so which is never very good but we will see what happens...I've also decided that if i don't start taking it easy i may kill myself with everything that im doing. But i love it all so much it makes my life a lot easier. So its a situation where no matter what i could be in trouble. We will see how things are going and then we can decided from there. I've been in a really weird mood lately...I'm very quite and don't talk much and just keep to myself. I may seem normal at school and any other time but on the inside im hurting for some reason. I wish i did know why this was but i don't. It's like i want to cry so bad about something but i have no idea what. I when i was talking with Elisabeth, there were a lot of things said (nothing bad of course) but it just made me think. And i guess it really got things going in my brain (which is never a good thing) and i just realized something that is happening with me. It's happened before but its so strong right now which makes it so much harder. I hate talking about it to cause i feel like im so weak and that it really shouldn't be me but my friends that feel like this. And i also don't want to talk about it with my friends here cause i don't want to make them feel like they haven't been the amazing friends which they have been. I guess this may be something that will be with me forever and im just going to have to deal with it. I know that this isn't going to make sense to many of you...actually the only person who may get it would be Beez but she probably wont understand my random rant either. So don't worry if you don't understand it cause most wont.

Other than that nothing is really new...i really don't have much of a life because i am so busy with everything else happening in my life right now. The spare time i do have is used trying to recouperate and get my head on straight. So i better be going as i still have much to do...until next time.

...thank you

2004-10-16T22:48:00.002-04:00

Thank You...two very simple words...used so many times in a day, in so many different ways it's really hard to tell anymore what the person means when they say it. To me it's one of the most important words in my vocabulary. This is the word that allows me to express my feelings to people for everything they have done for me... And i think it is because people now use it so loosely...sometimes its hard to get the real effect. So I've decided to take some time and really explain to people how much they mean to me and how much i am thankful to have them in my life.

First off...Jill...lol not too sure what i'm going to write as i just posted a blog saying exactly what i wanted to say here. But i thought i would include you in this list so you really know what you mean to me. Screw the fact that we are two years apart...cause you know what it doesn't matter. What matters is the fact that you treat me with more respect and kindness and love than more than half of the people in my grade. It has been an interesting start to the year and a great friendship was started with it which makes it so much easier. So I'm going to cut this one short cause i really have nothing else to say other than you are the best!!!

Stacy...I've know you for almost three years now and it has been amazing getting to know you and being able to have you as a coach, be on the same team, and now work with you as a fellow coach...even if they are two different teams. You are a person that has never given up on me and i can't thank you enough for that. You have gone through enough yourself and to be able to show me all the love and support that you have is so great. The trip up to the cottage was the highlight of my summer and some of the memories that i have from up there will always be with me! Looking forward to an awesome season!!!

Sarah...the person who was the energy of our team last year...I swear there was no one on our team that didn't like you...how couldn't they!!!! This year instead of growing farther apart because of the distance...we have done the opposite. You have been there whenever i needed to talk and hopefully i was able to do the same for you. You are one of the most understanding and caring people i know and it was a pleasure playing with you last year and even more having you there when i was going through some of the stuff that i have been over the last little while. And i promise you will get your package soon!!!

Amanda Weber...lol you get both names cause i never really call you Amanda...to me you will always be Weber!!! No but honestly bud you have been absolutly amazing...you were always when we were going to school together but we have had the chance to get to know each other more and i know i can trust you with anything and everything!! You have gone through enough on your own and i hope that i have been there and have been as amazing as you have been to me!! I got my goal and it ment the world...You know i'm going to try my hardest to get down there eventually and when i do you better show me a good time...lol for that you know the only thing you have to do is spend time with me...and i will finally get my hug lol!!!

Erin...my fellow quarterback (the better half of last year's team...lol)...what can i say. It's too bad that it took us until we were out of the same school to get as close as we have become and continue to get. You have really have become one of my closest friends and i know i can trust you with a lot of the things that i'm going through. "Watching" (if thats what you want to call it) really showed me how lucky i am to have you as a friend. You were the first one to really help me when i asked for your help with the whole church thing and its something that i constaintly look forward to throughout the week! You are there whenever needed and i can't wait to continue to become closer friends as the years go on!

MAAAARRRYYYY!!! Dude...what can i say...you leave for school and we get so insanely close its awesome!!! I seem to have this pattern with getting to know people really well once they have gone and you are the perfect example. You know me inside and out, backwards and forwards and i don't think there are too many others that could say that they know me that well. Although we are very different we are very similar in many ways too. You have been there since day one not only supporting me, but showing me tough love when i needed the most. Not to mention the shut up's that were always in there as well. You have never given up on me and know how to make a bad day, good and a good day even better. And i will give it to you...you are the best message leaver in the world. I know that i will get to Brock to visit eventually...if you even have an opening in your schedual!!! We will always have our "bets", phone calls and of course how could i forget the text messaging. And i promise you...sooner or later you will m

...like a sister

2004-10-15T17:21:00.000-04:00

Yah so at the beginning of this year i was really worried and skeptical for this year...i had no idea what to expect. It was a big year for change and i honestly didn't think i was ready for it. So as the weeks went on once school had started i knew i would have to make an effort to really almost start over. As many of you know i had the pleasure of going out with Danny Kavanagh for a while last year and i knew that he had sisters. I knew Stef from stuff at school and i had met his parents the night of prom. All of them we're very alike and very nice and so i assumed the same for this mystery sister that i had never met. Because me and Danny are no longer going out i thought it would be really weird for me to go up and introduce myself so i really didn't do anything for the first week or so. Not to mention i really didn't know who she was...lol she looks nothing like the rest of the family so it took me about 2 weeks before i even really knew who she was. So finally once i had figured out who she was and that yes...her real name was Jill...lol...i decided that eventually i would gather up enough confidence to go up to her and introduce myself as her brothers ex-girlfriend. I started helping out with one of the grade 9 gym classes and decided to switch to another one cause it gave me the opportunity to not screw up my spare. So the first time i went into the new gym class i had to go in and change as i had just had gym myself. I went in and the bell rang and all these little grade nines came running in and i went about my business. As most of you know the markham changerooms there is not much room at all so when someone came beside me it really didn't phase me. That was until they asked me if i was Sam. So i turned around and it was none other than Jill Kavanagh...so i was like yes i am Sam. And so the whole awkard first conversation started with the whole "you dated my brother" worked right into it. So i then found out that I was TA'ing in her gym class which i was neat. I swear she must have thought i was insane for the first few times until she realized that, thats who i was and unfortunatly i wasn't going to change. The for some odd reason she really decided that i could possibly someone who was more of a friend that someone who helps with a gym class. Since then i can't even remember the last time i saw her and refered to her in my head as "Danny's Sister"...it's that stupid label people like Jill and my sister have to carry around. She is one kid (sorry bud for calling you a kid...but hey you are to me) that no matter what kind of day that im having she can always put a smile on my face. She's always there for me whether it is to give me a hard time or to give me a hug. She's isn't imbarressed of me...(or so i think)...and it doesn't matter who she is around she will always say something to me. I really don't think she has realized how much she has really done for me. She's the little sister that i have always wanted...mines OK...lol...no but i do look at Jill more as a sister than anything else. I know that no matter what she will always be there for me and i know that it goes the same way. I have really realized over the last few years that at least to me...age doesn't matter. It goes so much farther than that. So to Jill...I just want to thank you for everything you have done, I love you soooo much bud and it's a shame that your loser brother (just kidding Danny) never introduced me to you earlier but hey the best is saved for last!!! I know that this is only the beginning of an awesome friendship and the best is yet to come!!!

...it helps explain it all

2004-10-10T13:39:00.000-04:00

Ok so yes things have no being going all that well over the last little while for me...and i hate the fact that they are such stupid reasons as well. So when i was called up by my good friend this morning to ask me to go to church with her...it was the biggest sigh of relief. I went and it was really interesting cause the whole thing was about a passage about being thankful for people who have been brought into your life...hmm how very ironic. I loved the service cause it was about making sure people know that you are thankful to have them in your life. It was just so ironic cause his whole thing was that no matter what has happened in the past and how much bad went wrong and how much you disliked the person or whatever, there have times when things have been good and the most important part is not to have any negative issues. To make sure that whenever you think about them that you think only of those best times that you have. So i'm sitting there thinking...wow, over the past 2 months all i have been doing with one of my closest friends is just fighting and arguing and trying to figure out what has gone wrong. Yet as i sat there today it didn't matter...it didn't matter because of everything that had been so good before she left. She is one of those people who just give and give and give and i couldn't be more grateful to have her in my life. I've realized that things are changing and things between us will never be the same but i don't want to give up cause she never gave up on me once. It's hard and frusterating but theres nothing you can do...So for that person cause i know you know who you are...Things have sucked between us and the only thing i can say about it is that I've hated every moment of it...you are one of my closest friends and i never want to hurt you...know i'm always here no matter what...thank you for everything you have done...i'm so blessed to have you in my life.

"...I thank my God upon every remembrance of you..."
Philippians 1:1-6

...lost in a nightmare

2004-10-09T19:47:00.000-04:00

I always set myself up to do this...like i have something in my mind and how absolutly amazing its going to be and then it never goes that well and it crushes me cause a few things just didn't work. Not that the week of commencement hasn't been one of my best...cause it has in many ways...i guess it just didn't in the one way that i wanted it to. I'm finally starting to realizes that things will never be the same between me and a lot of people. No matter how close i want to be with them and no matter how hard i try i just can't do it on my own. And no matter what they say about not wanting to hurt me...they would know if they really knew me that the only thing that would truly hurt me is being lied to. There was nothing more that i wanted to do than run up and give you a hug more than once this weekend but thought that i never could. And if you really know me you know that is a task which probably is close to killing me. And if it is to the point where we wont be able to talk anymore or we wont be able to hang out and all that stuff that was so important to me before...i guess it wont upset me but the fact that you told me it would is what will. You know who you are and im not going to try and hide it cause you know me and you know what goes on in my brain...and honestly i knew from the first time that i came to you with a problem and the advice that was given was not what i was use to...almost trying to send me an underlying message. So i guess all i can say now is...sorry for whatever i have done cause honestly there is nothing left to do but say that...i have spent so much time trying to figure out what i have done and if it was me that has changed but now i don't even know anymore...all i have wanted to do is get this friendship at least part way back to where it was but i have no idea what i have to do or not do anymore.

...so excited!!!

2004-10-01T18:35:00.000-04:00

Wow...it feels like tuesday my week has been so busy and so wild...but thank goodness it is FRIDAY!!! Tonight i am going to do absolutly nothing...that is right...NOTHING!!!! And i can tell you i have never been more happy to do just that. I get to slllleeeeeppp!!! Anyways as you can most likely tell...my week ended on a good note. It was a boring yet very exciting week. This was the first week where it really truely hit me that everyone who's gone is really really gone...that when i see them this weekend or next weekend the next time i will see them is at Christmas (except for Mary who through our calculations i wont see till next September...lol just kidding you Mary!!!!). It's weird...but at the same time im really excited to see them...it will be so much fun...like there are no words to describe the feeling a have right now...it will be a great refresher before i see them again or Christmas. Things are finally really good with me and all my friends...im not nervous or afraid cause i know that no matter what ever, nothing is going to happen. Thats just the way it is!!! Thanks Gamble for putting up with me...i know the rest of my friends would have been like "LOSER" and ran the other way looking for somewhere to hide...so for everything thanks!!!! Performed at the Markham Fair...it went ok...it was just kinda disapointing cause it wasn't like i was use to but fun none the less! I'm thinking i get to go to the fair on Saturday night with a bunch of people from last year which is going to be a blast...hoping that the weather holds out for us!!! Other than that nothing much else is new...my life, yet very busy, it's not that interesting at alllll! So until i have something else big and interesting happen in my life I'm out!

...have no idea what to do

2004-09-26T11:32:00.000-04:00

Have you ever done something so much that you hate and you have no idea how to stop it...well thats me right now. I seem to freek out about friends a bit more than is needed and i hate it with a passion. I've realized that its not me wrecking the friendships cause im really not doing anything it's more me worring about me wrecking them that actually does it. It's so frusterating cause it's so hard to explain. Like it's nothing more than i have no confidence in myself. I trust the person more than anything and i know things are changing cause we are farther apart and i know that there is no way that the friendship will ever end if we keep in touch even if it is not as much, cause i know what we have is real and we are connected by the times that we have shared and still are going to. i'm just afriad cause i honestly don't think im good enough...i'm not doing anything interesting or new. I'm still in high school with another year to go till i graduate. it's frusterating cause i don't at all doubt anything or anyone other than myself. I just don't think i'm good enough.

Other than that nothing else is really new...work is going really well...and how could it not be because this is the one place that i don't freek out all the time. Plus the very cute boy does help and the fact that he is really really nice is even better. I've talked with both Beez and Weber quite a bit over the last little while which is so great. Beez has got the web camera so that helps even more. Talking to them so much really makes me realize how anxious i am to see them once they get back. I'm going to just flip out...I told Amanda the other day that i didn't care if i saw her for more than 5 minutes just as long as i got a hug. It's this thing with me...well actually no me and hugs...i guess i look at it as a way to really tell someone how much you care about them or how much you've missed them or how lucky you are to even have them as a friend. But the most important thing for me is the fact that it really represents that they are there for me. And i hate with a passion the people that give like half pats have hugs...like can't you people just hug. Body contact wont kill you lol. No but it's just really important to me to make sure that people know how much they mean to me and how much i care about them. So whenever you need a hug...let me know!

Markham fair is comming up which i'm really excited for...We perform on Friday afternoon for all the old people and the parents and then it's party for the rest of the weekend. From what i know i believe that i'm gonna get together with Erin and others and go sometime while it is on which shall be fun. Laura Merkle is comming home which is awesome eventhough i may not see her lol...no but if i do we would have fun as well. The next next weekend is commencement and Markham Bowl which is going to be even more fun cause almost EVERYONE is comming home! I think i'll really realize how luckly i am when i see them all. I'm still debating whether or not to go to commencement. Like i really really want to but i have the feeling that it's really not a place for me. It's everyone's night and i would just be the tag along as usual (i know im gonna get shit from either Mary or Em for this so to both of you i'm ready...lol). It's hard to say cause my head is saying one thing and my heart another. Mostly likely my heart will win cause im a sucker but you wont know until you either see me there or can't find me. If you know me well enough you probably already know the answer!

Anyways nothing else is new and interesting in my life and if it is then its not that important cause im too lazy to type it on here...so until next time keep in touch and please don't give up on me no matter how stupid i am...i know i can get pretty dumb but i do have my moments where im pretty normal...lol!

...it's been a while!

2004-09-19T19:58:00.000-04:00

Ok so yes school has started and i have become massively busy...why i do not know but i have and it has not left anytime at all to blog or seriously spend time send and writing emails and letters to all my friends who are all over the place...so to all of you i applogize. And one of the only reasons that i am blogging is because Mary has been on my case for the longest time to update it...why i don't know because a) my life isn't that interesting and b) she is one of the people who i talk to the most so she knows whats happening with me. But anyways, Mary this one is for you.

Well i'm just about to start my third week as a grade eleven and i'm still not too sure about it all. Not just the grade 11 part but everything in general. It's been really weird to say the least...i have somehow totally screwed up 3 of the closest friendships that i had left at Markham and for some reason i'm not really upset at all. Its like i know its going to be weird and messed up changing everything, it's not like i was really upset. I guess i found out some stuff that probably made it easier to say goodbye and not want to be their friend again but still. I'm one that clings and saying goodbye is really hard. But when someone tells you that you are a bad person and a bad friend or that they have never really believed that i was trying to get better, then it makes saying goodbye a lot easier. And oddly enough it really hasn't upset me...WOW!!! thats a first....lol! But that is in the past now and honestly im pretty happy at where i am.

I had a pretty awesome weekend this past weekend...eventhough all the plans didn't work (so sorry brock people...:(, i'll get there soon as possible). On Friday night, I had the pleasure of spending some time with my buddy Erin. It was one of those things that just totally sky rocketed my mood. Like to spend time with anyone of my friends from last year was soo amazing. For once i was able to honestly be myself and have a normal conversation without having to worry about who would end up finding out. Nope but we had a really good time and i think she did a lot more for me than she knows...even when all she really did was listen. Most people now just think i complain for fun and that i find problems. To hear someone else wanted to know about what was going on with me and wanted to help me was something that means so much to me i can't even explain it. So yah Friday was a really great start to the weekend. Eventhough i wasn't allowed to go to Brock on Saturday, it was still a pretty good day none the less. One of my closest family friends had called me up and had asked me if i wanted to hang out, so we did. We went out for dinner and then to my ice cream shop where for the first time in the longest time, i actually had to pay for the ice cream. Yes it was discounted but still I HAD TO PAY...COME ON NOW!!!!! lets not bring personal shit into the ice cream store. Nope but we walked and talked and talked some more and by the time we finished we were sooo full it wasn't even funny. After we went to go see Wicker Park, which is the most messed up movie that i have seen in a LONG time...we force more sugar into our systems and made fun of Josh Harknett. All and all a really good night...not to mention when i got home Erin had dropped of her grade 11 bio, physics and math binder...SWEET!!!! And then today i work...which was not as exciting as i would have hoped as someone wasn't there...lol...but i got to play on the moving ladder once we closed so it was worth it...but still if he was there it would have been WAY better...lol...shut up Mary...I DON'T LOVE HIM!!!!

I guess that is all that is anything interesting...volleyball tryouts have started which has been a ton of fun...and side note... the guy who im coaching with is an amatur sport agent and we were talking and his wife is a CPGA pro...They're going to help me try and get a scholarship down to the states if i have any hope...which is really exciting for me. I love the game of golf so much and to become more involved with it would be amazing. But school is going well and oddly enough i was excited to do my first English project. We were given the task of writing an ode. I was having a hard time choosing a topic. The last thing my teacher had said was to write about something that you really care about and that has done a lot for you, make it come from your heart. Well as most of you know, friendship is the one thing that comes from my heart and never stops usually. So i sat down at the computer and within 15 minutes i had produce the best piece of english work i had ever done. I guess I could say that you guys were the reason that i did such and amazing job so this is why my ode is dedicated to my friends.

Ode to Friends

Friendship is a funny word,
It could be used very loosely, almost with no real significance.
Everyone has friends,
But it’s the true friends which are so special.
Who are there for you no matter what.
You tell them everything,
Although they may not give you the answer you want to hear,
It will be the answer that you need to hear.
Through the good times and the bad,
You can laugh with them cry with them,
Have a good time.
You could spend hours doing nothing,
And it could be the best time of your life
They don’t judge you by what you look like or what you wear,
What’s on the inside matters most.
You’re tied together forever by memories, tears, laughs and smiles,
Things may change but the friendship will always live on,
Nothing is forever.
They truly touch your heart.
The strangest yet most wonderful thing in the world.
In the tough times, friends are what hold you together,
They bring you up when all is dark.
The best times in life are spent with friends.
Your friends are your tears, your heart, your soul, your laughter, fun, love and your life.

I guess that closes up everything pretty well...so until next time take it easy...And Mary i hope this meets your standards!!!

...trying to stay strong

2004-08-29T09:48:00.000-04:00

Ok so yes...I'm really not enjoying this last week of summer at all. I'm having to say goodbye to all of the people that have been there for me no matter what over the last half a year. And no matter what you say, it sucks big time. I know it really shouldn't be hurting me as much as it is, because I'm not the one leaving, but the feeling that i have inside of me is one that i really don't ever want to feel again. They all mean so much to me and its like i finally have everything in my life on track, and then i have to say goodbye and it kinda puts me back at square one. And yes Beez, i know that nothing is forever but it goes both ways. No matter how hard we try its never going to be the same and i hate that. I hate the fact that it always happens. When i moved and then finally when i get my feet on solid ground after 6 years, my world is turned upside down again. I honestly wish that i didn't have to show the people i care about so much this side of me. The side that is absolulty a mess that they are leaving...and its not cause there leaving cause i know they have to. But more the fact that im afraid that everything that ive worked so hard for over the last year will be totally lost. Like im going to have to start over and honestly i don't think i can do it. So I'm sorry if i have let you guys down cause you all know thats the last thing that i would ever like to do. I care about all of you soo much and would hate to lose you all together. You know that im always going to be here for all of you and that im never going to lose hope. I love you all and thank you for the best year of my life.

...scared

2004-08-25T18:50:00.000-04:00

Yes so ive taken quite awhile to start writing again but i think i needed a break...my last one wasn't the happiest blog!! Anyways my friend got on my case to write a new one, so Em this one is for you! But you ask why the title of my blog is not the happiest one either...well the fact of the matter is, I'm not scared about anything to do with me more the fact that over the next two weeks i have to say goodbye to some of my best friends which is gonna be brutal to say the least. Right now i'm the happiest i have been in a really long time and a lot of that has to do with my AMAZING friends...so it scares me to think about what might happen once they are gone!! And this is the perfect opportuntity to thank someone who has been absolutly amazing over the last little while on so many levels!! She has been there for me no matter what and has never asked for anything in return. But I think the thing that gets to me the most is the fact that she talks about a lot of things that i know are really hard for her in order to help me. This level of friendship really amazes me and i have no idea how to thank her and i don't think she realizes how much it means to me! And i know that no matter what AIL will always remind me of you...and don't worry you'll still get your letter next week!!! Anyways i better be going as my amazing friend Elisabeth Beesley is comming over and i still reak from helping my neighbour move so Gamble i hope your happy that i finally did it and i will talk to all you folks later!!!!!

...My life in a nutshell

2004-08-18T16:54:00.000-04:00

"The fear of being trapped underwater,
Being able to see what you want or need,
But never being able to get it.
The feeling like everything you have,
Is a mirage.
You can see it, almost feel it,
You could swear it was there,
But at the very last moment it's gone,
Often times right when you needed it the most...

My life's nutshell that no one knows about,
A fraud, a fake, an imposter, a cover
...a fear.
Wanting the feeling of being loved,
The feeling of being wanted.
Not wanting to be different,
Younger, not good enough, not looking the right way,
Doing things too much or not enough...
Wanting to stop more than anything
But just can't...

Wishing the belief could be there,
In what people say and do,
But the fear remains...
Getting hurt or losing everything,
Being told one thing again,
And again, and again, and again,
Yet still the fear...the past,
Which will never go away.

Wanting to be ok,
Most of the time pretending,
But still with more questions to be asked,
More answers needed, more issues,
That no one knows about...

Wanting to get better,
But feeling as if everything is just too far away,
Friendships hurt, wasted, wrecked, all my fault.
Feeling helpless, stupid, a complainer,
A bad friend...one that people are tired of.

Wishing to get better, knowing there is much worse,
Embaressed that this is the road block, that this is the issue...
Hoping that it will get better, but fearing it wont...
The fear that has been there since the beginning,
and has only grown stronger.
The fear that has seen the best and the worst,
The fear that no one will ever like me for who I am.

Understanding that people get tired, run out of sympathy,
For someone who just doesn't get better.
But if you could see it from that persons view,
You would realize that the feelings that they have for these people,
Are bigger and stronger and more than anything genuine.
Wishing that they could give you more, be a better friend.
Wish that they could take back some of the things that they have said or done.
Wishing that they could just be normal.
After asking for help for so long, you get scared,
You stop because your afraid that they will stop.
That they wont like you if you ask for help, again.
And again, and again, and again.
Fear of becomming too much, scaring you off,
Losing the friendship that means so much, and often times,
The only thing that will get them through."

This is what has been going through my brain for the longest time and i have never really been able to get it out because of the "fear". I'm sure that it doesn't come as a suprise to a lot of you that when i said i was "better" it was a bit off. For me when he told me that i thought i was completely better ignoring the fact that he told me that there would be times in the months comming up where you would have real trouble with it because you have changed so much and your not use to troubled times in your new mind frame. So in other words he said that there would be periods of time where i would be thrown right back into the world of depression...i might stay and i might not but it scares the hell out of me either way. I feel so alone right now and im freeked out that im not going to get out of this and only get worse. I told everyone that i was better cause i was tired of telling everyone i wasn't and im sure everyone was tired of hearing it. God, I was... and I wanted to make sure that everyone knew what they had done for me helped to get somewhere. I'm sorry if i have let anyone down cause you know how much i hate doing that. I guess ive really screwed up some friendships in the progress and i wish that i could change them but i can't...it was my own stupidtity. So in other words we have come to the conclusion that im still very, very helpless and the fact that i've had and i'm losing a bunch of good friends is killing me. But hey thats life and life will go on. But make sure you let me know so i don't screw up a friendship that is still somewhat in one piece, cause ive been really good at that lately. So i guess in conclusion...you could say that I'm very much in over my head and i'm too chicken shit to ask for any help or go see anyone for help. I feel like i have used up my time with my friends. I have such amazing friends and i wish that i could be a better friend towards them. So to all of you...I'm sorry....

...New Job

2004-08-16T21:20:00.000-04:00

Ok so my goal of the summer was to find a new job...which has happened oddly enough at the end of the summer but hey sometimes things work out that way. Anyways i went into National Sport today for orientation...well after reading through like a billion different manuals and signing stuff and walk through's and everything, not only did they have me half asleep but they also had me on edge. So then finally after 3 hours of all that crap we find out our hours for this week, and when i first applied i was told that i would have approximately 1-2 shifts in the week and one on the weekend. Well i got my shifts and found out that i was working tuesday, thursday, friday and saturday...but remember i started today which means that my first day is tomorrow. So in other words im in complete panic especially cause i can barely still talk and i get dizzy really easy. So it shall be fun...no but im looking forward to it.

Ok so i have another bitch session to preform cause you know i really haven't done one of those in a while....(HA!). Anyways its basiclly the same thing that i have been saying for the longest time but if you know me well enough you know that i can be either to stupid to realize something or just ignore it and hope that it goes away. Anyways i think my biggest pet peeve in life are people that lie. Especially people that say that it so important for them to have total trust and the ability to confide in someone without being afraid its not the truth. And honestly i agree i hate being lied to, but its not as if im going to say that i have never been lied to before or the fact that i have never lied, cause i have. I hate it everytime that i do but honestly sometimes that all you can do. And sometimes its the right thing to do, and honestly if its the right thing then i think thats all that matters. And there is another side to the coin which i really find to be an amazing quality in a person. To have the ability to know that you were wrong or that you lied and be able to come back and say, what i did was wrong and im sorry, shows a lot. I know that most of the time i still doesn't take back everything but you know that they mean in and that they are truely sorry. And in a lot of cases it shows how much they care about you and what they have done to you. But it just frusterates the crap out of me when people can go around saying all this garbage about how you shouldn't lie and can turn around and lie right to your face. Like not only does it not make sense they have nothing to back it up. I wish that these people would just get their heads out of there asses for more than three seconds and realize some of the things that they do and say do have an impact on a lot of people a lot of the time. I know this is harsh but i know that these are the people that are going to read this and not realize its them.

"You just don't get it...you don't get the fact that
with everything you say and do it only hurts me
more. You need to see that you are taking
advantage of me and you are taking our
friendship for granted. I know what i did was
wrong and that i really hurt you with it, but i can't
do anything else. I said everything that i could
and for you to turn around and do something
worse is just unbelieveable. You need to realize
that im not always going to be there if you keep
what your doing up. Your going to end up needing
me more than ever and it will be too late. It's up to
you to decided what you want just know that your
time is running out..."

...Tired and Sore

2004-08-15T12:16:00.000-04:00

Ok...so as many of you may have realized, my last blog wasn't the happiest. I'm not fully feeling on top of my game and im also really just not in the best mood lately because of my teeth and another insident that happened dealing with a new physcologist. I said somethings that i guess were a little bit harsh in the fact that they aren't true and i know it. It was the fact that i had gone to see this new physcologist and she really just summed up what i didn't want to hear and instead of making me feel better she made me feel like i was worthless and a lot of what i had been doing with my life was a waste of time and that the friends that i had really weren't the friends that should be. I know that i may have some friends that want to be my friends mainly for the fact that im going through a lot and need help, but i believe now that a lot of them like me for who i am as a person. She kinda flipped that view in my head for a bit and because i have been pretty much flying solo cause of my teeth i haven't seen many of my friends since i got home and have had a lot of time to just think about everything that she has said....which is a bad thing for me as most of my friends know. The idea of me thinking about one thing a lot really doesn't ever work that well.

So the moral of the story is i was tired sore and really lonely. I'm not too sure why i did what i did but hey thats me....i usually make a lot of unreal stupid decisions without thinking. I go off of things that i shouldn't but thats one thing i do need to work on. I have a ton of friends that like me for who i am and not what im going through and i guess i really need to see that more. I think the fact that im afraid to get hurt is the biggest problem. I'm one that really puts her heart out on her sleeve and doesn't hold any emotion back. If you are my friend and i care for you there is nothing that is going to stop me from showing that and making sure i can be the best friend possible. Thats just me and i guess thats why it hurts to see some people take advantage of it sometimes. I really set myself up and im not saying tons of people do it there is usually the odd one every now and again that really gets to me and i guess it just really hurt more and more as time goes on. Its like i have this perment scar and basicly i keep having people rip the scab off before it can heal so instead of getting better it keeps getting worse as time goes on. I guess there is just a lot of more work that i need to do to figure out what needs to be changed in my life style to fix that. I am who i am and that will never change, nor do i want it to....i have realized that i have a very special gift that if i can learn to control will really really be a huge benifit to me....now its just a matter of learning how to control it.

Well since i just kinda sat down and typed im not too sure how much of this is going to make sence but i hope that i got the general idea across. I'm sorry if what i said offended anyone and make sure you comment or talk to me about it...most of you know im not too shy about talking to people about what i say or what is happening with me. So for now, peace out!!!!

...Screw it all

2004-08-14T13:50:00.000-04:00

Yah...so...my name really says it all, but hey lets bitch some more if i really can't get the words across well enough with just the title. Well it seems as if my view on my life is pretty dead on. I was thinking not too long ago right after i saw the last episode of Dawson's Creek, about how much i remind myself of Jen Lindely. So yes this is the girl that comes into it and is just plain different...has had a different childhood, has different values and has a different way of living her life...similar to me if i would say so. Anyways in the last episoide, she unfortunatly dies of some random heart disease and just before she dies she is talking to Jack and she is explaining to him what her view on what her life in Capside has been like. She says to him that she has never felt included like no matter what she was always the outsider. That no matter where she tried to fit in it never worked because she was different and everyone knew that. It was like no matter what she did she was always stepping on other peoples feet pissing them off. She finishes it with the fact that she put in all this work to be accepted and needed by other people and it never worked. I guess you could say im feeling a bit of that at the moment. I know its my own fault, only if i could have just been friends with my own age, everything would work out. But thats not me, I don't fit in and never have so i went to the people who i thought wanted to be my friends and who i thought accepted me for who i was and not what i could bring them. I guess thats just impossible when all these people have grown up together for ever and have so much history and no matter how hard to try and make your own history it just never works. I guess i really noticed it when every single time a certain group of friends came to see me it was at work cause they knew they would get free ice cream...honestly its not that big of a deal for me either. I have no problem filling them up with sugar and seeing them for those 15 minutes but it seems like thats the only time i see them. I guess its just the fact that they have there lifes on track with all their friends that they have had forever and there really isn't much more room for another friend that is a year younger and they have just met. I love those guys and i wish we could be closer but i know that it will never happen. Maybe its something im doing or not doing but i really have trouble figuring it out now. I honestly wish i wasn't like this cause it would make my life so much easier. Sometimes i wish i just didn't care as much. I guess you could say that the only person who is to blame in the whole situation is me. Im just so tired of hurting emotionally...its like i finally get myself to a point where im happy and think im on the right track and someone will come along and tell me something different or let me down. I guess you could say i just have to get use to it cause this is how its been for so long and im not too sure if its ever going to change.

...I'm Home!!!

2004-08-13T20:21:00.000-04:00

Yes so im finally home...oddly enough i wanted to get home from the moment i stepped foot off the plain in Alberta but now that i am home its really messed up. Like things with my friends are going really well but i went to this new physcologist and it wasn't the most motivating conversation i have ever had and to say that it brought me down would be an understatement. We of course got onto the subject about friends and how most of my friend (if not all of my good ones) are in either grade 12 or older. Me personally i have no problem with that but then she brought up a point which i hate and have been thinking about for awhile hoping that it wasn't true. She decided to tell me that she thought the reason that most of my older friends like me and are my friends is because of what im going through. I really took that hard because that is one of my biggest fears and i hate when people tell me that. It makes me feel like a worthless peice of nothing that can't have an older friend just because of the person i am. No the reason that i have older friends is because im helpless and go looking for them. I hate it and im so tired of people telling me what i feel like when they are totally wrong. No one really knows what im feeling like unless ive told them and it kills when people assume. I just wish that people would accept that im different. I will always be different and that will never change. If my friends are only my friends because of what im going through it will kill me but i hope they can tell me that instead of me pushing them away with the fear. Most of my friends are probably tired of me bring this up but honestly i really need the reasurance right now. Especially after what that stupid doctor told me. I finally get myself to a point where im really happy and then someone like that comes along and wrecks everything for me. What can you do...no one really understands me and im not too sure if anyone ever will but i guess i just have to hope for the best.

On a happier front, i finally got the new job that i have been looking for forever. National sport and honestly i don't know if there would have been a better job for me. Not to mention the fact that i had an offer at coast mountian sport and when i called them today to tell them i wouldn't be able to accept the job the manager said that he would hold onto me resume and that if i wanted to reconsider that the job offer would still be there which is awesome cause that means i have opportunities comming out of everywhere.

I got my wisdom teeth out which was quite the adventure. Funny story, when in went in and they put me on the laughing gas i had a bit of a melt down. I was talking to Amanda the night before and she was leaving the following day for school and it sucked cause i didn't get to see her and she means a ton to me. So she was telling me a story about her a laughing gas and i said now when they put me onto it i will think of you. Anyways the next morning i got a really nice and sad text message from Amanda at like 5:55 am saying goodbye...so not only was i on lack of sleep i also was really emotional about her leaving. So when they put me on the laughing gas i started to giggle and then as i remember the story Amanda told me i started to cry. So that sent all the doctors into a freek out because i was crying and laughing at the same time and they thought i was going into shock so they had to take everything out of me and try and find out what was wrong and when they did all they did was laugh at me so then they plugged me back in and finally got me to sleep and before i knew it everything was over. I'm a little bit sore right now but no swelling and im not that queezy. Only when i move to fast or sit up for too long.

Other than that nothing too much else is new...im upset with everyone leaving and such and im a bit freeked for school but all the normal stuff teens my age go through so i shouldn't be too nervous. I just have to keep control of me so that i don't lose myself completely again. Sorry if i have been pissing people off but i have been having a lot of confidence issues as i usually do.

Thats all for now...later!!!

...I'm still alive!!!

2004-07-28T19:24:00.000-04:00

Ok so i am still alive!!! I have not disapeared off of the face of this earth...more or less just out of the province of Ontario. I am right now in the beautiful B.C. interior in an amazingly beautiful place called Kelowna B.C.! I'm staying with my Uncle and Aunt as well as the rest of my family in my relatives Chalet. It's quite nice and i am enjoying myself but i do wish that i was at home. Its really quite bizzare...like im having a good time but i miss everyone and everything. I swear there is something really messed up with me. Yah so im surviving with satallite t.v. and dial up internet (which is quite the adventure!!!...takes forever im really not too sure how people lived without high speed. No i really enjoy being outside so thats just a plus at night. See the sun doesn't really always agree with me and more often than not i end up very red so i have been shunned off of the beach for this afternoon. Nothing much else is new with me...lots of visiting and lots of food which isn't always the best thing!! Anyways i better be off im trying to download MSN messenger and it isn't working all that well...! Until next time!

...Whirlwind

2004-07-19T14:13:00.000-04:00

Wow...the last little while has been action packed to say the least!!! As you can all tell my lovely banner is done and up thanks to my wonderful friend Ms. Jodi!!! She is in the process of working on a side banner for it and i thank her very much for that. Nothing to much else is new and interesting...my visitors are finally all gone which is awesome!! I get the house to myself once and a while again now. I got a sweeettt pair of sunglasses which i guard with my life 24/7...i should after spending $200 on them!! No they are a really nice pair of Oakley's which i really love and should last me a really really long time!!! I haven't posted in a while cause my parents have been really stupid and are yelling at me for the amount of time that i spend on the computer so i have been totally shunned but i'm working my way back up. Nothing to much else is new...i got a phone call from Emma at camp yesterday. It was so excited but at the same time it was really weird...i miss her so much and we haven't talk in so long it was really weird. But lots was said and it was really special in a really strange way...but when you think about it most things which include me are fairly strange...!!! No but im really looking forward to seeing her once i get back from my vacation!! Yes i'm leaving for 2 weeks and i know most of my friends are probably thrilled to get rid of me for a while. No but im going out west which is always interesting...its never really a vacation...its more or less us trying to ballance everyone without starting any massive family fights...it usually fails miserably!! Yah so we are off to Edmonton and then out to BC so it shall be fun!! Anyways i better be off as i will get yelled at if i stay on too long...but i will post before i leave and while im away!!!

...ME!!!

2004-07-15T10:18:00.000-04:00

How to make a Sammy

Ingredients:

3 parts competetiveness

5 parts ambition

3 parts beauty

Method:
Add to a cocktail shaker and mix vigorously. Add sadness to taste! Do not overindulge!

Personality cocktail
From Go-Quiz.com

...Can`t figure it out

2004-07-14T20:03:00.000-04:00

Haven`t written in quite a while...no reason in particular other than i have been quite busy and any other time my mom freeks out on me and only lets me stay on the computer for like 10 minute spans. Plus i have been in very weird moods over the last little while and the last thing i want to do is come on here and shoot my mouth off and then regret it like 5 seconds later. So i did the mature responsible thing and waited until i calmed down and now i can write what i feel yet the chances of me being rash and out of line are still somewhat there. Had not a bad day today...finally got to sleep in, first time this week. The relatives i have visiting now are really strange, they get up at like 7 and then go to bed at like 9. Me on the other hand would rather get up at noon and go to bed at like 1...so we really don`t work well together. So sleeping till 11:30 was quite enjoyable and as soon as i got up my day was totally superfied as i got a letter from Emma!!! I was so excited as things with friends have been a little rough lately (more to come on that later!). Anyways so i got it and i was so excited i forgot to read half of it the first time so by the time i finished reading it property and got my breakfast i went back to my bed and spent an hour writing to the wonderful Emma. I`m finding all this writing to be very difficult to get done as i have two friends at camp and for me to write a letter it takes about an hour so went you calculate it, it`s a lot of time that is needed. But totally worth it cause both of them are so important to me. Then finally when i was done that i dragged my ass out of bed and got ready for the day. By the time i finished that it was like 2:45 and my mom took me to golf town for me to buy new sun glasses. I got a sweet pair of oakley`s and even though my mom made the biggest deal about them being way too expensive i still bought them and are very happy!!! I got home went to work to yell at my boss cause he spelt my name wrong on my check...the stupid moron has done that like 12 million times and i keep telling him and somehow he blames it on me...how i do not know. I got home read a bit of "The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants", fell asleep and got up and this is what i`m doing now. So a very unproductive day yet productive at the same time.

As for me and all my messed up problems...i really have no idea what is going on. I`m so unpredicitable and it is so frusterating. Like it`s like the littlest things will set me off. It doesn`t help that friends have been few and far between. Not in the sence of being there but it goes farther...3 of my best and closest are now at camp which is killing me...it is so hard and there is nothing more i would rather do than drive up and just get a hug. Most likely if that happened i would start crying but hey its only cause i would be happy/really emotional. But i just don't know anymore. I'm so tired of acting like everything is all right or acting like something i'm not. With a lot of them it feels like 2 things: 1) They have just gotten too tried of trying to deal with me so they are pushing away from me slowly or 2) They just are either scared or having their own problem or have decided that they just don't want to stick with me. I think that the most frusterating part of these kinda people is you never know...you never know and i hate assuming things but thats all they leave me to do. So if you are one of those people, please tell me, you are putting me through more pain than you know. And i'm sorry if i'm not the person you though i was or the fact that it is taking me a really long time to get through all of these problem. I'm just starting to think now that everything is my fault. It's frusterating cause i really have no idea and i wish i did.

...You amaze me!!!

2004-07-09T11:30:00.000-04:00

So after almost going out of my mind with relatives and parent stuff I had no idea what to do or where to go. And then this friend came along...you have to understand that this is a really special friendship because we went from a player-coach relationship to a teamate relationship and now to one i'm not even sure what you would call it. Anyways, she was one of the only ones who knew how much i was suffering and she went the extra distance and got me out of here. So on Tuesday morning after much arguing with my parents the night before and finally finding someone to cover my shift my parents dropped me off at her house before we went up to the cottage. Honestly i think even if we would have just chilled out in her room for the 2 hours before we left i think she could have taken away all the pain i had been going through. So finally once we got off and stopped and did all of the errands that needed to be done we got there and honestly it was perfect. Like it was a real cottage and i honestly had more fun in the first three seconds than i have had in a really long time. Her Mom and brother were so nice and so much fun. We just kinda hung out that late afternoon, watch her brother wakeboard, watch the first wives club and just sat out on the deck talking. I was like 10 when we went in to watch her brother play this video game and we all got hooked. By the time we actually got to bed it must have been 2 - 2:30 and after we finished talking and her headache died we tried to fall asleep. Well except for my little conversation that i had and i can't remember...supposidly i recited "Humpty Dumpty" and that was it and she was like "He sure did, Sam" and then she asked if i was still awake and with that i was dead to the world. So once we had pried ourselves out of bed the next day at like 12:30 - 1ish, we had her Mommy's yummy waffles and we finally got ready and went down and sat on the dock. We talked about random stuff but it was really cool for about an hour before we went back up to find out that we were going to go spot for her Bro wakeboarding again. We got back and we prepared dinner and then after eating we went back to watching her Bro play his video game. Once again that went on for awhile before we put on the "The Butterfly Effect"...and i'm a big chicken and was freeked out about it. But we got through it and went to bed about 1am and talked for the longest time. We really found out a lot about each other than we didn't know and became so much closer. She helped me more than even i could have even imagined and i learned a lot from her. Hopefully I did the same thing. The next morning we got up got our acts together and left for home but didn't get there until like 6:45 cause we had gotten up so late and left the cottage late and hit traffic. All and all an amazing weekend that a lot of people really wouldn't have enjoyed as much.

Because a lot of people really have no idea who i am talking about you really don't need to read the rest cause its only about my friend and for her...i feel the least i could do is thank her. Stacy you are an amazing friend...one that i really didn't know at first where it was going and i really didn't expect it to end up here. You have so many close friend most of which you have know for so much longer but to take me under your wing is so special for me. To know what you have been through and everything you have accomplished during that time is so insperational. You are such a strong person and it has rubbed off on me so much and contiues to. You were the only one who went the extra distance when you knew i was really unhappy, to get me away. Even if this was a one time thing you have no idea how much it ment to me. You said something about my friends on Wednesday night and I've decided your totally right and i realized that i need to go and completely trust you and get to know all of your friends and all of the people at the conferences cause i think thats when im going to be completely happy. Buddy ever since i had you as a coach you have taught me so much about being a better person and have helped me get through so much. You have always been there no matter what and you are the only person who has been there with me through it all. I love you and know that i will never be your best friend and have all the memories that you and shelly and chris have but i know that you are so special to me and that i will never forget you.

Stacy introduced me to this song and its one that is really special for her and her best friend's. I know that i will never be that best friend but it means a lot because i find that the lyrics remind me a lot of our friendship. But many people can probably relate to these lyrics...

If You're Gonna Fly Away by Faith Hill

If you're gonna fly away
Don't fly without me
Don't go nowhere
I need you babe

Has the sun gone down on you
Have you given up on truth
I wish I could say hold the right things to make your pain go away
I wish you knew how beautiful you are in every way
When the world is falling down
Just kneel with me and pray

chorus

So you take a thousand tears
Hoping to be numb
Lie awake in bed
Counting all that's wrong
No one understands
No one ever will trust me when I tell you
I know just how you feel
You had all these dreams but you're in a small town
Oh, they killed them for you
You had nothing else to do
But use music and music and music and music

chorus

Just sing a song for me baby
It's not as bad as it seems, no no no
What matters today won't matter tomorrow
Care all your blessing, settle all your sorrow

chorus

And for song number two...really not too sure why i'm going on these random song rants but hey these two really mean a lot...After my massive break down last night/this morning it was one of the songs that really connected what Stacy said and what i have to do. It's kinda a cheezy song at first but listen to the lyrics...

"The River" by Garth Brooks

You know a dream is like a river
Ever changin' as it flows
And a dreamer's just a vessel
That must follow where it goes
Trying to learn from what's behind you
And never knowing what's in store
Makes each day a constant battle
Just to stay between the shores...and

I will sail my vessel
'Til the river runs dry
Like a bird upon the wind
These waters are my sky
I'll never reach my destination
If I never try
So I will sail my vessel
'Til the river runs dry

Too many times we stand aside
And let the waters slip away
'Til what we put off 'til tomorrow
Has now become today
So don't you sit upon the shoreline
And say you're satisfied
Choose to chance the rapids
And dare to dance the tide...yes

I will sail my vessel
'Til the river runs dry
Like a bird upon the wind
These waters are my sky
I'll never reach my destination
If I never try
So I will sail my vessel
'Til the river runs dry

There's bound to be rough waters
And I know I'll take some falls
But with the good Lord as my captain
I can make it through them all...yes

I will sail my vessel
'Til the river runs dry
Like a bird upon the wind
These waters are my sky
I'll never reach my destination
If I never try
So I will sail my vessel
'Til the river runs dry

Yes, I will sail my vessel
'Til the river runs dry
'Til the river runs dry

...they just don't get it

2004-07-05T20:56:00.000-04:00

You know what i hate the most...I will be in an amazing mood for once...like really great have a ton of things going for me and have so much sorted out and then the two people who are suppose to be the ones who back me in everything i do go and let me down. My favorite part is the fact that they just think that im being overreactive about my whole depression thing which so isn't true...and i'm so tired of it. I'm so tired of having my head on straight for a bit and looking like im going in the right direction and they come and smoke it off. Like don't they understand that im not 4 anymore i know who my friends are and i'm not going to go if i have any chance of being in danger at all. I'm not that stupid and i wish i could feel like they trust me more. Stacy is one of my best friends...like even beyond that...shes like my sister...i love her so much and she has been through everything with me. She knew that i wanted to get away for a bit and just chill-ax and she wanted to see me so she went out of her way and invited me up to her cottage for a few days. Then my parents come around saying how they don't want me going cause i have a job and if i miss one shift i will some how become in fincial debt and the fact that they don't know her or her parents. This second point totally pissed me off because, they would know her if they put two seconds in getting to know any of the girls on the team. I swear my mom saw maybe one of my tournament this year and the rest of the time my Dad came and then left. Yah my ankle didn't help at all but still there was two tournaments that i missed thats another 4 that they could have come to but no...we have to go see Keltie dance. And i have nothing against my sister because of this cause she doesn't ask for it. But honestly it pisses me off cause there is nothing more i would rather have than my parents watching me play a sport that i love so much. Like it drives me nuts how much it bothers me...I wish i could tell them but i honestly have given up...they only hear what they want to so why try and kill myself. I have enough people who really care about getting be better. And i understand they are forking over 150 dollars for each physcoligist appointment which i love them for but its like they think that everything will automaticly be fixed by him...which so isn't true. How can i even begin to try and get better when the place that i spend my most time in is so negative and really doesn't care all that much. Well i honestly hope that your happy cause i honestly think my whole problem stems a bit from home. I'm not blaming it completely on you guys cause you can really be awesome when you want to. But when its not the right time look out...and i'm tired of it and one day somethings going to happen to me and you are going to regret it and your not going to understand why...especially if i do something to myself...

...Ice Cream Visitors!!!

2004-07-03T13:12:00.000-04:00

Ok so over like the past week and a bit i have had these visitors comming into the ice cream store when i am working and even when i'm not...i swear they are in there more than i am but hey...it's good ice cream!! No but these girls are the bomb except for one little teeny tiny thing...our tip fights...and you are saying what the hell are tip fights!!! Well i will tell you...when the lovely Mary and Mallory come into the store with who ever else they drag a long...it is now tradition for me to pick up the tab...aren't i a nice friend!!! Anyways we have a tip jar in our store and my moronic friends insist on shoving tons of money into it...but i have gotten smart...I now remove the tip jar and tell the other girls in the store not to take any money from them...so in return we end up throwing the money back and forth at each other untill they throw it and run away and then i chase them to their car...honestly it makes my life so much easier and it always brightens my day!!! So our funniest happened last night...they came in with my other buddy Emily and as tradition goes they got their ice cream and started the battle...but me being a little dozy last night forgot and they got it into the tip jar with out me seeing how much it was...so Mary was whinning cause she wanted toppings, so i took the toppings and tossed my tips into a cup with them on top!! So i told my co-workers and they were like thats dirty and were making a huge deal and she didn't notice for a bit and they she started freeking out...I threw the dirty ones away. I gave her more and they went on their way. But honestly with all the shit i have gone through over the last little while it is such a relief that i have finally found a group where i fit in relativly well...they are all such amazing people who really make me feel good about myself. With most of my other friends there tends to be a lot of drama and i hate it cause i end up feeling like everything is my fault. With them its different everything is so laid back and we all have so much fun together. You guys are so awesome and I'm really going to miss you all next year...OK this part is specifically for my G-Unit Mary cause we went golfing and talked about a lot of things which in some cases came out wrong. Ok you...first off sorry for all the drama today with the whole are we going, are we not going...i'm not usually like that and i appoligize. Second of all life is rough for everyone so its not as if i think im the only one going through the crap i am cause thats totally not true...i know ive got it really great and im so lucky to have all the people i have and its been amazing getting to know you better. Thirdly, i promise that from now on i will no longer look into things that you say or do...tonight you caught me in a position where i was just not in a position that i was enjoying and you two were like my escape route and when the escape failed...it kinda freeked me...it was more what had been happening and was happening than the fact that it was a waste to go out tonight. Fourthly...don't think that i don't trust you cause thats the total opposite...why the heck do you think i would have told you all that crap about what i was going through like 3 seconds after we had gotten to know each other...and no it wasn't because i thought you were cool...it was because i trusted for you and knew that you wanted to be my friend for who i was. But don't get me wrong you are really cool. I have issues that i have to deal with and that is that...no one else can help me with them and i know i have to and i know i can. I don't want them to wreck our friendship because of my stupitidy with telling you about my fears. Our friendship is not like the ones in the past and i don't want it to turn out like that so i know from today on that this one is going to be different...what happened in the past happened and its not going to happen again... I'm going to move on and have one of the best summers of my life. Thanks for being there and not giving up...you really don't know how much that means to me...that smile on my face yesterday when you guys came is was so genuine. You guys made my day and i thank you for everything you have done and will do...and because you don't like chick flicks im going to stop here lol...Thanks to everyone in that group of 10 (I got it right Mary!!!!) who have included me...i have had so much fun and can't wait for the times to come!!!

...I've caused massive confusion

2004-06-29T15:33:00.000-04:00

Ok so i said some things last night that really made an impact on people it wasn't suppose to. When I ever do something like that, know that if it is about you that i will come and talk to you personally and let you know whats up...and im not going to do that for every little thing that happens. Last night was the end of something that had really been bothering me and i tried to make it work and i tried to ignore and i tried everything that i could but nothing seemed to help. It was to the point where it was hurting me more than it should of and this person didn't care at all. I know that i would do anything for this person and it just started to feel like the only time that she would do it in return was if she wasn't busy or something was in it for her. So for everyone else (aka...E.G., J.C., M.L., S.P. and more) plzzzz don't freek out. Its not about you and if it ever is i will talk to you first. You guys are all so awesome and sometimes i don't give you enough credit...and i'm not saying this other person isn't its just that we are at a time now where things aren't great between us...and if things don't work out i will be upset but i will know it was for the best. So all you other wonderful people don't freek out...you are all amazing.

...There is just something about relatives

2004-06-28T23:33:00.000-04:00

Ok...so i have these relatives in from out of town who have never been here and who are really not that bad...but for some reason they are pissing the crap out of me!!! I'm not too sure what they are trying to do and what there plan is but whatever it is they are doing it. I'm one that really like her space and there are only so many people who i can deal with for long periods of time...so at the moment im very edgy cause i can't get away...they have taken over every inch of my house!!! I'm getting more hours at work which is great...means more moola for me which i love!!! I'm really looking forward to Canada Day when me and Siobhan will be rocking together outside in the sunshine i hope!!! I have to make sure that i get all that mail going up to the camps off tomorrow before i get shot by Beez and Emma...which wouldn't be good at all!!! But i have really been thinking about everything lately and what has happened as a whole...and hopefully no one reading this will take offence but this is how i see it...After Beez left and things were straighten out with Emma and she left, I really noticed a decrease in the support that was comming in...Yes, I know i am a lot better but there are certain people who I really thought were there for me 24/7 who have really just decided otherwise...which is totally cool...don't get me wrong...we all have our problems and sometimes we need time for ourselves and i totally respect that...but unfortunatlly some people just go about it the wrong way to express this and i think that is what upsets me the most...but hey what can you do...no point crying over spilled milk! And it doesn't mean that i like them any less...i still love you guys but the truth of the matter is we have grown apart and that happens...i still have our memories and honestly there is nothing more important to me...you helped me when i needed you the most and i thank you for that. Things like this it really shows me who my true friends are!! Beez and Emma I miss you two like mad...stupid...the two most important friends in my life have to go and leave for like ever!!! Hope your both having an awesome time at camp!!! OOO I got all my hair cut off...it was my big move of the summer...or at least one of them!!! Its really scary cause i haven't had it this short in a really long time but i really think it looks a lot better...but i still miss my long hair!!! Anyways thats all thats new in my life...i'm finally somewhat better from that stupid cold...and i found out today that i'm getting my wisdom teeth out on August 12th...that shall be fun lol...! I really had to say something else but i forget so i will write it later if i ever remember...must not have been very important...lol!!! Later!!

...Yes, I really am sick

2004-06-25T20:43:00.000-04:00

Ok...Ok...Ok....Everyone was right...I am really sick...finally after a week i went to the doctor today and found out i have a sinus infection as well as both of my ears are infected, so yes all my whining was legitamit, but yes i should have gone to the doctor earlier. Nothing else is really new...I got crap from Beesley cause I was suppose to write her every day and have not written her once...I know...I know!!! I'm a really crappy "sister" but i promised her a really big letter with a suprise early next week so she will be satisfied. Emma came over last night and we talked for about 2 hours straight, cause SOMEONE was too lazy to go or do anything so she layed on my bedroom floor for like ever...no but it was my turn to give advice about boys and i think i did a pretty good job but hey who knows. We also got a lot of shit out of the way about our who stupid fight which really helped as well...and it was FINALLY FINALLY a night like one when we were first friends which is really nice. And we finally got a picture together which turned out really well!!! I went to the gym yesterday with Jodi and to anyone who is thinking about a hard workout while they are sick i would suggest against it...not too much fun and it comes back and bites you in the ass like a bitch. Also if you haven't worked out really hard in a while take it easy...lol that also comes back and bites you in the ass!! I went into work today and watch the lion king with 2 of my most favoritest people in the world SIOBHAN AND LAURA!!!! The sad thing was it was the 3 of us watching the lion king and you understand why when you hear the both Laura and Siobhan are in first year university LOL!!! But we had fun and thats the most important part!!! Anyways im off to try and work on Beez's super duper letter again!!!

...First (New!!!) Blog

2004-06-21T10:28:00.000-04:00

Well hello everyone in blog land...I'm here finally after changing my blog/journal 12 different times...well not 12 but like 3...I assure you that this is the one that will be with me for awhile now as it took me and Justan like an hour to come up with a name which i really liked so im sure im going to keep it for awhile now. Anyways i brought all my old journals from my old site as there weren't too many and i was really bored this morning as i'm on summer VACATION!!! yahhhhh!!! lol anyways moving on...Yes so this is my new blog and hopefully jodi is going to make it look a lot prettier as that is the only real reason why i got a new one cause my other one was really kinda boring. Yes i know im fairly computer dumb when it comes to certain things. I'm fighting this throat thing at the moment and its really annoying and sore, which is really sucky. And i have decided that the world is after me. Yes i know it sounds like a lot but yes i do feel as if the world is after me. I found out last night that my nana has a really high chance of lung cancer. In other words they found something on her lung that looks exactlly like the tumour she had before and it reacts to different tests the same way but they can't make it official until they do a biopsy. So yah that was my night last night...No but i feel like im in an unreal dream with all this stuff happening, i really need it all to stop lol. Just got back from my sister's grad which brought back a lot of memories and at the same time made me think about everthing that has happened over the last year and the graduation situation at my own school. I'm not going to deny it is one of the worst feelings ever saying good bye to people who you really don't know if you will ever see again. But anyways, had fun at lunch today...after a 30 minute rollerblade to school and most of it was up hill...i was very proud of myself!! I went out with Robbie, Mary, Jenna, one of their friends who's name i really can't ever remember and im sorry about that and mr. howard...it was an adventure to say the least. My marks are supposidly pretty good so im waiting to see if thats really the case! Anyways not much else interesting happening in my life so i better get to writing Beez a letter at camp before she starts writing and yelling at me!!

...now that I have pulled myself together

2004-06-17T03:46:00.000-04:00

Ok so yes my last journal wasn't the happiest one but hey would you be very happy right before you had to say good bye to all your really good friends...yes well i didn't think so!!! And now that i have pulled myself together i can go over what has happened in my life since monday. So monday was a boring day at school and then i was suppose to go to a party for football but i had to get a present ready for Beez!! After explaing what i wanted to do, to my mom as she was driving home i got all my stuff ready to go. When she got home it was a change of heart which ended up as a yelling match between the 2 of us. Not fun but i ended up at my party and as soon as i got there the trential downpour came and we had to squish inside. But never the less fun. So I went home about 7 and decided to bring up the fact that i had still yet to get Beez's present ready and i was freeking out and finally after a lot of persuasion we ended up going. Well that took like and hour just to figure out the photo machine at Wal-Mart and waiting in line. So i finally got home and got to putting together her present which took forever but was TOTALLY worth it.

Next day was boring as well but to make it interesting i got to spend a lot of it with none other than Beez and we decided to go out for lunch at 10:15 am not realzing until we got there that pizza pizza didn't open until 11. So we waited and i gave her my presents (which i think she loved but i couldn't tell if she was just being polite)and we waited and talked and waited and talked and finally got to go into the store and order the first pizza of the day. So after a yummy lunch in which we finished a whole medium between the two of us we headed back to school and completed another waste of an afternoon at school. Thanks so much for comming with me Beez...it was so much fun and a nice end to the year. Also I took your advice about talking to the big guy and just putting everything basiclly in his hands and i did....wow your a genious cause ive never felt better about something like that. Although im still sad and upset, im not worrying as much at it helps me so much. So once again thank you. That night it was the pop's concert which was also really nice and a good way to say goodbye to all my friends in music. After we went to Mackendrick house for a night of love and laughter. Many clothed bodies went flying into the pool and the dryer was kept busy all night. After we made a pit stop at McDonald's and then pizza pizza and it really got me down to think that this was one of our last just chilling with random people session. After getting home very late i had a really good conversation with Stacy. We talked about a lot of things and we made a lot of promises which needed to be done. We are really going to stick together and pull each other up when needed. We have a date for sometime next week and i know that im going to take her up on that for sure.

Wednesday was a rough day for sure...and i really don't know what it was. The fact that i was saying goodbye to a lot of my really really good friends or the fact that i had gotten 3 hours of sleep the night before which i am still paying for now. Anyways, it was the hardest thing walking through the halls and seeing people i knew and instead of saying hi i was saying good bye and for some of them it was for the last time. I was really rocked by yesterday cause it reminded me a lot of moving which is the worst feeling in the world. I will miss so many of them but there are many that will never be replaced and it will hurt for a long time before it ever gets better...but i guess its up to me to keep the memories and keep going. And today, well was very boring...did my science exam which went ok and have done really nothing else since then. Tomorrow will be a lot of fun and there will be tears for sure. The social is going to be the bomb as i am planning it and it is at my house. But unfortunaly it will be my last few hours with a lot of people i many never this summer if not forever. I hate to think that but its true and it doesn't make it hurt any less. Summer is almost here and i can hardly wait...i have one more exam tomorrow and im done for good. I have a fun summer ahead filled with love and laugher.

And finally a message to all the grads...you guys know how much i love you and will miss you. You are all amazing people who have really impacted my life like i would have never imagined. I wish there was a way that i could give back to you what you have brought to me, but it would take me way too long. Hopefully we can spend time before all of you go off in the fall but some of you its not possible. Have an amazing summer and always remember that i am here for you no matter what. I will miss you all and love you.

...im happy for you that you are leaving but at the same time very upset

2004-06-16T03:44:00.000-04:00

I miss you my friend ..you are so dear.
Even though you are not near.
I carry you within my heart.
And I know that we will never part.
You're special to me ..that much is true.
Without you, I wouldnt know what to do.
I depend on you and you on me.
No truer friends could there ever be.
I wish we were together ..that would be such fun.
We would talk for hours and never be done.
One day we will meet ...It has to be so.
I would go anywhere for you ..no matter were I had to go.
You're more than my friend...you're my big sis too.
And I know this much ....I will always love you.

This knot in my stomach has been getting bigger and tighter over the last little while and now it is almost unbearable. No matter how much i want to be having a good last few days with all my closest friends, i'm absolutly miserable. I'm scared about losing them and i'm scared about next year. I'm scared about committment and what will happen if i don't. I'm scared and sad and don't know where to turn...

...feeling so alone

2004-06-10T20:26:00.000-04:00

It's as if you do nothing but it still feels like you are after me or even worse mad or frusterated...It's so hard i just want everything to go away and have life back to what it was like before everything happened. I was happy then and knew what was happening, now i can't even figure out whats happening from day to day. I wish you could feel what i feel, walking down the hall feeling as if no one knows that you are there, approaching a bunch of people and no one says hi or anything. I wish that you could feel the pain that i'm going through. Lots of people don't understand and its hard to deal with them but reminding myself you have gone through everything and more and that you know. But still i have the fear that you don't want to do it and that you care just too nice to say anything. I'm sick and why can't you understand that...and it may not seem that way but i am trying to get better. It's just not that easy...

...lifes a real mystery

2004-06-10T03:48:00.000-04:00

Ok for me to say that i understand life would be absolute crap...and for anyone else to say that it would be the same. I'm not denying the fact that i enjoy not knowing my entire life before i live it but sometimes not knowing gets to be a little much. And thats went special people who are in your life can calm you down...I spent 2 seperate an hour and a half's talking to two very different people but both made me 150% calmer and i really don't know how they did it. One has been there from the very beginning and i don't think she realizes that even the simplist conversation like the one we had today can make all my problems go away which she did do without even knowing. My other pal is a bit older and i don't talk to as much...i probably have been closer to her a bit longer which is an advantage in many ways but not seeing her a good part of the year doesn't always help...but whenever she can she will help no matter what and she will go to any lengths to make sure that she has helped me as much as possible. She is one person that i can tell everything and not be afraid of her judging me. She is a role model to me in many different ways and in many aspects of her life both on and off the field. Both of these people have impacted my life forever and luckly enough its not the same way in which other people have. These two have shown me what i want to be like 2 and 3 year down the road. Although they are both very different they are both very similar at the same time. And make sure this doesn't take away from everybody else you are all amazing in your own way and at your own time. But to the two that helped me put my head on straight tonight i would like to thank you for everything that you have and will do!!!!

...I really need to write more often

2004-06-09T18:42:00.000-04:00

J	Joyful
U	Unusual
S	Strange
T	Tasty

L	Luxurious
I	Insane
V	Virile
E	Exhausting

I	Influential
T	Tough

Name Acronym Generator
From Go-Quiz.com

Since i keep getting yelled at by a certain someone to update my journal i thought i should get at it...yet this is also the person who convinced me it would be fun to clean her room lol (i wonder who that was...lol)...anyways life has been busy to say the least over the last little while..from school to friends to me to music to work...its been like this massive world wind!!! With both good and bad we have enjoyed and learned from it all...and im not too sure why i just refered to myself as more than one person but hey it works...lol!!! But anyways, whats new, whats new, ooo i know...I have a boyfriend...yes i know scary that it could happen but it has!!! LOL...no its an awesome guy who from what i know really cares about me and im really looking forward to something new and something that i have never done before...crappy thing is he is going to school next year in who knows where and its like 2 and a half hours away...but hey you never know what will happen between then and now!! Umm new topic...oo me and Beez are pro star photocopiers and ended up with like 250 extra tickets so if you even want to see something really funny give Beez the task of photocopying on cardstock. Ask her about our adventure cause there is much more to it than it seems...lol!!! Stuff with me is ok...I'm getting real good at holding everything in, which i hate but hey sometimes you have to do things that you don't like...it's kinda hard now with everything wrapping up and me realizing that i will never see some of the people that im good friends with for a long time if ever again. But i really got to thank a lot of people for everything that they have done for me but there are a few that i really need to thank. First off E.B. you have really amazed me and im not going to say much more cause i have something else to give you...and then there is E.G. i can't thank you enough for everything and you too are getting something later lol...and finally S.P. i owe you big and i have stuff for you later...and to the three of you they are all different and have meaning for just you...so don't worry!!! Anyways i gtg going so i will write again soon...don't worry!! Thanks to everyone and God Bless!!!

...someone always seems to be there

2004-05-29T00:44:00.000-04:00

I have found over the last little while that if i can calm myself down for enough time then there is a good chance that i will see all the good stuff in my life cause there is a lot. First of all my friends...there aren't enough words in the english dictionary to explain how much they have done for me and how much i will miss them as a lot of them are leavinging next year. Its going to be a real adjustment but i think that the best thing that i can do is take all of our good times and all of the things that i have learned from them with me. Although they are not disapearing off of the face of the earth, no matter how hard we try we will all grow apart. We need to make sure that we stay in contact so we totally don't lose connection. I still have a lot of friends which will help but it is always hard to lose people who you have become so close to. And for all the memories that i will keep forever thank you. You have all made impressions on me which have changed me forever and have really shaped the person i am today. You are all increadible people and never forget it. You will all go on to do amazing things and im sure of it. For one Beez, don't forget me once you become Queen as i know once an idea gets into your head it is fairly hard to stop. Make sure you never give up on yourself and always strive for your best. That is my motionvational speech of the day so we will now move on to new topics. Had my second lunch date today with Beez. She was in a vary random mood for awhile and then it was like presto and she turned on this serious button...it was really cool and we had a lot of fun. FYI for Beez...i started a list of questions so i look forward to our next lunch date. Other new and exciting news in my life was the fact that i played so well on Thursday i got my name on the announcments which was really really thrilling!!! That was the one thing that i really wanted to do, is finally get my name on the announcements for football. I have a lot of good things in my life...its really just too bad that all the bad out weights the good a lot of the time...and its not even as if i want that to happen...it just does and it really bothers me. Another random thought...me and Beez seem to be having a lot of incounters lately but hey im not complaining. This unfortunaly wasn't as calm as our lunch date but the humor of it all is really quite funny. We instead of photocopying 350 tickets for music banquet...we ended up with 500!!!! How that is i really don't know...not to mention all the trees we killed along the way and the amount of time it took. By the end of it we were both very frusterated and each now have way too many tickets. Anyways we both survived and now can laugh about it!!! Life is going to be fairly hectic over the next little while but i just have to keep the fact that there are only 2 weeks left in school and i will be fine!!!

...things are finally looking up

2004-05-28T01:33:00.000-04:00

Well to say that the wait was worth the outcome would be pretty true in a lot of ways in my life right now...yes still contradicts it a lot. Thing are FINALLY back to normal with Emma...although it took a long time it really gave me the opportunity to figure out stuff with me and stuff that was happening around me. To say that im not worried about stuff that may happen would be a lie. I guess you could say that my protective cover has gone up for the moment and will say up now for awhile until im sure that i wont get hurt. As of now im just taking everything in stride and enjoying everything that is happening with the friendship as it gets back to normal. As for other things in my life the story isn't as good. Unfortunatly im really struggling with a lot of personal issues that just don't seem to be going away or even getting better no matter how hard i try...its just so frusterating cause there is so much more good in my life right now and im having the hardest time enjoying it. My mom is going to call my doctor and try and figure some other stuff out that may help. The fact that im under a lot of pressure and that i am running off of little to no sleep probably isn't helping the situation but hey life goes on and you can only learn from what has happened. On a really bright note i scored a touchdown today which was really exciting. Im dedicating it to all the people that have truly stuck by me over the last little while and have never given up. You all know who you are although there are only a few of you. As well i have the pleasure of spending another lunch with elisabeth!!! I'm very excited as we always seem to have the best conversations. Nothing else is too new in my life... i had a break down in front of a teacher which im still debating whether or not it was a good thing or not. It needed to get out so it really helped me on that front. What may come from it in the future is what im afraid of. Anyways im beat so im going to bed for the first time in a long time when it is before 1 am!!! YAHHHH!!!

PROM!!!

2004-05-20T09:52:00.000-04:00

Well its finally here...after all the stressing out about everything and its not even my prom...its finally here and i'm SO EXCITED!!! I'm excited and sad at the same time...i think after it will really hit me that a lot of my really good friends are leaving really soon. But hey...i'm look forward to an awesome time tomorrow night and i guess thats all i can really do. Thanks to everyone who has really help me over the last little while...there are a lot of people who i couldn't have got through without them...Hopefully things will only get better from here...

...I'm here anytime

2004-05-18T19:03:00.000-04:00

I went through probably one of the hardest nights of my life last night...and I couldn't thank the person enough for comming to me...Yes you think that why would you ever come to the brain screw kid who has enough trouble with her own problems but to that person i thank you. Not only did you cleared up unsertainty with the friendship you gave me an opportunity which no one else ever has. Although im not the best at what i did last night i hoped it helped. I only did it cause i know that you would do the same for me anytime of the day. We have a friendship which will last a long time because of our ability to get along so well and the fact that we trust each other. Thank you for giving me the confidence i need and i hope i helped. You know my number and my door is always open. Keep smiling and just remember things always get worse before they get better.

...life confuses me

2004-05-16T17:12:00.000-04:00

Well last night was an adventure and a half. I got a tour of mr. Thomas' house which was quite amusing. And then things got weird and Mackendrick is still upset with me. But you can't please everyone so I'm not going to let that bother me. Something is up with one of my close friends. She's not telling me which is hard but i know it not my fault. I just keep telling her that i am here for her no matter what and whenever she needs me i will be there. There is nothing left to do but wait and no matter how long that is im going to hold out and never give up on her. I wish i could make it all go away cause i know how much it sucks. Moving on to my messed up best friend situation. Spent a ton of time with her on Saturday and things went really well for the first bit and then they got weird and then at the very end they went back to being really good. I still don't know what to do about the whole situation but im not going to jinx or wreck anything right now. I really miss everything about the friendship and still am not too sure what to do, say or trust. But if you put you heart in your hands and give it to someone, there is a chance it will be broken. I guess what i have to do is make sure that it is actually broken and that i can fix it so that we are stronger and that it is stronger for next time. I also a lot of the crap that has been going through my mind is stuff that i can't see and feel and be with. My cousin has already had a ton of trouble with her heart. Not too long ago this year she underwent her second open heart surgery and we thought that it would help her a ton. My grandma just came to visit and supposidly thats not the case. I guess she is still having a lot of trouble with her heart and it isn't getting better. The doctors are running out of ideas and it really scares me. She is my sister's best friend and I'm really close to her too. It scares me cause if anything ever happened i would be destroyed. Both of our families are so close and it suck enough that we live so far away. To never see her again would kill me. I try not to let it bother be but sometimes i can. I worry and i worry hard. I just can pray for her and hope that things will work out. I love you M.G. and never give up.

...the end is near

2004-05-15T20:01:00.000-04:00

This week had been very interesting and packed full of stuff to say the least. A lot of good which is a bit of a change from the rest of what has been happening. Sadly enough nothing really has to do with school but then again who really cares. But i think the one thing that really got to me was after my concert on Thursday. I got to watch the second half and that included the wind symphony. Well I thought that I was going to lose it once the slide show came on. It really hit me how close the end of the year was and with that comes the losing of so many incredible friends. Its really going to be quite the culture shock next year. I really can't thank my really close friends enough for everything they have done. I love you all so much and it will really be weird without you next year. You have all become such a big part of my life and without you, life really would be the same. As for my other friend situation...its going really well...or so i think. I was able to spend a lot of down time with her on reunion day and i think it did us a lot of good. I just hope that we can work things out. That would give me my closest friend back as well as all of the ones which i have met since then.

....whatever

2004-05-12T00:29:00.000-04:00

I've decided that growing up suck no matter which way you look at it....it all sucks!! Friends are awesome a lot of the time but they also seem to cause you pain and suffering without any of it having to do with you. You learn a lot about yourself and everyone around you and sadly enough most of the people around you aren't the people you think they are, no matter how much you want them to be. Life works in really weird ways...I guess in some aspects i'm enjoying this whole learning experience but on the other hand i wish that i was still living in my parents bubble. This is for anyone who needs it...keep your chin up...everything that happens in your life happens for a reason...it may be good it may be bad but it just happens...never give up and don't be afraid to ask for help...

...you make no sence yet i can't help but feel as if i understand

2004-05-11T01:58:00.000-04:00

Just when i thought my friend was somewhat human, she went and said the weirdest thing to me. She told me one of the reasons she was still mad at me was because i was the first friend that had ever lied to her. I almost totally broke my jaw when i hit the floor. How could you go living life thinking that everyone who you had ever met and become close to, always told you the truth. Ok, i admit what i lied about is twice as bad as something like why you couldn't come out on friday night. I got that comment already. But honestly, I don't think that it can be possible to have a relationship without keeping things from people. My opinion, and don't think that i go around lying to people cause i don't. But if i don't think that they need to know, I wont tell them and make up another reason so the wont be supicious. Let me clarify, if you are one of my really close friends...and you know who you are...there aren't many things that i wont tell you. I really just depends on the relationship. Which also makes mine so much worse. I think that i'm just mad at myself more than anything. Mad at the fact that my grandma is here and there is nothing more that i would like to do than go up to her and introduce her to the closest thing i have to a best friend. But i can't and it is all my fault. I just have the hardest time comming to deal with it and move on. I don't know what is going to happen with us. I don't think i want to know no matter how much i think i do. I hate the fact that i can be mad at her one minute and a second later i will see her and i just can't. It pisses me off. I want it all to go away and i want my friend back. I have really connected with others durning this time which helps. I just want everyone to like everyone and be friends without anyone no liking someone else. Life goes on...just not fast enough...and to all those people who have helped me over the last little while thank you.

...why

2004-05-09T06:40:00.000-04:00

We all have friends...that is a given. But every now and again you will come across one which totally just, in a sence, sweeps you off your feet. I found that friend not too long ago, but unfortunaly because of issues with myself, i lied about something. in my opinion it was minor but no her's. I told her about 3 weeks ago and i haven't spoke to her in an actual civilized way since. In so many words...it is absolutely killing me. And she says that she knows how much it is killing me, but she really doesn't. I'm so close to the edge, no matter what i look like on the outside or how i act at school. I'm fighting the hardest battle that i have ever had to right now and im not too sure that im winning. I'm so close to the edge its not even funny. It's hard to believe that i will be able to be saved. I feel like i trouble everyone who i tell my problems to so i keep them to myself and that doesn't help me at all either. I often wonder what would life would be like if i wasn't there and my answer scares the crap out of me. I have been fighting this for so long but it is catching up to me so fast and i think its going to hit me harder than anyone could even imagine. To everyone else who reads this, thank you so much for all of your help. Without you people i wouldn't be where i still am today. There is really nothing that you can do other than tell this person how sorry i am and how much i miss our friendship, since comming from me hasn't worked all that well. And to that person, you are the one that has put me on this edge and i can't say that it is completely your fault or your fault at all. You know me better than anyone else, and no matter how much i don't want this to be true you are the only one that can determine which way i can go...

...you make me see the bright side of life

2004-05-07T11:04:00.000-04:00

I really wasn't expecting what i got from this journal. I thought that i could use it as a way to relieve stress and just put my problems out there. What i got was so much better and i really don't think what i get is really viewed as important from the people who send it. You really make me see the light when all is dark and i don't want to sound repetitive but thank you. I've decided that i need to look for a new job as all the cool people from my work are leaving which is not very nice for me. Stupid laura and siobhan, i still think we should open our own store and order around all the people like us who are actually cool not people like others...lol. I'm so tired of school and i think that i want to quit. I think that football and all my other things are more important anyways lol...I don't think my parents would agree with that though. I think my most interesting dilemma is probably my situation with one of my really good friends. He invited me to prom and i was so excited and happy that i got to go with him. When he first invited me what i understood was that we were going as friends. Since then i have a feeling that he wants it to be a bit more than that. At the moment, I have no idea what i want or what he really wants. The last thing that i want to do is screw up a relationship whether it is serious or just as friends. Who knows though...life is good for right now and im going to go with it.

...wow, alots on my mind

2004-05-07T02:46:00.000-04:00

It's really hard to explain what i am feeling right now...I feel really happy on one end and stressed out on another. I really can't seem to get my head around what is happening in my life and im sure that most of my friends are tired of hearing it. You guys are the main way i vent cause without that i would be in much worse shape as you all know. I guess you could say on one hand that my life is going really well but on the other hand a lot of people aren't seeing the messed up side. I just hate that the messed up side keeps out weighting they good side no matter how much i try. But what can you do. I just don't want to give up. Lets see what else is happening in my life...Football is going good, eventhought the playing time has been low. Probabaly cause i play like absolute shit at practice. But hey i can't do anything about that. I bring my A game for the games that count. Prom is comming up and to say that i wasn't nervous would be a lie. Actually now I'm really quite scared and i don't know why. I should really be excited especially since a lot of my really good friends are going and are excited that i am going. But i still have this huge fear and i don't know why. Well that's not true...I do know why...i just don't want to admit it. The fight with my closest friend is still happening and i have no idea what to expect next. I can't say that things are going no where cause they are they are just moving really really slow...which is abosolutly killing me. But i promised her and myself that i would never give up so i wont. But on a happier note, I have really connected with quite a few people who i never really realized what they were to me before. Not that it is a bad thing at all but you have to understand that it kinda took me by suprise as you are 2 years older than me and have a lot of friends. But to have you is very special and i would never want to give it up for anything. And for that, once again, thank you. Other than that nothing else is new and interesting. I got 20 out of 25 on my first driving school test which i was very pleased with as the rest of my friends got like 14's when they took it. My grandma is comming in from out of town to hear me sing and play in the band on thursday. It's going to be really hard cause it is the last time that i am going to be able to hear my grade 12 friends play in a Markham band. Sad yet really kinda special at the same time. It's going to be a lot different next year and im not too sure if im ready for it or if i will be able to handle it very well but thats another story in itself. Anyways nothing else is new with me...I'm totally looking forward to my volleyball banquet but other than that im all out.

...friends that you thought were never there

2004-05-06T00:19:00.000-04:00

Thank you...Thank you...Thank you...You know who you are and i can't thank you enough...it helps so much and you know im there for you whenever you need me and let me know what your user name is...lol and how did u find mine????

...Blah

2004-05-05T11:00:00.000-04:00

I've decided that my life is absolutly out of control. Nothing makes sense and i want it all to go away.

Stupid People...

2004-05-02T16:55:00.000-04:00

Ok...i hate the fact that people can't have a normal conversation ever. I'm having this problem with one of my friends right now...everything i say seems to be wrong and it is always my fault. This is really a message for all my friends who don't get what I'm going through or don't know. I'm sorry that im not perfect. I'm sorry that everything i say isn't the right thing that will make everything wrong in your life go away. I'm human and have feelings too. You need to cut me some slack and understand what im going through is not easy and i need all of your help. With a lot of you i'm not that open about a lot of things and you have to understand that the way i act is not because of you and I am trying hard to fix it. At the same time, i am not the person i was three months ago no matter how hard i try. I am trying to get back to that spot but its not going to be easy. All i want is a little bit of understanding from all of you and just the fact that you understand that its not your fault.

I hate school...

2004-05-02T16:10:00.000-04:00

I have offically decided that when Mr. Caswell thinks up project he plans them so they are so incredably hard its not even funny. I have this stupid guitar project that i have to do and there are hardly any guidlines but i know when i hand it in that i will have done something wrong!!! AAARRRGGGG!!!! Yah and i have also decided that when you look at frozen dinners on the box they look a lot better than they do once you cook them so i have moved from swedish meatballs to chicken fingers fairly fast. I really need to convince my mom that i need to start looking for a prom dress sooner rather than later...In grade 8 it took me like 3 months and i only have three weeks to deal with now...it shall be interesting. I can guarentee that me and my mom will have about 12 fights about pointless things between now and the time that i actually find a dress.

First (old) Journal

2004-05-02T01:08:00.000-04:00

I felt like I was the only one on the face of the earth without some kind of journal/blog or whatever you want to call them...and I haven't been the happiest person in the world lately so i thought this may help. Well an interesting day all around, to say the least. Spent most of the day painting the Europe mural for music. I was fairly useless because i'm probably one of the most non-artistic people you will ever meet in your life. So me and Danny were shafted to trying to find a limo for prom. So once we were all a little high off of the paint fumes we decide to all get changed and go to a party that only andrew mac was invited to. Enjoying myself for quite awhile, once kill bill was put on i knew that it was time to leave. We drove around for awhile called jodi and realized she was busy at moks and called jess and got hung up on twice. Everyone said somethings they shouldn't have and i ended up frusterated. It's in the past now...but i can't say that it didn't hurt especially for someone like me who is not having the best time with life at the moment. I really don't get it why i end up in these moods but it pisses me off that i do...i wish that it would all end and i could just have things go back to normal. I really want to call the one person i can...i want to sit down and laugh or cry or do what ever cause she is the only one that i can really open up to without being afraid. I can't say that what has happened doesn't make me a little nervous but i just want it all to be over...If you read this, I'm so sorry for everything and really want to just make things go away so that its normal again cause that is the one thing that it hasn't been over the last 3 weeks...